I really like this; you paint a picture with your words, so vivid that I am transported to that nearly forgotten graveyard. I used to love visiting old graveyards and have spent many hours in them. One of my favorites is in New Orleans and there is one I love in St Louis and of course, the truly old ones in England and Ireland. Arlington will punch you in the chest, so many young men, same with Flanders and other US military graveyards in Europe.
I have no truly critical remarks, I like the fact that while you reach back in time with the age of the gravestones and the almost abandoned condition of the yard and fence; you wrote a work that is current and topical. You could visit this place tomorrow.
Second verse last line, very awkward. Since you are referring to Jack-be-nimble like this: "like nimble Jack jumping the candlestick" In the third verse, the last line "Dying nation" implies people, dying. " Across the soon to slumber countryside" is less final I like the general tone of this and must confess a certain fondness for nature poems. Please understand, my ego is never involved with reviews I write, I just try to think of what would make your gem shine even brighter.
Great story; most of have known someone like Riley; feckless, not the brightest person, with no self control and used to having other people straighten out his messes. Finally, he creates a mess no one can get him out of. Too many uses of the ?word? "Ma" sometimes I am not sure if you mean "my" or "Maw"
Last line of verse 1: "hand" should be plural, add and "s".
Last line verse 2: "promise" should be plural, add and "s"
Verse 3: line 1-take out the "not" aren't is a contraction for "are not" so the "not" is unneeded.
Verse 4: line 1- A bit awkward, try "Prey to poverty, persecution and greed" Line 2- try "They are boat people, cast adrift on the sea" (Cast adrift evokes abandonment, which is the truth) Line 3- change "or" to "like", don't use the quotation marks, no need in this line. Try "Desperate immigrants, like ping-pong balls"
Verse 5: Try "A stigma for an impoverished nation,
Struggling foe economic improvement,
Embracing consumer greed.
Running a race they must win;
to protect and amass wealth and power."
Verse 6: Last line- Take out the first word "if"; it softens and confuses the impact of the line. and change "neither" to "nor"
You have already made your poem clearer and stronger. Your poem is purposeful and honest. I liked reading something about the boat people that wasn't about how "burdensome" they are.
Wicked, witty and ever so funny, Having been at a "seance" with a so called "psychic" who kept screeching "come out, speak to us". She gave me a headache, I knew if there were spirits they would go to another room until screechy was long gone. This is so funny, had to read it again. I like the natural rhyme scheme (Natural rhyme means you didn't belabor the rhyme by using arcane words or made up words)
Got to enjoy a snarky ghost
You have the possibility of a series of poems about your snarky spirit. Perhaps one with an elderly couple, one with a young family moving into the house or a bunch of teenagers having a alcohol fueled party.
Hey, I would enjoy a revisit with your spirit.
Very true, there are spirits to guide and help all Pilgrims on their roads. Nice choices in your rhyme scheme; so nice to see a rhymed work that does not belabor the rhymes and uses "natural" or "true" rhymes. A nice, inspiring work that is an easy read and a quick lift for the weary traveler.
To say this "resonates" with me is a colossal understatement. It is like a kick in the chest that causes a memory cascade of someone who once was but took his own life. Just a moment and it passes, this was 41 years ago and now I am left with the more pleasant memories of my friend.
This work has great power and the sorrow and loss weep from every word. This is raw and hard hitting; the ache of feeling powerless when someone you care about takes their life is palpable. No one can miss the heart felt pain in this work.
In three or four years look back on this poem with an eye to revision. For this moment of pain, this is perfect; however, in a few years you will be able to see the repetitive elements. This is not the time, though.
May spirit ease your heart and provide comfort.
Since you are not a native English speaker, let me explain that you have some wording oddities that make your work less clear. If I am too critical, let me know; my feelings will not be hurt and I will ease up.
line two: Try "They belong to no land."
line three: "No Nation claims them."
and line four is unneeded, it lessens the effect of lines 2 & 3.
line five: "No Nation, no homeland" (more emotional punch.)
I am going to need to come back and finish this. Suddenly, I feel unwell.
No, it is not because of your poem!
Very interesting, I don't think "enjoyed" is the proper term; even though it was worth reading more the once, and I did. This is disquieting, and I believe that was intentional. It expresses the confusion, sometimes even delusion of someone suffering a mental breakdown. In the second line you say "All because I've done s***" question, does this mean you have done s*** as in "nothing" or done s*** as in drugs or something to bring trouble down on you?
