This story drew me in from the get-go. I love survival stories! Skyla's responses to the crash are truly realistic. Especially when she panics trying to open the hatch door. I love how the Bear Grylls show kind of gave her insight on what to grab for survival.
My only suggestion (and it's really no biggie) would be to change this sentence by taking out a few words. They feel redundant:
She repeated the message multiple times, until she could no longer speak.
This could be the great beginning to a longer story. Intrigued to find out if there are any other survivors, if and how Skyla has to survive, and whether she's ever found. Excellent writing!
I have to say, writing romance seems like it would be a hard genre to work with. There's a fine line there between showing the difference between love and lust. I'm not getting a lot of information about what Anna loves about her husband but more her sexual desire for him. Which, don't get me wrong, is still an important part of marriage! But that line, "...that dance that made it impossible for her to love anyone else." gives more an impression of sensual love (which I learned is your area of expertise after taking a peek at your portfolio ) rather than the type of love that is steady and overcomes all the warts, etc. Or romance, which (in my opinion, which might not be saying much) gives the idea of wooing and pursuing. Again, such a hard genre to write because, I think, each of us have our own idea of what "romance" means and how to portray it.
Your story did send me off to memory lane, though. My husband and I just had our 21st wedding anniversary. How time flies! We were so young, then. We've settled more into a comfortable love. A love that we daily choose because we care for each other and want the best for each other, with a sprinkling of passion vs that passionate beginning that seemed to overtake everything else. Funny how "love" evolves into something strong like that, eh?
Things I noticed that might need fixed:
"dance floor" is two words "She remembered how she pressed into him on the dancefloor at The Stix..."
And this sentence reads awkwardly. I think the word "him" should be replaced with "my", because Nolan is talking about himself:
Nolan laughed. "That dreamy eyed I'm still madly in love with him incredible husband and how soon before these guests leave look."
I get the couple is flirting but when Nolan says "Definitely", it doesn't really sound like flirting but more like what should be the beginning of a fight. Because Nolan is basically telling her that it matters if she's wrong and it's human nature to not want to be wrong. Doesn't sound very romantical to be told you're wrong. lol.
Missing a word in this sentence:
His mouth hovered over hers, and before she could say another word, his lips met hers.
When Anna says Nolan is full of himself, formatting needs to be fixed to fit the rest of the story.
Have you heard of "A Romance Contest - winners announced" ? Only runs for a few more days. I've been debating all month about entering, though my romance writing skills aren't my strongest area. Looks like it'd be fun to try. I betcha you'd do great, though. You definitely have a skill for showing desire, love, and romance.
At first glance, this poem gives off spooky-ish vibes of a mysterious and dangerous place. But after I read it again, I realized it's not that scary. In fact, I could see this being the start of a children's adventure in some fantasy world.
I love the rhyming. I'm the type that only really feels like it's a poem if there's rhyming so that made me happy.
My favorite line is: "Dripping trees, and vines that wither". Such a good picture that I can see in my mind's-eye.
Only suggestion would be to use a dropnote to hide the prompt description.
Just wanted to remind you, though, that part of the rules are to include the character count in the forum post. Would hate to see you disqualified. I think your entry is the best (better than mine, too, lol) so far.
This free-verse poem flows well. It's precise but makes one think. Reminds me of when I was in my early twenties. Shy, not meeting people. But once I put myself out there and became vulnerable to life, I met the man who would be my husband and my whole world changed.
I found myself really focusing on "each breath is a miracle" and it sent me on a search for a part in the Bible that I vaguely remembered. Says every breath is given by God to all who walk on the Earth. That was me paraphrasing Isaiah 42:5. Comforting thought, knowing each breath is a miracle given by God.
How very true we only have this one life to make a difference. To live to our full earthly potential. And then comes our reward and a greater life where no risks will be required.
Good poem. I'm glad I was able to review this one. Really made me think and appreciate how risks in life can bring joy.
This was a great idea for the Cramp's Michelin prompt! I think you might have missed the time deadline, though. If you're currently in Oregon (my state! ), which I thought I remembered you saying you were visiting OR? then 9 am here is about 11 WDC (or EDT) time. There's a spot on the left of the site that shows the date and THEIR time. lol.
I think, JCosmos, this is the first time I've read a story from you vs a poem!
I love how the aliens are forcing humans to literally eat the rich.
