\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/geminigem
Review Requests: OFF
505 Public Reviews Given
505 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 ... Next
1
1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Greetings PureSciFiPlus Author Icon! I am sending you a review of your story, "An Old Party Every Year" Open in new Window.. I hope that you find something interesting or helpful to you.

*Gem* WHY I AM REVIEWING THIS:
"Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.
*Shield1* Official Judge's Review *Shield1*


*GemG* TITLE: The title does lend an air of mystery to the story.

*GemO* HOOK: A house that suddenly appears every year works as a hook.

*GemP* SETTING: The contest prompt guides the setting and you did incorporate this into the story.

*GemT* CONFLICT/STORYLINE: There are elements of mystery and danger that draws the teenagers to investigate the house they believe is linked to their mother's disappearance ten years ago.

*GemV* CHARACTERS: I wasn't sure who the teens are at first, and I never did figure out who Jackson is. Is he a friend or neighbor? A cousin? His presence did work for you to give more information about the history, but other than that I am not sure why he is there.

*GemY* DIALOG: You do have a good balance of dialog and narration.

*Gem* POINT OF VIEW: Third-person point of view works for this story.

Click here to see Nuts & Bolts ▼

*Gembl* FINAL THOUGHTS: Thank you for entering the contest.

Power Reviewers Review Sig
2
2
Review of Soul Thief  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Greetings Amethyst Snow Angel Author Icon! I am sending you a review of your story, "Soul Thief" Open in new Window.. I hope that you find something interesting or helpful to you.

*Gem* WHY I AM REVIEWING THIS:
"Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.
*Shield1* Official Judge's Review *Shield1*


*GemG* TITLE: The title is relevant to the story and works to draw the reader in.

*GemO* HOOK: You set up that there is something worrying the main character in the first paragraph.

*GemP* SETTING:The contest prompt does dictate the setting, but you did a good job incorporating it into the story.

*GemT* CONFLICT/STORYLINE: young teenager has a very sick mother. An older teen boy is a wizard and wants to treat her with a potion, but the son won't consent to it until things are desperate.

A couple of small things I noticed. First, we don't know the time setting of this story. Do these people not have telephones? I thought that might be the case. Also, you may need to mention that there was no one Dan could turn to for help because...fill in the blank. That way, when he is tasked to get medical help, there are reasons why he can't pick up the phone and call the doctor, or another relative, neighbor, friend, etc.

*GemV* CHARACTERS: I feel bad for kids that have to take on adult responsibilities, like taking care of a sick mother. He did the best he could but found himself in a compromising position when is mother becomes severely ill. He shows a lot of character through the whole story and it was easy to root for him.

*GemY* DIALOG: There is a lot of dialog, and it does help move the plot along and show the characters really well. My favorite dialog line is "Yeah, right. Get lost, please." The please at the end of that sentence gives a big clue about Dan's character.

*Gem* POINT OF VIEW: Third-person point of view is appropriate for this story.

*Gembl* NUTS & BOLTS: I did not notice any spelling or grammatical errors.

*Dog2* FINAL THOUGHTS: Thank you for entering the contest.


Power Reviewers Review Sig
3
3
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Greetings LightinMind Author Icon! I am sending you a review of your story, "The House in the Forest" Open in new Window.. I hope that you find something interesting or helpful to you.

*Gem* WHY I AM REVIEWING THIS:
"Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.
*Shield1* Official Judge's Review *Shield1*


*GemG* TITLE: I am unsure where the title came from. Yes, the prompt is a house on a lake, but I didn't see any mention of the house being green. Now, it could be related to the power source for the house rather than the color of the house, but there is no way to know that.

*GemO* HOOK: You start out with action right at the beginning, which is a good way to hook in your reader.

*GemP* SETTING: The contest picture prompt dictates the setting, but you used it well, weaving it into the story.

*GemT* CONFLICT/STORYLINE: The original conflict that sent the two main characters running for their lives in a remote Canadian forest is unclear. Later it is presumed who the aggressors are, but we never learn for sure. Why were they in the forest in the first place? Just because people are be being pursued by unknown thugs, they would still need to have a reason for being in the forest. It may sound like a trivial thing, but it could bring the whole thing together a bit better.

*GemV* CHARACTERS: Husband and wife scientists, who have found themselves being pursued (allegedly) for their work when they stumble upon a secret location and are kept there because they know too much. They seem to take their captivity very well and make the most of it.

*GemY* DIALOG: Once the main characters are in their new location, there is a better mix of dialog and narration.

*Gem* POINT OF VIEW: Third-person point of view is appropriate for this story.

*Gembl* NUTS & BOLTS: Here are a couple of things I noticed.

They were marched to the house in the middle of the lake. I think you need a different verb here. Marching to a house in the middle of the lake does not make any sense. Perhaps this: They were taken to the house in the middle of the lake.

"You took a lot of risks to get away from your pursuers and ignored a lot of 'Keep out' signs in the process. Who were they?" You separate the mention of the pursuers from the question of who they are. There is a bit about ignoring signs in between. What that does is make the reader who the "they" are. My suggestion would be to reverse the order of things in the first sentence so that the question makes sense. You ignored a lot of 'Keep Out' signs and took a lot of risks to get away from your pursuers. Who are they?

*indigo* FINAL THOUGHTS: Thank you for entering the contest.

Power Reviewers Review Sig
4
4
Review of The Dark Lake  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Greetings weirdone! I am sending you a review of your story, "The Dark Lake" Open in new Window.. I hope that you find something interesting or helpful to you.

