Let's start from the beginning. The story itself is not unique but then so few really are. A wild child who fell in love with a stranger and married. He died in the war, she's inconsolable. I assume this is a prelude to the story you're writing so it's perfectly fine but if this is the story, it's been there, done that.
Let's start with the actual critique. The descriptive is good but let's go to what's wrong (in my opinion).
finished the look..how about completed the look? Finished infers a race, completed implies that time did not matter but the conclusion of the act was the goal.
Having worn make-up for so many years she hardly had to think about applying it....sounds like she had to think about it for an hour.
and with the lightest use of lip gloss her full lips looked smooth and colorful...only a touch of lip gloss accentuated her full lips.
this had been the exact way she had worn both; one year ago to date...Her reflection reminded her of the day they had first met (no need to be exact in writing, be more poetic, let your words inform the reader and let the reader figure it out.
Thinking about him threw her mind from that shabby little bathroom to the hazily remembered morning at that run down diner by the bay..Threw her mind is not properly worded. How about: His memory whisked her from the shabby little bathroom to the morning they met at the dingy diner at the bay.
Jenelle had ordered a cheese omelet but could not bring herself to do more than stare sickenly at it...sickeningly is the correct spelling.
Starting with the conversation between Wyatt and Jenelle..the conversation is waaay to stilted. Example, “My name is Wyatt. I’m sorry that I was staring and I’m terribly humiliated that you caught me.” Terribly humiliated? What marine would talk like that? And anyone that is terribly humiliated (which he clearly wasn't) wouldn't address the situation. You need to redraft that entire conversation and make it real.
Conclusion: I am a writer as well. I understand how critiques can sting. I know how those critiquing can sometimes ignore the beauty of your words and focus instead on the mistakes (in their judgment). So please don't take offense, some of the descriptives were compelling and keep writing. I wish you the best.
Craig
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/gambler0102
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.06 seconds at 8:07pm on Dec 26, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