All of us have loose memories, it is a difficult task to learn to file them into files that are sealed until they can no longer hurt us.
All in all, you have done an excellent job of expressing mind in a mental breakdown.
First the medicine: In line six, you have "your" as in belonging to you and I believe you wanted "you're" a contraction for "you are"
Okay, sugar time, You have expressed the wild ride that" love' that is truly not love can be so well; it can be a confusing, cruel, often savage ride until the abused chooses to leave the ride. You have written a nice tight piece that tells of both the ups and downs of abuse. (In your title, "innuendo" has two n's) If this is what you are living, my prayers are with you.
OH yes, this, I like! I am both reader and writer. To be without reading material is my personal idea of hell. I am an a reader of almost anything, devouring newspapers, mysteries, sci-fi, fantasy, history, military, poetry, classic literature, plays of all types. This is perfect in its expression of the relationship between writer and reader. The reader cannot find something the writer did not include. This was a joy to read. Thank you for writing it.
Can't think of anything grumpy to say, I like "We the Readers" too much.
Whoa! Not at all what I expected, in fact much better than I expected. Quite the twist, having her find the wire hanger and alcohol. Such a sad life for a child.. Well written; you just tell it like it is without demonizing the bishop. You let his actions condemn him, very effective.
So funny, I have lived a day like this one; only, my shiner came from trying to get the container of ice from under the ice maker and no one offered me a klutz vaccine.
Your story is witty and wickedly funny, I enjoyed it so much, I read it again. Which is something I rarely do.
I am trying to find something critically helpful, but I like the tone and language. and there are no screaming spelling errors.
Can't help it, I like this.
First, Congratulations! My families traditional wedding wish is "May God grant the two of you a life filled with happiness and the tiniest bit of sorrow to make the joys more sweet."
Now to the review : In this form it would work better to use the word "two" instead of the numeral "2". You begin three lines in a succession that begin with the word "cheer". Think about changing some of them, maybe "Sing with joy" "Roar with laughter". Just a thought. I like the light tone of this piece. It is so happy!
You speak of rights, yet never mention the responsibilities that go with each right. This is a big block of text for some people to read. You might want to tighten it up I, am also older, in my sixties and in a wheelchair, so I appreciate my "protection"
I grew up in a home with lots of weapons, including many many hand guns. I am the oldest of seven. There was never a single kid playing with gun incident in our home because we were taught the dangers and rules for handling weapons. My parents never tucked a weapon under a couch cushion or stuffed a gun under the edge of a mattress, like so many people do. Every right carries with it responsibilities; if you own guns, you must treat them in a safe manner. If you cannot do that, you should not be allowed to own a gun. If your five year old finds a gun under the couch cushions and fires it; or if you get stupid drunk and wave your weapon and fire into the air, you should lose your rights to own a gun. People who do not exercise responsibility while exercising their rights endanger all of use.
No one needs a fully automatic weapon. They are lousy for hunting and are designed for one purpose, slaughtering humans. Now I love weapons of all varieties; my all time favorite handgun is a hogleg Colt 45; trust me when I say, if I need to fire my weapon, I will put a decent size hole in someone.. Speaking of firing a weapon at another human being; people need to be well trained, I have seen far too many people freeze when faced with a bad situation. I thank God every morning I wake up and am alive that my Father trained me properly and I was able to neutralize my attackers each time. The first time was difficult, but I knew it was a matter of my life or death. Afterward, the police told me the 17 year old I wounded had killed 3 people in 3 incidents.
Incidentally, it is my belief that people who are too lazy to vote in an educated manner are surrendering their rights
First, you are missing an "i" in the word "sitting" in your title.
I like this. It is honest and expresses a feeling we have all had at one time or another. You use simple words and weave them into a work of art.
Great fun! As a newbie who has been writing for over fifty years, I like to read and review. This poem is concise and straight forward. The only criticism is the lack of a question mark at the end of the last line.
You have a concept with great possibilities. There seems to be something missing; almost as if a verse is missing in the middle. Are you trapped in a bed by a body that betrayed you or strapped in a wheelchair, unable to stand? The best advice I ever received was to read my work out loud. I know if I cannot make it read smoothly and flow; the reader will have even more trouble reading it.
Your first and last verses are good; it is in the middle that the problem lies.
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