*Gem* WHY I AM REVIEWING THIS:
"Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.
*Shield1* Official Judge's Review *Shield1*


*GemG* TITLE: Your title is relevant to the story.

*GemO* HOOK: I very much like the conversational tone of your narration. The first three paragraphs contain information that sets up the story, but the real hook doesn't occur until paragraph four. With short stories, it is important that the hook happens right away so that your reader will continue with the story.

*GemP* SETTING: The contest picture prompt does supply the setting, but you used it to good effect in the story.

*GemT* CONFLICT/STORYLINE: A high school girl is bullied for not being able to swim and is set up for an elaborate and dangerous prank.

*GemV* CHARACTERS: I had no problem rooting for your main character. I think that most people can relate to being bullied, then mistaking someone as a friend that is not.

*GemY* DIALOG: Your dialog was effective to move the plot along and inform the reader.

*Gem* POINT OF VIEW: Third-person point of view worked well for this story.

*Gembl* NUTS & BOLTS:
That IO would somehow escape from this place and not go into the water. You do have a typo in this sentence. Also, this sentence needs to be connected to the sentence before it.

Karen screamed loudest of all. Except maybe for Jill. Because one of the tentacles wrapped around each of them and pulled them into the lake.I am a fan of sentence fragments, but they really need to used sparingly. In this instance, it made things a bit choppy. This is what I recommend to make this paragraph read better: Karen screamed loudest of all, except maybe for Jill. One of the tentacles wrapped around each of them and pulled them into the lake.

At that point, all the other Roses turned around ran away from the place. What I would recommend that you delete "at this point". It doesn't add anything to the understanding of the sentence.

*Dog2* FINAL THOUGHTS: Thank you for entering the contest!

Power Reviewers Review Sig
5
5
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Greetings Sumojo Author Icon! I am sending you a review of your story, "Win Some, Lose Some " Open in new Window.. I hope that you find something interesting or helpful to you.

*Gem* WHY I AM REVIEWING THIS:
"Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.
*Shield1* Official Judge's Review *Shield1*


*GemG* TITLE: The title is a familiar saying that does tie to the story.

*GemO* HOOK: I couldn't identify a clear hook. Maybe you should do a little foreshadowing of the peace of the countryside about to shattered? That's just an idea.

*GemP* SETTING: The contest picture prompt gave you the setting, but you did a good job of incorporating it into your story.

*GemT* CONFLICT/STORYLINE: I think you set the story up well...except for one detail that bugged me. If the lake hasn't flooded since the 1800's, why all the sudden is the spirit causing this? I know it wanted a sacrifice, but why now?

*GemV* CHARACTERS: The family is a tight-knit unit. The parents are happy and relaxed in their retirement in the beginning, and the twin sons seem very close to them. When the danger comes, it is interesting to see the family dynamics change.

The addition of Old Shaemus was interesting. In rural Ireland, you would expect some old folks that know all about the legends of the area.

*GemY* DIALOG: You have a good balance of dialog and narration.

*Gem* POINT OF VIEW: Third-person point of view is appropriate for this story.

*Gembl* NUTS & BOLTS:

‘The hunters are home with dinner!’ Dave dropped a couple of good-sized fish in the big, stone sink in the kitchen. ‘Where’s the old man?’ Is there a time advancement between the paragraph before this one and and this paragraph? It isn't indicated, but it doesn't make sense otherwise. In the earlier paragraphs has Paul, the dad in the scene, but this paragraph one of the sons ask where the dad is (he is at the golf course). This is a little confusing, but it should be really easy to remedy. Maybe start this paragraph with "The next day..."

*Dog2* FINAL THOUGHTS: Thank you for entering the contest.

Power Reviewers Review Sig
6
6
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings Espero Author Icon! I am sending you a review of your story, "The Maniac Across The Lake" Open in new Window.. I hope that you find something interesting or helpful to you.

*Gem* WHY I AM REVIEWING THIS:
"Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.
*Shield1* Official Judge's Review *Shield1*


*GemG* TITLE: Your title is relevant, but it gives me pause. I think it is referring to the description of "maniac".

*GemO* HOOK: Your hook is in the second and third paragraphs, when you introduce the Watcher and hint at past issues. The first paragraph is good information, but having a description as your very first paragraph is risky. A reader may look at the description and click out of it instead of reading on.

*GemP* SETTING: The picture contest prompt does set up where the story will take place, but you did a good job of expanding and weaving it into your story.

*GemT* STORY STRUCTURE: I appreciate that you are making it clear that there are shifts in time in this story. The headings certainly make change in time clear. Introducing the Watcher is nice bit of foreshadowing.

*GemV* CHARACTERS: Intense emotions like unrelenting grief and anger can do a lot of damage to a person. It might even turn someone into a murderer, I suppose.

I was unclear how long the Watcher had been...well, watching. It was said that no one knew where Edward disappeared to, so I assume he had not been across the lake the entire 35 years.

*GemY* DIALOG: You have a good balance of dialog and narration.

*Gem* POINT OF VIEW: Third-person point of view is appropriate for this story.

*Gembl* NUTS & BOLTS: I did not notice any spelling or grammatical errors. There is a minor thing I need to point out about the following sentence.
"What the hell, let me out. Edward, let me out, help." I know that using exclamation marks in narration is not a great thing, but I believe you could get away with it for dialog. Malcolm would probably be panicking a bit here, so it would help.

*Dog2* FINAL THOUGHTS:Thank you for entering the contest.