Kind of a scary thing that these alien spiders included mixed raced peoples for immediate destruction. I'm sitting here trying to think who among humanity ISN'T considered "mixed" anymore. I mean, my great grandmother was 100% German but I've got a mixture of Irish, German, Polish, English...and my grandpa on my dad's side claimed his mother was half Native American soooo?? But that was over 100 years ago. Who, nowadays, would be "pureblood"? Some Asians? A few African tribes? Is there actually anyone that's not "mixed" in some way, in 2024? That stipulation alone would take out a HUGE percentage of mankind.
I saw the note that this is the beginning of your unpublished novel. I had some questions, hopefully they'll be helpful with your rough draft.
If these aliens want humans to learn the Galactic Standard which, I'm assuming, isn't much like Earth languages since it'll take at least a year to learn...why does Zero use the f-bomb? It honestly throws off the believability of the invasion and doesn't seem to fit. It seems a very human word.
I would suggest you show some mannerisms or language that Zero's kind would use. Let us get an idea of what the Galactic Standard might be like and how difficult or easy it may be for mankind to learn. Maybe toss in a random word, as if he can't find Earth's equivalent. Or, if Zero is using some kind of universal translation device (especially if he's addressing all peoples on Earth, in their various languages), it would be helpful to let that be known to the reader.
Being that the alien overlords are spiders, when Zero "calmly walks out" of the CNN filming area, it would give a better creepy visual if you described how his legs moved. In fact, throughout the whole encounter it would be interesting to "see" him using those legs to gesture or poke at humans, etc. as he speaks.
Does he have multiple eyes? Can he shoot webs? Perhaps the camera operator tries to run but gets caught in sticky web?
I'm curious why a race of alien spiders would care about the sexual orientation of humans? Why would that matter to them? Or drug addicts. Wouldn't those addicted to drugs be easier for the aliens to control? Or is it that drugs affect the taste of human blood? That is, if the spiders are planning on eating the humans?
Spiders are a big fear of mine so this sort of invasion would be the ultimate horror. I also am the type that would probably open my mouth and say something "subversive" and get killed ASAP.
Oh, for WDC, the ASR rating isn't high enough for f-bombs. ASR allows for softer curses like "dang" and "darn". The f-bomb gets upgraded to 18+
The dome would be an interesting "fix" for humanity. Sounds an awful lot like plans they've proposed before, such as 15 minute cities. Keeping everyone close where Big Brother can watch them with all that AI tech.
Also sounds like this could be the great set-up to a horror movie/book where AI encloses humanity and take over.
Loved the last line. Reminds me of Fallout, where an underground bunker could save a family...for a price. lol.
I highly doubt China, which is the biggest polluter of the world (creates twice as much pollution as the USA! Eek!), would comply with such drastic measures.
Where would the pollution go, after being trapped in the dome? Pumped out into the already toxic world? Because pollution from production, etc wouldn't suddenly stop, right? Even if the companies did promise to join efforts to save humanity and "go green", there'd still be some amount of pollution.
Interesting concept, the domed cities. I can see a lot of potential there for an action adventure or a zombie apocalypse.
Oh, have you heard about the 105 mile-long city Saudi Arabia is planning? It's called The Line and is supposedly going to run on renewable energy. Will only be 200 meters wide and, I believe, the walls that enclose the whole thing will be 500 meters tall. Very...dystopian, in my opinion. Can you imagine being trapped with that many people and a pandemic breaking out, with no escape?
Hey, JCosmos. Just popping off a quick note to let you know that the name of Supergirl isn't Kal-El. That's Superman. Supergirl is Kara Zor-El. Superboy is Kon-El.
I absolutely loved this story. I had completely forgotten about the existence of Raggedy Ann and Andy until now! Reminded me of a really old cartoon movie with those wonderful rag dolls going on an adventure. Good memories!
I love how this story is full of kindness and charity. It's beautiful how an act of kindness can change hearts.
This is a perfect children's story and fits the picture prompt. No errors in grammar, etc that I could find. That last line about their candy heart made for such a sweet ending!
As soon as I saw the word Snoopy, I started to grin. I loved the path you took with the prompt, to tell a story about good ole Charlie Brown. Brought back so many memories of watching and reading about all those Peanuts.
You were spot-on with the characters.
My only suggestion would be, when Lucy enters the scene, to take out the "way" in this sentence: Her forehead creased and her mouth turned way down at the corners when she saw them.
This was a fun story that brought back much nostalgia.
