Great start and pretty good description, which is usually my problem with poetry on this site. The pentameter is a little sporatic and crazy, though, slowing down the flow for the reader. I also thought the sentiment was a bit overdone and wished you had taken a different bent, givng us something to ponder.
Josh awoke with a groan to the incessant clanging of the alarm clock penetrating his consciousness. Slapping the back of the shrilly irritating The double adjective is distracting here. clock he struggled to regain the dream that was so
“Jeeze mom, you ought to get a job as a drill instructor!” This seems a bit out of place with the situation. I see him grumbling a bit more, but that's just my opinion.
Plus, with his mom working nights and the odd double shift at the hospital,
His blonde hair had the Once again, the double adjectives... slightly tousled style most of his fellow teens worked so hard to perfect but seemed to
Josh glanced down at his still semi-erect penis, taking time to admire the look of it. The more he looked and admired the harder it became, he was sure that it had grown since the last time he had measured it.Sooo, men really do this! Fascinating.
After making the introductions, the two mothers went to the kitchen for a cup of coffee leaving the two boys to size each other up.
“Joshie could take care of her If the mother is saying this, it should be in her voice, hence, Joshie can take care of me, and besides, etc... and besides she worked long hours at the hospital, she didn’t have time for men!”
Josh and Mark Newton had met on? Josh’s first day of Little League practice,this phrase reads hard here. Had to reread.
Josh smiled “you seemed to have a pretty good curve going there by the end of practice. I think yeah, we should do pretty well, the whole team looked pretty good, I thought.”
maybe I can work with you a little on your grounders,I think this needs to be a separate sentence. you need it.”
Haunting and wonderful. I couldn't stop reading to comment after the last one. I've been trying to read this peice for months, now, but every time I start, things tear me away. I'm glad I made it through. This peice is brilliant. Thank you.
Why had she done it? What made her accept the teaching contract and move to the moon? She was young, impetuous and some what adventurous, plus the money was good. All she could do now was pray to God to save her and all who were on the shuttle. Great beginning, but I'm just a little unsure of the intensity. At first, it seems like she's annoyed by her choice, then suddenly...Peril! Just my opinion
The sun, giver of life back on Earth, was deadly away from the greenhouse gasses and the atmospheric shield they created. This read a bit to scientific for me. Is there a different way to explain this, perhaps her imagining what the gasses would do, therefore bringing in the senses?
“Please reboot. Please reboot,” she whispered over and over in the still darkness that surrounded her. It was getting harder to breathe. The pilot had warned that the oxygen flowing to the individual travel pods would be cut off. No computer, no power, no air to breath.
“Just breathe slowly and the power should be back on before any damage can be done.” It sounded like the pilot was trying to convince himself that no harm would come to them more than he was passing on useful information to the 50 other people on board. Love, love, love these two paragraphs. Now, I'm starting to feel the frantic situation.
“I want to set up a foundation called ‘The Scoffing Sun’I'd remove from... Its purpose is...to here. to help disadvantaged youth who are on their own perilous course.”
Neat story. I really like the last sentence and the implications it makes. It is in no way shape or form cliche, in fact, with just the few mentions made above, I thought the story was thought provoking. Great Job.
–Charles Dickens and Walter Scott mostly. He had found the Complete Works of William Shakespeare hard to understand.Nice
I like it and the cadence is nice, but the ending was abrupt and left me feeling sooo robbed. You built up amazing characters but it went nowhere. Can you expand, maybe show them sneaking away to the boat? Something...anything...I want more.
Until here, it wasn't made clear who'd gotten the divorce
You lost me once she started telling about the date. Have you ever heard a five year old say...And then we went to the park and then I slid down the slide, and then I went on the swings and then.
That's what this story started to feel like and I lost patience. Sorry.
“If you don’t get into heaven, you go to hell, right?” Josie asked, her innocent question laced with the fear of a confused child.
Mark didn’t hear her; his attention was focused on the border-guard inspecting the car in front of his. For a moment, I thought you were talking about Mark.
“Once we get past those buildings we should find a hospital.” He wiped his forehead with his palm and it came away dripping with his sweat, and a wide circle of moisture had spread out on the front of his shirt, like a bib of perspiration.Excellent image
Okay, technically, I stopped reviewing here, though I went back later and reread it for problems. This story had my heart pounding. Wow! Most published stories don't grab me like this.
I thought your story was fabulous, a glimpse into the thoughts of a character at one moment. The true definition of flash fiction.
The only problem I had was the single tear falling. It's a bit of a cliche and I think, reading the rest of your work, that you can do far better. What other ways do people, particularly men, show sadness or frustration?
Excellent work!
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