Power Reviewers Review Sig
7
7
Review of Voices  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings THANKFUL SONALI Love my family Author Icon! I am sending you a review of your story, "Voices" Open in new Window.. I hope that you find something interesting or helpful to you.

*Gem* WHY I AM REVIEWING THIS:
"Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.
*Shield1* Official Judge's Review *Shield1*


*GemG* TITLE: Title and subtitle let a potential reader know what is going to be important in the story.

*GemO* HOOK: You do share some important information in the first couple of paragraphs, but I don't see a hook there.

*GemP* SETTING: The contest picture prompt does dictate what the setting of the story is, but you chose an interesting plot line that lead the main character to the house.

*GemT* CONFLICT/STORYLINE: A woman mourns the death of her father and feels lonely without the sound of his voice. She tries to find a way to fill the need to hear voices without having someone else move into her house.

*GemV* CHARACTERS: Did you realize that you never mention the main character's name? (If you did, I completely missed it.) I would give that bit of information at the beginning of the story (replace the first instance of "she" with her name), then you can refer to her as she from there on, if you wish.

*GemY* DIALOG: When you have a solidary character, making sure there is some dialog to balance out the narrative is a challenge. You were up to that challenge.

*Gem* POINT OF VIEW: Third-person point of view works fine in this story.

*Gembl* NUTS & BOLTS:
But first, she had to watch 'Home Alone' carefully ... Honestly, the Home Alone movie reference didn't make sense to me, at least at first. It was probably because I wasn't sure what was meant by "get to the bottom of this. Now granted, it is explained in the next paragraph, but I was a little lost by then.

*Dog2* FINAL THOUGHTS: Thank you for entering the contest.

Power Reviewers Review Sig
8
8
Review of A Final Request  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Mousethyme! Thank you for taking on the challenge of writing a fictional accounting of your untimely demise, followed by a letter requesting a friend or family member to send your death certificate to The StoryMaster so your port can be preserved for "Merit Badge Magic" Open in new Window..

I have a couple of quick thoughts I would like to share.

I suppose that is the physical mailing address for the site that you have in your letter...I wasn't able to confirm it (I was curious). I know the town and city are correct, but I have never mailed anything to Writing.Com. That would be a fine alternative to emailing The StoryMaster if your designated person isn't much into computer stuff, though. Good thinking!

You put a note that you did not want to pass along any of your activities, and that is absolutely fine. What about any gift points that you have in your account? If you don't want to give them to one person, you could donate them to a group. Give it some thought.

If you do decide to do it, I would recommend adding a separate item in your port as a note to The StoryMaster so he can take care of that detail once he receives the death certificate.

I will be sending you your three merit badges, but since I just sent you a MB they will be spaced out a bit.

Thank you again for doing this challenge!


Power Reviewers Review Sig
9
9
Review of Bad Boy  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings Sumojo Author Icon! I am sending you a review of your story, "Bad Boy" Open in new Window.. I hope that you find something interesting or helpful to you.

*Gem* WHY I AM REVIEWING THIS: It is Week 36 of "I Write in 2024" Open in new Window..

*GemBL* FIRST IMPRESSION: I decided to go ahead and post my story in I Write and review whatever was posted there ahead of me. I was pleased to see it was you, since I am sure it has been quite a while since I have sent you a review. Then I realized it was a horror story, and that gave me pause. Well, it won't be the first horror story I have reviewed by a long shot. I will just have to read it see what you've got for me.

*GemG* TITLE: Your title is appropriate to the story and appropriately ominous.

*GemO* HOOK and SETTING: You set up the classic horror scene of the nighttime woods in your first paragraph. It is a dangerous place and we know something bad is going to happen in those woods.

*GemT* CONFLICT/STORYLINE: We have a man in the woods at night, identified as a predator, who is watching some young boy scouts who are camping in the woods.

*GemV* CHARACTERS: The man in the woods is having flashbacks to his own childhood when he was severely abused. It seems that things aren't going to end well for the scout who is celebrating his tenth birthday.

*GemY* DIALOG: Most of what we get is the internal dialog of the unknown man in the woods. It is certainly an important part of the story. The reader gets the feeling of how his childhood affected his mind and the darkness that is driving him.

*Gem* POINT OF VIEW: Third-person limited point of view works well for this story.

*Gembl* NUTS & BOLTS:
But the natives are not the only ones who need to be aware. A two-legged predator is on the loose this night, roaming in familiar territory, watching and listening to the strangers in his midst.
I am not usually someone who fusses over starting a sentence with a preposition, but I think you could easily delete the "but" and the sentence would read just fine and probably be even a little less awkward.

be aware. I think you meant beware.

"In his midst" doesn't really work. Something can be in the mist of a group or a crowd, in the midst of an episode of something, in the midst of a place, but not in the midst of a single person. I tried really hard to come up with a work-around to help you, but I failed spectacularly. I'll have to leave that up to you, LOL

Little did any of them know how the birthday party is going to end. Someone is going to die.
I am going to assume that you had a limited word count and that is why this story ended with a cliff hanger. That works for me.*Thumbsup* I didn't really want to read about little kids dying anyway, if the truth be told. On my first reading, I assumed it would be one of the kids that would die. On my second reading, I got hung-up on the word "someone" in the very last sentence. Wait...does that mean there could be a different ending, maybe the kids manage to take the stalker down and kill him instead? I'm probably reading too much into that word. If my first assumption was correct and that is what you want your readers to think, I would change "someone" to "one of them". If you want to keep it ambiguous, than leave it as is. Only you know what your actual intent was.