đŸ˜†
In my case, it was my husband re-training my towel folding skills.
Now I get after the kids to fold in a way that allows the towel cupboard to close. Lol
Got a good chuckle from this story!
I only know Imagine Dragons because of my kids. They love the song "Believer". I didn't know the singer had a disease that affected his joints. The song makes a lot more sense with that information.
I like that you included a picture, so we can see immediately who you're talking about. I also like how you included your favorite song so we can all have an opportunity to hear Dan sing. Fun use in font color, as well.
Informative, heart-felt piece. My only suggestion would be to include the prompt, line count, etc in a dropnote.
Well, I don't know much about John Lennon. Not really my groove. Funny the trivia that one still learns, even if you don't really listen to the music. Like I've heard of Yoko Ono and I knew that was the woman referred to in your poem, but I don't know what the deal was with her.
I like the rhyming scheme. Makes it easy to follow and understand. "Bull-headed" threw me off, though, cause everything else rhymes but not that. Any reason why you didn't write it as "bulls***"? Seems that would have fit better. And it doesn't appear that it would be a taboo word in either of the contests you entered.
Your dropnote needs to be closed for the formatting to be complete. Tricky little coding!
Isn't it interesting that Christianity is the only religion that's openly mocked and ridiculed? Not Hinduism, Islam, Buddhism, etc...just Christians.
Even the Flying Spaghetti Monster was created to poke fun at the idea of a Creator.
So strange to me how the world claims to be inclusive and loving towards all...until it comes to Christians.
Does that ever strike you as odd? Like, why protest so much against us? Unless there's some truth to this particular "religion" that people are trying to dismiss with their contempt?
Ah, well. We were told we'd be hated.
Suggestions for your poem: while I understand free verse can flow however the author wishes, the prompt words being added like a list was a distraction. I also would have liked to hear more of a back and forth between the atheist and Christian. To follow along Joe's thought process as he created this mythical Spaghetti Monster.
This was such a heartwarming message. As a mom of 9 I 100% understand the sacrificial love we moms have for our children. The sleep deprivation from staying up with new infants or sick kiddos, helping wish schoolwork, all the meals, and the worrying and praying for them as they grow. All borne out of love.
Your experience in getting stuck out on the water reminds me of a movie I saw years ago, Dante's Peak. A family was trapped after a volcanic eruption and were trying to cross a lake to get to safety. The lake had become acidic. When their boat got stuck the grandmother ended up jumping into the deadly water to pull them the last few feet to safety. She ended up dying for her family. Even now, that scene brings a lump to my throat, knowing we mothers are literally willing to die for our children.
I've never heard that old saying about children growing to walk over our hearts. I like it.
No grammar or spelling errors that I could see. Everything looks great. Very sweet read.
This story drew me in from the get-go. I love the way Sally smacks her hands on the table. At that moment I felt like I could really "see" the story playing out. Also made me laugh how they stare at each other before Sally bets the 20 bucks. Great ending, where there was more care about Sally escaping unharmed than losing out on $20.
My only suggestion would be to put the word count and prompt in a dropnote so they aren't detracting from the story.
Your story drew me in from the get-go and had me imagining all sorts of possibilities for the noise. I honestly wondered if it was going to be a raccoon or bat in the attic. Glad "you" didn't have to actually trudge up to that part of the house to investigate.
Loved the phrases "Sofa City" and that patience isn't in your DNA. That made me laugh and now I kinda want to use that, in the future, in real life. I also loved the consistency of the thwackitythump.
I suppose my only question, and I honestly don't know the answer to it, is: do birds hunt for food for their babies all night or do they sleep like us humans during that time?
This story fits the Horror Writing Contest prompt well. I appreciate the slightly different tone of horror in that, there wasn't a bunch of blood and graphic gore, but the terror and "horror" of incineration. I like the phrase where Rekshi could smell the charred flesh. That detail really adds to the gruesomeness.
This gives a feel/reminder of the story of Moses, in the Bible, when he killed an Egyptian that was beating an Israelite. Just like Moses, Rekshi, one of the "elite", sacrifices his own well being and station in life to save his people. Not sure if the allegory was intentional, but I like it.
I like the beginning, where Rekshi talks about how everyone knows Farix is an ass.
Couple of things I noticed that are easy fixes. When you wrote:
He returned my salute, "granted, soldier. Report back here at system hour 264-0200 for your next shift."
The word "granted" should be capitalized.
