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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/gacela
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4 Public Reviews Given
4 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Mariana Reuter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Interesting start, top say the least. Full of foreshadowing, enough to hook any reader. Well done!

My comments are mainly around the backstory because it ought to be bullet-proof otherwise your readers will feel that you've cheated and could, potentially, drop the story.

1. These robots were keeping a beast fettered in an underground facility. It seems they ignored their fetters weren't strong enough to hold the beast or they were plainly stupid. This seems like an obvious precaution. You don't restrain anybody, beast or human being, without making sure first the chains hold it/him/her. That's Restraining Science 101. You need to come with a good explanation on the reason why they hold a best with chains that weren't good enough.

2. My second comment is about keeping the beast at all. You will also need to come with an excellent explanation why they hadn't kill it if it was so dangerous.

3. They seem to be state of the art machines, capable of turning their legs into jets and other delicacies. Whoever designed them had access to very high tech. Good enough. Then, please tell me why on Earth didn't they had lasers or nukes, or something aiming at the best to blast it the minute it would wake up and why were they relying on an alarm that needed to be pulled down by hand rather than on automatic sensors.

4. Now please tell why they were keeping such a beast, not underground, that's okay, but right under a populated city, under a Macy*s store. Seems quite dangerous, doesn't it? I would have expected that these high-tech robots had selected a least dangerous location to keep that beast, maybe under a desert or under the seabed. Pick your favourite. The problem is you've created high-tech entities who are not taking advantage of their own high tech, and who seem to be quite naïve, which is not believable. Unless you come with a very good explanation--that's why I'm pointing at all these elements.

5. It also seems Chris took too much to pull the alarm and that makes no sense. I know the other robot told him the beast could get upset, but Chris should have known it would have made no difference and that pulling the alarm was paramount for safety reasons, starting with Chris's own. It's too evident his delay is for the sake of creating suspense rather than because Chris had an actual reason. The problem with these kind of resources is the reader is able to see through them, affecting the quality of the writing, which is perceived as bad-writing. Every action must be justified within the universe you're creating, and Chris's delay is not.

My last problem is with your point of view. It's not bad to head-hop, as you did, narrating the story from the POV of the character better suited to so do, but it takes away good chances to get into each character, allowing the reader to bond with each of them. Rose, maybe, because you presented her feelings and her angst witnessing her father getting fried, but even that was kind of... robotic. I'm not rooting for anybody in this story, not even for Rose, at least not yet. Maybe later, but this first chapter has enough punch for me to root for anybody.

I'm not saying it's a bad story. The pace is fast, the inciting event is quite clear, and I don't know why was picturing Osamu Tezuka's Astroboy when Rose was flying and, moreover, when she shoot.

Good start, but make sure your backstory is bullet-proof.

Kiss,
Gacela
2
2
Review by Mariana Reuter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
The plot is commendable, and the action is fast-paced, transitioning from an arrest to a mutation in a single night—impressive!

Now, I have a few questions for you: What motivates you to write stories? My review will largely depend on your objectives as a writer.

There are writers who produce numerous stories and publish them on platforms like Wattpad, often focusing on fan-fiction. Many of these works lack quality and coherence. These writers prioritize imagination over structure, publishing their ideas regardless of whether they make sense. They often disregard spelling, grammar, and flow, writing purely for the joy of sharing their imagination. That’s perfectly fine for them.

However, other writers, like myself, aim to have their works published. Consequently, they strive to create content that is not only engaging but also readable. Their material must adhere to certain standards; otherwise, no publisher will be interested. Even for self-published works, few readers will purchase them unless they meet specific criteria—whether the writer agrees with these rules and standards or not.

I’ll assume you belong to the latter category.

A proficient writer never writes an entire paragraph in all caps, nor even a single line (e.g., “WHAT THE HELL?!”). Additionally, a good writer avoids using a question mark followed by an exclamation mark. While you may intend to convey shouting, there’s no need for such special effects. Italics are acceptable for emphasis, but that’s the limit. Avoid bold characters, all caps, and underlining to draw the reader’s attention. Good writing relies on words, not on visual gimmicks.
Although using inclusive language and “they” pronouns is currently fashionable when addressing or referring to non-binary individuals, this approach can be problematic in literature. When I read “They didn’t respond…”, I initially thought “they” referred to multiple people, which was confusing since you mentioned only one individual. Each time I encountered “they”, “them”, or “their”, I had to mentally adjust to picture a single person. While this may be the correct way to refer to non-binary individuals, it can distract the reader from your story. To maintain the reader’s focus, it’s crucial to avoid such distractions. My advice? Choose whether the character is a “he” or a “she” and use the corresponding pronouns. If you’re still reluctant, demonstrate your creativity and talent by finding a way to refer to the non-binary character without using pronouns.
Kiss
Gacela
3
3
Review by Mariana Reuter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Interesting opening, leaving the reader (at least me) with a lot of question. First of all, what the devil is an asteria? It's not clear to say the least. A sort of mutant, maybe, but that's all I can figure out of your text and probably I'm wrong. Well done on that part. If what you wanted was to pique the reader's curiosity, that's exactly what you did. If you add the post-apocalyptic atmosphere, you created en excelent breeding ground for a great story. Good job!

One issue, at least for me, was the way you segregated the paragraphs. I would recommend you to keep them together because, otherwise, it's difficult to follow and read. Maybe you wrote it that way--difficult to follow and read--and I'm thinking now of how complicated it is to read A Clockwork Orange but, if not, then it's better if you rearrange those paragraphs. For example, from "I hadn't meant to hurt..." to "... not unheard of." I'd say it's a single paragraph. From "My steps were..." to "... cooled my lungs", it's another whole paragraph. Keep them together, it makes the reader's life easier.

Other than that, I fancy it's a strong start. Keep on!

Kiss,
Gacela
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