You stick to present tense through the whole story until this last sentence. Little does any of them know...

*Dog2* FINAL THOUGHTS: Thanks for sharing your nice and creepy horror story! I'm staying out of the nighttime woods for the foreseeable future. Good luck in the contest!

Power Reviewers Review Sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
10
10
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings JACE Author Icon! I am sending you a review of your poem, "A Drawn Out Passing" Open in new Window.. I do hope you find something that is interesting or helpful to you.

*Gembl* WHY I AM REVIEWING THIS ITEM:It is week 34 of "I Write in 2024" Open in new Window..

*Gemg* IMPACT: This poem is so sad. I work in the medical field and see people like this all the time. They are clinging to life, but the quality of that life is not good as their body and/or mind fails.

You chose a very good image to accompany this poem.

*Gemv* THEME AND CREATIVITY: This is about the end of a particular person's life, but like I mentioned, this could be applied to so many elderly people that it makes it a much more universal poem. You can clearly see the suffering and wonder what drives the person to keep going.

*GemO* TECHNIQUE: The lines are short and to the point, but you are still able to bring in imagery like the fading beer foam and contrasts like holding fast and slipping away.

*GemT* NUTS & BOLTS: These are odds and ends that I present for your consideration. It is up to you what will work for your poem.

Is it so precious,
or fear of dark,
or a debt unpaid
what force drives you?

Should it be...or fear of the dark?
I really like this stanza, but when read for the first time it doesn't make sense until the last line, then read for a second time. It might seem less poetic, but I wonder if you could lead with the last line what force drives you so the other three lines make sense right away.

*Thumbsup* WHAT I LIKED: I understand the need to work out emotions like sadness or grief in a poem. This one made me think about of some of the old folks I know. It was well done and very relatable.

*Dog1* FINAL THOUGHTS: Good luck in your contest!


Power Reviewers Review Sig
11
11
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings KingsSideCastle Author Icon! I am sending you a review of your poem, "The Soothsayer's Advice" Open in new Window.. I do hope you find something interesting or helpful to you.

*Gembl* WHY I AM REVIEWING THIS ITEM: It is Week 32 of "I Write in 2024" Open in new Window..

*Gemo* IMPACT: The title tells us that this is advice from a soothsayer, so I was looking for deeper meaning in the words rather than reading it as a poem strictly about exploring a cave. What I found is the typical mysterious advice you might expect from a "soothsayer", the kind of advice that only makes sense once things are said and done (if you ever figure it out). Give up the wish the dreamer gave. I could just see the receiver of this "sage" advice puzzling about what that might mean.

*Gemp* THEME AND CREATIVITY: I like the Express It In Eight poetry writing activity and I think it is pretty popular on WdC. I suppose it forces the poet to tighten up the language and get the point across in a short amount of space.

*Gemg* TECHNIQUE: I thought it was interesting that you chose to have all eight lines follow the same rhyming pattern. I might have liked to see a bit of a break there with maybe two rhyming patterns, but you did make it work.

*Gemt* Odds & Ends: Adventurer you must be brave.
I would use a comma after Adventurer.

*Dog2* Final Thoughts: Thank you for sharing your poem!


Power Reviewers Review Sig
12
12
Review of Escape  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Greetings 👼intuey Author Icon! I am sending you a review of your story, "Escape" Open in new Window.. I hope that you find something interesting or helpful to you.

*Gem* WHY I AM REVIEWING THIS: It is week 27 over at "I Write in 2024" Open in new Window..

*GemBL* FIRST IMPRESSION: This poem is powerful and dark. There is a real desperation expressed.

*GemG* TITLE: The title is very appropriate to the poem.

*Gembl* NUTS & BOLTS:

I think that everyone has been here, metaphorically, to this place. It is where things seem so bad, so dark, so broken, so unfixable that that they will never be good again. How an individual gets to that place would vary. It could be through loss, abuse, or abandonment. Escape may feel like the only answer.

I like that the descriptions cover physical, mental, and spiritual aspects. Everything is dried up and dead like the land surrounding. It brings that desolation and desperation in its totality to the poem.

*Dog2* FINAL THOUGHTS: Good luck in your contest and continued success in I Write.



Power Reviewers Review Sig
13
13
Review of Pied Piper Inc.  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Greetings Weirdone-Back in the games Author Icon! I am sending you a review of your story, "Pied Piper Inc." Open in new Window.. I hope that you find something interesting or helpful to you.

*Gem* WHY I AM REVIEWING THIS: It's Week 26 of "I Write in 2024" Open in new Window..

*GemG* TITLE: Your title worked for the story.

*GemO* HOOK: You have the Mayor of a town come into work, having to step over homeless people. To really hook your reader in, you might mention that he knows that he will be speaking to a person that claims to have a solution to homelessness.

*GemP* SETTING: You let us know where the characters are/on the steps of the town hall, in a meeting room/in the street. I think that works for the story. I assume you had a word count limit, and sometimes you can't spend much of that on lots of setting description. The only thing I might suggest is to give us the name of this town.

*GemT* CONFLICT/STORYLINE: A main convinces the town leaders that he has a way to solve homelessness after briefly demonstrating a device. He convinces them to pay him to get rid of their homeless population without knowing all the facts.

Since we get 50% of our genes from both of our parents, the premise the Pied Piper presented is flawed. If the Mayor didn't follow the sound of the device, and his wife was trying to keep their kid from doing so, then why would the kid have the homeless gene? Neither of his parents demonstrated having it, in life or by responding to the device. Nonetheless, it is an entertaining premise.

