This seems incomplete thus far so I'll take that into consideration.
This could use some work. Right now it looks more like a summary than an actual story, given how offhandedly it brushes through a lot of things. Slow down a bit, show us the story! Don't just tell us. As-is, it looks like an abstract bare-bones treatment, to make a movie or draft a graphic novel or what-have-you.
And even as a would-be summary, it's very heavy. Paragraphs are your friend! It's very easy here to get lost in the masses of text. If nothing else, give some separate lines to the dialogue.
Mechanical errors are also aplenty (dad's when it should be plural, peaked vs. peeked) but those are easy to iron out in the revision process.
Anyway! Don't take this the wrong way or dishearten you. Just keep at it, and if you revise your story and want some input (or want to discuss more in detail) drop me a line!
Right now it's lacking, but that means you can only improve. Right?
This seems incomplete thus far so I'll take that into consideration.
This could use some work. Right now it looks more like a summary than an action story, given how offhandedly it brushes through a lot of details. Slow down a bit, show us the story! Don't just tell us. As-is, it looks like an abstract bare-bones treatment, to make a movie or draft a graphic novel or what-have-you.
And even as a would-be summary, it's very heavy. Paragraphs are your friend! It's very easy here to get lost in the masses of text. If nothing else, give some separate lines to the dialogue.
Mechanical errors are also aplenty (dad's when it should be plural, peaked vs. peeked) but those are easy to iron out in the revision process.
Anyway! Don't take this the wrong way or dishearten you. Just keep at it, and if you revise your story and want some input (or want to discuss more in detail) drop me a line!
Right now it's lacking, but that means you can only improve. Right?
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