You have a good start here for a story line. In this review, I have broken it into two sections, one being the grammatical side of things and the other dealing with the story itself, character development, etc. In each place that you have skipped a line, I have regarded as the beginning of a new paragraph so for ease in directing you to the place I am looking, I will reference a paragraph number for each critique. The paragraphs are numbered 1 - 81.
Grammar, punctuation and word usage:
In paragraph 4, 3rd sentence: It should read "He seemed >>to<< have more angles and lines than a man should.
In paragraphs 1-3: you have used the word "harvest" or "harvested" three times and should probably consider choosing another word in place of two of them.
In paragraph 8, 3rd Sentence: you called Tiam "Goodsun." I understand that when Cleman was speaking he called Tiam "Goodsun", but between the reader and the main character, we have been referring to him as Tiam. I think it would read much better here to change Goodsun to Tiam.
In paragraph 36, include quotations around the thought.
In paragraph 46, there should be a "?" after "Why" instead of an "!."
In paragraph 53, people rarely say "He is" but more likely say "He's", I would consider changing to "He's."
In paragraph 56, change "said" to "asked" or "inquired."
Story line critique:
1. I do not really feel like we know Tiam, the main character of the story. Consider developing his character much more.
2. I would also develop the characters of the Captain, soldiers, and Cleman as well. If you only choose one of these, at least the Captain. The soldiers seem way to generic to me. Maybe tell a little back story of what these soldiers are capable of so that it is all the more impressive when the Lowlings take them out. You could have some real fun with the character of the Captain. About the Captain himself, we do not even know his name and he is the nemesis of the story. Consider causing the reader to sympathize with the Capitan at some point in the story. Why is he doing this? Is he just pure evil? Most people are not. Consider playing with this and have us not sure what side to be on for a while before the curtain is thrown back at some point revealing Tiam as the good guy in the story.
3. consider revising paragraph 46 and 47. "Your men do not help you!" screamed the Captain, "Why!" might be much better as :
Captain Marshall squared off with Tiam at this time, eyes blazing with hatred burning inside his aged war face. This all, a defense measure in itself, concealed complete confusion as to how these Lowlings were able to outsmart the system and his officers. What was before completely inconceivable was now evident by the fact that they were standing before him in this moment. While confused about other matters, one thing Marshall knew with all of the certainty of his entire being. That one thing was all that mattered in this moment, which was mortal combat with Tiam. All other Lowlings stepped back into their surroundings and seemed to blend in with the panels, buttons and lights of the command deck. They formed a circle around the two and the rugged Captain knew at that moment that this was personal.
4. "The Genesis" is way way too close to "Project Genesis" from Star Trek. You will sincerely want to look this up and at the very least change the name.
5. The end of the story needs work. Cleman suddenly showing up out of nowhere is not surprising at all and does not throw the reader for a loop. If you must use Cleman in this way, consider developing his character much more earlier on causing the reader to fall in love with him, then let him die in order to defeat the Captain. Brainstorm about this and I am certain that you can come up with a much greater ending.
Conclusion:
You have the beginnings of a rough draft here. Keep working at it! Feel free to email me if you would like more help.
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