*GemV* CHARACTERS: The "representative of Pied Piper, Inc." never gets named. Was this on purpose? He is a pretty shady character, so maybe any name he gave would be fake anyway, LOL The Mayor seems like a man of action, at least when it benefits him, and makes a rash decision to solve one of the town's problems.

*GemY* DIALOG: You dialog works to inform and move the plot forward.

*Gem* POINT OF VIEW: One of the things I like about third-person point of view is that you can easily give all the characters names. You did not do that with one of your main characters.

*Gembl* NUTS & BOLTS:
Well, we don't what causes it. You are missing a word in this sentence.

Fortunately, the first homeless person, he stepped over This sentence is awkward, and since it is right at the beginning of your story you may want to smooth it out. I would delete "fortunately" (this is assumed).

That came from the Mayor's wife and Francis was his son. I would find another way to drop in that the Mayor's wife is referring to their son.

*Dog2* FINAL THOUGHTS: Good luck in your contest!


Power Reviewers Review Sig
14
14
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings Amethyst Snow Angel Author Icon! I am sending you a review of your story, "Across the County Line" Open in new Window.. I hope that you find something interesting or helpful to you.

*Gem* WHY I AM REVIEWING THIS: I am one of the judges for "Fox's Socks Newbie Short Story Contest" Open in new Window..

*GemG* TITLE: The title does relate to the story.

*GemO* HOOK:You have your characters disagreeing on the merits of a trip that is already underway. That works for a hook. Your reader will want to know why they are going somewhere (and where they are going) if both characters are not wanting to go.

*GemP* SETTING: I like your descriptions of setting in this story.

*GemT* CONFLICT/STORYLINE: What should be a simple outing accidentally turns into much more. I like this story line, and I like that the characters are curious enough to want to figure out what is going on even when they are officially off track.

*GemV* CHARACTERS: The two senior ladies are good together. They are different people, as they should be, but that makes their friendship and their adventure more interesting. I would make sure that their differences continue to be clear through out the story.

*GemY* DIALOG: You use dialog well to inform and move the plot forward.

*Gem* POINT OF VIEW: First-person point of view does work for the story. Since you have two main characters, third-person may have been an easier story-telling option.

*Gembl* NUTS & BOLTS: I didn't notice any problems with spelling or grammar. Good job!

*Dog2* FINAL THOUGHTS: Thank you for entering the contest!

Power Reviewers Review Sig
15
15
Review of Bunker Kitty  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings Inkly Ascension Author Icon! I am sending you a review of your story, "Bunker Kitty " Open in new Window.. I hope that you find something interesting or helpful to you.

*Gem* WHY I AM REVIEWING THIS: I am one of the judges of "Fox's Socks Newbie Short Story Contest" Open in new Window..

*GemG* TITLE: I liked the title and it is relevant to the story.

*GemO* HOOK: I am not sure I see a hook in the story itself. You've got a teaser where the title and other information about your item is. I would say you need to find a way to work one into the very beginning of the story. This is how you ensure that your reader will keep reading the entire story, so it is important.

*GemP* SETTING: James lives in a post-apocalyptic bunker he originally shared with his wife.

*GemT* CONFLICT/STORYLINE: James receives an unexpected visit from the "outside" one day that changes his life.

*GemV* CHARACTERS: James seems like he is living on remote, surviving and not much else. He lost his wife and is very lonely, but he doesn't dare to leave the bunker.

*GemY* DIALOG: You made good use of the cat character so James ends up having someone to talk to.

*Gem* POINT OF VIEW: Third-person point of view works for this story.

*Gembl* NUTS & BOLTS:
He laughed then. The bombs killed my father. And my father has killed me…. I understood the reference to the bombs killing his father, but I did not understand what "my father has killed me" means. Maybe I missed something?

His wife had been with him for 40 years and mattress dragged down from the surface and squeezed through the air-tight door 40 years ago These are two parts of two different sentences that have conflicting mentions of a 40 year time line. Or, at least they seem to be conflicting. Maybe it needs to be more clear when his wife did die, because it seems like something that happened some time ago.

*Dog2* FINAL THOUGHTS: Thank you for entering the contest!

Power Reviewers Review Sig
16
16
Review of INXS X  Open in new Window.
for entry "Disappear" Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Greetings, Purple OnePride Author Icon. I am here to offer you a review on your item "Disappear" Open in new Window. for Week 24 of "I Write in 2024" Open in new Window.. I hope you find something interesting or helpful.

*Thumbsup* WHAT WORKED: I think you did a good job taking the meaning of the song lyrics and turning them into a story.

*GemG* TITLE: If I remember correctly, your story title has to match the song title for the Musicology Challenge, correct? That is understandable, however...the title is prominent in the song, but I'm not sure it figured into the story.

*GemO* HOOK:You pose some really heavy duty questions at the beginning of the of the story, but you don't really say why the main character is contemplating these things. In the lyrics, it mentions watching TV and seeing all the pain and suffering (presumably on the news). I would work that into the story, too. She could be thinking about a TV news program from the morning before work, or maybe she listens to the radio in her office, or maybe she's a social media doom scroller...

*GemP* SETTING: I like that the main character's office is in the back of the office as a whole, where she can see what everybody is up to without their being conscious of her watching. Nice touch.

