I enjoyed your prologue. I used the word "enjoy" intentionally because I found the writing light and airy, fun and engaging.
In addition, one of my passions is the education of young adults from underprivileged areas, who lack mentors. Your inspirational theme, therefore, speaks to me, so much that I will continue on to other scenes.
The choice of a seagull is interesting. The only reason I say that is that I am from Cleveland and in my teenage years was a lifeguard on the shore of Lake Erie. We referred to Seagulls as "flying rats". They were pests.
Thank you sharing. I enjoyed reviewing your work. I can tell a lot of thought went into this. I really like the concept and the emotional interaction between your characters. I am a Star Trek and Star Wars fan. The futuristic aspect of the story is great!
I have a lot of feedback. Please know that it is all simply my personal opinion and is meant to be constructive, not critical. My goal is to give you “food for thought.” So if you disagree with my feedback, that is perfectly understandable, because at the end of the day, it is your work and my opinion is just that, one person’s opinion.
Thanks again for sharing...
— Story
Very creative!!! Nice story about two people in love dealing with the separation.
One of the most important things I look for in a story is realism. Even if it is science fiction and “way out there,” it has to be believable and realistic or the reader will stop reading.
Is he really going to go on a picnic the day before he leaves to Mars. Drink wine? I would think they would have planned to be together the day he was leaving? Maybe they had a beautiful dinner the night before? Is she really going to wait 12 years??
They want to check the fitting of his suit the day before he leaves? That would have been worked out well ahead of time.
I like the happy ending… and the fact that she is going to meet him there some day.
— Characters
You start with “She was standing by the open…” — why not start with her name — Bee. Bee also reminds me of the “Aunt Bee,” the grandmother in on the Andy Griffin series.
It would be great to know more about their physical features.
They are married? I would have thought they were a couple but would he leave her behind if they were married?
My main comment in this review —-> Stephen King’s may point in his book “On Writing” is to keep it simple. Simplify your sentences.
Your sentence structure is very good. You are using active sentence structures. But I would recommend you remove words that do not add value to the story, description, characters etc.
For example, “to close as much of the distance between our heights as she could.” There is a more succinct way to accomplish the same result.
Her face blurred in my vision — why did it blur? Restructure that…
Not sure what you mean by “throwing her profile into start relief as she…”
What is a “designated plus-one?”
Change into a “positive” and possibly use a metaphor or something to illustrate what she means to Trevor. Honeybee is cute (by the way, I think it should be capitalized because it is a proper noun for Bee…) but there is probably something that better denotes “beauty.” What about using something related to space? – “Bee had never looked so beautiful.”
“She just had so much to loose.” – too many extraneous words and is “lose” the right word? She’d have to give up so much…
“…that infection on Maggie’s leg” – “Maggie’s infected leg”
“She shoved the garbage can shut its more force than its self propelled hinges…” Simplify. “Slammed the lid shut”
— Setting
Not sure where they are until later in the story. We learn they are at her farm/ranch, but where? Also, what year? Obviously in the future…
I really like how you introduced the cats and horses. It adds personality to your characters and the setting.
— Other
Not crazy about the concept of describing Trevor eating the”silky white” hard boiled egg. It may be a personal thing, but the description of eating an egg is not comfortable for me (kinda gross…). Maybe she can eat the egg and he has orange juice…
Then you mention he is “still chewing…”. Too much about eating and the egg…
You have an entire paragraph+ dedicated to an “egg” and eating. You may be better off using that word count to describe Bee, or have Trevor describe Bee as he watches her make breakfast. He is leaving and may never see her again. He would likely watch her, how her hair flows, her body shape, her skin tone, etc. Visuals that he can take with him into space
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