And here:
"And go where?" Asked the skeptical woman.
The word "asked" should be in lowercase.
Otherwise, everything looks perfect in the grammar and spelling departments.
I love all the interesting names in this story and I can see how this could develop into an adventure to find a safe haven for the Lesser Verets.
Wow, Ruwth. I read through your OA Story and that is quite a testimony, of sorts. The way God helped you with the smoking and drinking and how He never gave up on you. I also really felt the "looking in the mirror and calling bullsh*t" about looking good. I would never believe that about myself. I believe we should be honest with ourselves and it would be a lie for me, personally, to say something like that. I love, though, how you could come to accept a different phrase.
Sugar is so dang addictive. It really should be listed as a drug. You try to get off it, and you go through detox and feel "crazy". I've tried so many times to just eat meat, veggies, fruit (my body gains weight on too many carbs so I've been trying to cut out the grains) but I can't seem to go two days without giving in to the temptation of sugar. That's a hard one. I can see why it might not be an ideal plan, but one worth striving for.
I, too, enjoy eating while watching something. A show on the computer or doom-scrolling through youtube. But you're right, it's too easy to get distracted and just keep eating and then associate watching something with the need to eat, whether we're hungry or not. I grew up reading while eating which, I would say, can cause the same problem. The idea of sitting and eating without a book or a screen in front of my face makes me feel...antsy.
Honestly can't wait until we're with Jesus and get to have-at that wedding feast with no fear of it making us sick, feeling like a glutton, gaining weight, etc. Just enjoying Him and the food.
Anyway, you've opened my eyes to some things I might have to change with my own eating habits. Thank you for being so bold to share the hard times in your life. I think many of us can relate to much of it and there's peace in knowing we're not struggling alone with the food addictions.
First line brought a smile to my face and from there, I couldn't stop grinning. Such a cute poem! I like how every stanza starts with a sound or movement from the animal. Gives a great impression of spring without using the taboo words, too. The imagery is simple but sweet. I think it would make a great children's poem.
My only suggestion would be to put the extra information (prompt, line count, etc) into a dropnote.
I went and checked the prompt and your Hook the Book fits the picture perfectly. Amusing concept, aliens coming to Earth only to deliver packages. Unique idea, too.
I did notice you wrote "put" instead of "outcompete", which confused me at first. Just sneak back in and fix it right-quick and nobody will notice.
As a mother of 9 minions wonderful blessings (yes, nine!), I am able to say that you have some great advice for your future younglings.
I would suggest adding that children should always stand fast and hold on to the Truth, even if it goes against the flow or makes people angry.
Couple of things that might help with the layout of this letter:
You pasted it twice, so it's repeating itself. That's an easy edit and fix, though.
When you say, "...never let anyone tell you how valuable you are..." do you mean "don't let anyone tell you that you aren't valuable"? Because, obviously, our children (even future children!) are extremely valuable.
Looks like a good work in progress. I can see it still needs an ending of some kind to tie it altogether.
Beautiful words. Praying you will get that chance to be a mom someday. Sounds like you'll be a good one.
It's a scary thing, watching your child breathe during the night and praying they'll be okay. Not quite the same thing, but one of my sons had horrible asthma when he was little. Had us running to the hospital so many times that the hospital began to be normal for him. As a parent, I always wished I could take the illness from him and deal with it myself.
I well know the feeling of them taking up all the space and hogging the pillow...but you just don't care because you want them to be comfortable and safe. This poem really hit home for me.
I especially love the phrase, "Feeding you sugar and love" Though, you say it twice and the second time it doesn't seem to fit. Versus the repeated "It's the middle of the night again" which flows perfectly.
I saw in your bio you're a non-English speaker. Thought I'd let you know that the two times you use "to", it's actually spelled "too". So, "You're too big, you're growing up" and "I'm too scared to fall asleep"
Wonderful poem!
Welcome to WDC!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/geniphery
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.30 seconds at 9:16pm on Sep 20, 2024 via server web2.
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
) rather than the type of love that is steady and overcomes all the warts, etc. Or romance, which (in my opinion, which might not be saying much) gives the idea of wooing and pursuing. Again, such a hard genre to write because, I think, each of us have our own idea of what "romance" means and how to portray it.
), which I thought I remembered you saying you were visiting OR? then 9 am here is about 11 WDC (or EDT) time. There's a spot on the left of the site that shows the date and THEIR time. lol. 