*GemT* CONFLICT/STORYLINE: I related to this story. I am currently taking a news/social media break so I can just purge some of that negativity out of my psyche. I can't say I fantasized about a guy to get over it, but maybe in my younger years, LOL I did worry about a manager that was having to interview and decide to hire someone she was fantasizing that hard about though. Would she be able to be professional? Would she make a good decision for the company? Now, should I worry about a fictional character that much? No, probably not, but those things did cross my mind.

*GemV* CHARACTERS: I was invested in your main character because I found her situation relatable. Anyone in real life that is aware of all the stuff going on in the world and doesn't get a little stressy-depressy isn't paying attention.

*GemY* DIALOG: There isn't a whole lot of dialog, until the main character interacts with an employee at the end. I'm not sure if there would be a way around that other than presenting the news information "live" from a news source, or have the main character talk to someone in the office about the news stuff before the fantasizing begins. That seems like it would be awkward, though.

*Gem* POINT OF VIEW: First-person point of view does work for this story except for one tiny detail that is super easy to over look. We never get the main character's name. A reviewer of one my own stories where I did this very thing pointed it out to me and let me know that she had a hard time bonding with a character when they don't have a name. I think that is pretty legit issue for a reader.

One place you could fix this (and I do think that it is worth fixing) is having the employee use her name in the conversation. That's at the end of the story, though.

The other way to work it in might be to have the main character mumble to herself "Cheryl, get yourself together." (or something like that) somewhere in the early part of the story. I didn't mean to force a name on you or even what the dialog might be, I was just throwing ideas out to you.

*Gembl* NUTS & BOLTS: I did not notice any grammar or spelling errors. Excellent!

*Dog2* FINAL THOUGHTS: Thank you for sharing your story and continued good luck with both challenges.

Power Reviewers Review Sig
17
17
Review of INXS X  Open in new Window.
for entry "The Stairs" Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Greetings Purple OnePride Author Icon! I am sending you a review of your story, "The Stairs" Open in new Window.. I hope that you find something interesting or helpful to you.

*Gem* WHY I AM REVIEWING THIS: This goes along with my make-up entry during week 21 of "I Write in 2024" Open in new Window..

*GemG* TITLE: The stairs play an important part in this story, so it seems appropriate that would be the title. One small question, though. Why is "The Stairs" repeated twice at the beginning of the story?

*GemO* HOOK: I think your first paragraph does work well as a hook. The reader wonders if something might happen between the two people who pass each other every day on the stairs.

*GemP* SETTING: I was envisioning the wide stairway in an older building that had windows at the landings.

*GemT* CONFLICT/STORYLINE: A guy who works the nightshift, sees a gal who catches his eye every day on the stairway. He is arriving to work and she is leaving her day job. He wonders about her, worries about her, is happy when she appears happy. He doesn't have the nerve to have a conversation with her.

*GemV* CHARACTERS: We don't know much about the female in the story, since the main character does not know her, we don't get to know her, either. We know a bit more about the male since he is the main character. Even so, I found myself rooting for these characters.

*GemY* DIALOG: There isn't any dialog, since the characters never do speak to each other.

*Gem* POINT OF VIEW: First-person point of view limits what we can know about the characters, but it works in this story.

*Dog2* FINAL THOUGHTS: Thank you for sharing your story.

Power Reviewers Review Sig
18
18
Review of Remembering You  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings 👼intuey Author Icon! I am dropping by with a review of your poem "Remembering You" Open in new Window.. I was supposed to review this for Week 21 of "I Write in 2024" Open in new Window., but due to a glitch in the matrix I originally reviewed the wrong item. (That's my story and I'm sticking to it.)

This poem breaks my heart. Your love and grief for the grandson you lost is so evident in it, even though you clearly are focusing on the positive memories of him. He must have been a joy to be around because you mention his smile and laughter mulitple times.

Grief for a loved one can be so strong that it would be hard to see how the family could possibly go on without this beloved person.
How could our family ever belong
With you already in the hereafter?

I enjoyed the form (rhyming pattern) of this poem. The rhymes are there, which pulls things together, but they aren't so close that it seems trite or superficial. This would be especially important considering you are writing about a very important subject with big emotional meaning.

Thank you for sharing this poem.

Power Reviewers Review Sig
19
19
Review of Dream  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Greetings Amethyst Snow Angel Author Icon! I am sending you a review of your story, "Dream" Open in new Window.. I hope that you find something interesting or helpful to you.

*Gem* WHY I AM REVIEWING THIS:This is for week 21 of "I Write in 2024" Open in new Window..

*GemG* TITLE: The title works perfectly.

*GemO* HOOK: Your hook comes in the form of Vincent's father's disapproving dismissal of his artistic ability. Honestly, I would lead with that, then go back to the information that came before it in this version. You want to hook your reader immediately and get their sympathy and interest to keep them reading.

*GemP* SETTING: You did a good job with the setting.

*GemT* CONFLICT/STORYLINE: Vincent is trying to make it as an artist, but his father doesn't approve and wants to cut off his source of income. E

*GemV* CHARACTERS: Are there people who have the luxury to pursue art without worrying about making a living? I suppose there are. Most people would need to do their art when they aren't earning a living, lol I guess I can't blame someone who has financial support while pursuing art fighting to keep that way of life.

*GemY* DIALOG: The dialog did work to move the story forward.

*Gem* POINT OF VIEW: Third-person point of view works for this story.

*Gembl* NUTS & BOLTS:

A young man and an older one stood in front of a collection of paintings. This is a bit awkward. What about this: A young man stood in front of a collection of paintings with an older man.

*Dog2* FINAL THOUGHTS: Thank you for sharing your writing.



Power Reviewers Review Sig
20
20
Review of Serial Assistant  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Greetings Damon Nomad Author Icon! I am sending you a review of your story, "Serial Assistant" Open in new Window.. I hope you find something interesting or helpful.

*Announce* WHY I AM REVIEWING THIS: I am one of the judges for the March "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window..

*Shield1* TITLE: I love your title, it is very clever.

*Shield2* HOOK: The introduction of an outside police expert with an abrasive personality right at the very beginning is a smart way to introduce a hook into the story.

*Shield3* SETTING: You let us know where the characters were at all times. I might have liked a bit more setting description to really flavor up the story, but the basics were there.

*Shield4* CONFLICT/STORYLINE: A police department brings in a detective and his assistant who have been working on cases related to the Smiley Face Killer. They are tracking down leads and working as a team with the assistant taking care of details. The identity of the current killer takes them all by surprise.

*Shield5* CHARACTERS: I love the description of Darlene as "ruthlessly efficient". It was another little clever bit.

Why do bad guys always want to explain their badness, though? It is something I have noticed from movies, TV shows, etc. I hope I never actually find out, but I wonder if that is what happens in real life.

*SHIELD10* CONTEST PROMPT: Your story definitely fit the story prompt.

*Shield6* DIALOG: Your dialog did a good job of moving the plot forward and bringing the reader into the story.

*Shield7* POINT OF VIEW: Third-person point of view works well in this story.

*Shield8* NUTS & BOLTS: I did not notice any spelling or grammatical errors. I appreciate this!

*Scroll* FINAL THOUGHTS: Thank you for entering the contest.



Power Reviewers Review Sig
21
21
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings Beholden Author Icon! I am sending you a review of your story, "Twilight of the Gods" Open in new Window.. I hope you find something interesting or helpful.

*Announce* WHY I AM REVIEWING THIS: I am one of the judges for the March "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window..

*Shield1* TITLE: Interesting title, and I believe I understand what it is referencing.

*Shield2* HOOK: I think that your hook is in the first paragraph, where it belongs, but it could be just a bit stronger. In a stoic refusal to consider the future is a bit of foreshadowing that would be an excellent hook if there was just a bit more to it.

*Shield3* SETTING: The old British aristocrats are set in their ways despite that the buildings they inhabit are no longer in good repair, and the grounds are no longer immaculate.

*Shield4* CONFLICT/STORYLINE: It is a story of changing times and a couple born of old money who are not truly aware of the changes going on around them. They are good people and treat their staff well, so the staff is loyal to them and are willing to stay with them and defend them as needed.

We don't really know how John disperses the crowd until he explains it afterward. That is fine, but you might have him start his speech as he is there, then let him summarize the rest of it afterward.

*Shield5* CHARACTERS: The old Earl is such a sweet character. I would imagine he has entered his "pleasantly demented" phase of life. His wife is hard working and keeps everything running, very hands-on. She doesn't expect the staff that she has to do things they weren't hired to do, she will do it herself. It seems a little unlikely that an elderly Duchess would be doing major weeding, but what do I know, lol

*SHIELD10* CONTEST PROMPT: The contest prompt is: Write a story where a sidekick/supporting character steals the show away from the main protagonist. If you look at that John the Groundsman taking on and dispursing the "mob" from the nearby village instead of it being handled by the Duchess, then yes, the story follows the story prompt.
*Shield6* DIALOG: The dialog does move the plot forward and help inform the reader. There is a good balance of narration and dialog.

*Shield7* POINT OF VIEW: Third-person point of view works well for this story.

*Shield8* NUTS & BOLTS: I didn't notice any spelling or grammatical errors. Excellent!

*Scroll* FINAL THOUGHTS: Thank you for entering the contest.



Power Reviewers Review Sig
22
22
Review of The Firemen  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Greetings Amethyst Snow Angel Author Icon! I am sending you a review of your story, "The Firemen" Open in new Window.. I hope you find something interesting or helpful.

*Announce* WHY I AM REVIEWING THIS: I am one of the judges of the March 2024 "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window..

*Shield1* TITLE: The title is appropriate to the story about a band by the same name. I also liked your cover image.

*Shield2* HOOK: I couldn't identify a hook in the story. The conflicts start pretty close to the start, so I suppose that is what would have to work as a hook.

*Shield3* SETTING: You do a good job letting us know where the characters are in each scene.

*Shield4* CONFLICT/STORYLINE: Whenever you hear about the early days of a big band, you hear about the disagreements and fights among the members, so the story tracks in that regard. My concern was with the change of lead singer it sounded like the band would now be playing Ryan's music at this very important gig without every practicing it. Or, was Ryan just singing Dan's songs that the band had been practicing? It would be good to clear this detail up because it feels like a big plot hole.

*Shield5* CHARACTERS: The guys seem like pretty typical young guys, although the lead singer is a bit of an over-the-top control freak/egomaniac. I suppose a little of that is necessary to be a front guy of a band, but it doesn't seem like there is much more to this kid.

*SHIELD10* CONTEST PROMPT: The story does follow the contest prompt.

*Shield6* DIALOG: The dialog works to move the plot along.

*Shield7* POINT OF VIEW: You used first-person point of view, but you changed who's point of view it was between a couple of characters. This is called head-hopping. It may seem like a nifty writing tool, but it is rough on your reader, having to constantly keep track of who "I" is at any particular time.

*Shield8* NUTS & BOLTS: Just a couple of tiny things I noticed!

His foot pumped the Kick pedal, Kick should not be capitalized.

or I swear I'm pitching all your equipment in the nearest Dumpster. Dumpster should not be capitalized because it is an eponym.

*Scroll* FINAL THOUGHTS: Thank you for entering the contest.



Sparkling GG Chi sig
23
23
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings Wordsmith John Author Icon! I am sending you a review of your story, "Emilia and Sepet - the story continues" Open in new Window.. I hope you find something interesting or helpful.

*Announce* WHY I AM REVIEWING THIS: I am one of the judges of the March 2024 "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window..

*Shield1* TITLE: Is there another story with Emilia and Sepet? Is it also entitled Emilia and Sepet? I just wondered why "the story continues" is actually part of the title.

*Shield2* HOOK: The hook of a short story needs to be in the first paragraph. Better yet, in the first sentence of the first paragraph. The first paragraph of this story tells about Emilia's dissatisfaction with the wedding feast because it was too short, but I would not consider that a story hook.

*Shield3* SETTING: The couple are married and live in a castle. Maybe multiple castles. I think the setting is adequately presented in this story.

*Shield4* CONFLICT/STORYLINE: Emilia discovers Sepet plans to turn another woman into a vampire and marry her.

*Shield5* CHARACTERS:We don't really get to know the characters all that well, but we know enough to make the story work. Sepet is secretive and travels a lot. Emilia is devoted to him and becomes jealous when she discovers there is another woman.

*SHIELD10* CONTEST PROMPT: Emilia could just kill Justina, but turning her into a vampire herself steals her away from Sepet. I suppose you could say that is the secondary character stealing the show, LOL

*Shield6* DIALOG: The characters talk in a very formal manner. It suits them.

*Shield7* POINT OF VIEW: Third-person point of view works for this story.

*Shield8* NUTS & BOLTS:

Her birth is complete. Now, the actual feast may commence.


"What troubles you, beloved?"
I believe there is a gap of time between these two paragraphs. In a book, there would be a change in chapters. In a story like this, you might want to add some sort of divider to indicate that there is going to be a change. A simple line of asterisks works for this ********** but you can use anything you like.


Stops occurred at garbage cans, drain spouts, and loose clothing on the ground occurred as she followed.
This sentence needs to be reworked: Kaige stopped at garbage cans, drain spouts, and loose clothing on the ground as she followed him.

*Scroll* FINAL THOUGHTS: Thank you for entering the contest.




Sparkling GG Chi sig
24
24
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Greetings Rodryn Author Icon! I am sending you a review of your story, "Know When to Fold 'em" Open in new Window.. I hope you find something interesting or helpful.

*Announce* WHY I AM REVIEWING THIS: I am one of the judges of "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window..

*Shield1* TITLE: The title immediately brings up the classic song by Kenny Rogers. Since it is a song about card games/gambling, I would say that works for this story.

*Shield2* HOOK: The opening line of dialog is a bit of a hook. We know he thinks some situation is wrong. It could be a bit stronger, however.

*Shield3* SETTING: You do a good job of setting up the setting. I especially like the part where he has to knock and provide a password to get in.

*Shield4* CONFLICT/STORYLINE: The main character thought he would have an easy time in the poker game, but hadn't counted on the surprises that were thrown at the players.

*Shield5* CHARACTERS: The characters are pretty standard for the Western genre.

*SHIELD10* CONTEST PROMPT: Since it is the sidekick who saves the day when the main gambler gets himself in a untenable situation, I suppose it does qualify for the contest prompt.

*Shield6* DIALOG: There is plenty of old Western flavor to the dialog.

*Shield7* POINT OF VIEW: Third-person point of view works for this story.

*Shield8* NUTS & BOLTS: I didn't see any spelling or grammar errors. Good job!

*Scroll* FINAL THOUGHTS: Thank you for entering the contest.




Power Reviewers Review Sig
25
25
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Greetings PureSciFi Author Icon! I am sending you a review of your story, "The Truth About Thantia" Open in new Window.. I hope you find something interesting or helpful.

*Announce* WHY I AM REVIEWING THIS: I am one of the judges of the March 2024 "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window..

*Shield1* TITLE: The title is appropriate for the story.

*Shield2* HOOK: You do have a hook in your first paragraph. The Information Specialist is interviewing a politician and is clearly not afraid of asking the tough questions.

*Shield3* SETTING: It is clear from the beginning that this is sci fi, but where they are isn't clear. They are follow a politician on a campaign tour.

*Shield4* CONFLICT/STORYLINE: The main character is working to find out more information on a political candidate that she feels is doing illegal things and isn't fit to be a leader.

*Shield5* CHARACTERS: The main character is a strong, independent and determined woman. She doesn't think she needs help on her "mission", but when the help is forced on her in the form of a robot, she finds it very useful.

*shield12* CONTEST PROMPT: This round's story prompt: Write a story where a sidekick/supporting character steals the show away from the main protagonist. I am not clear if this story follows the contest prompt. It could be argued that Vancent steals the show.

*Shield6* DIALOG: Your dialog does work to inform and move the plot forward.

*Shield7* POINT OF VIEW: Third-person point of view works for this story.

*Shield8* NUTS & BOLTS:
A covering over an Air Passage fell to the level below it. I kept thinking something was going to happen because of this cover falling off, but I don't think anything ever does. If it isn't going to be referred to again in the story, I advise to delete this paragraph.

*Scroll* FINAL THOUGHTS: Thank you for entering the contest.




Power Reviewers Review Sig
207 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 9 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/geminigem