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1
1
Review of Damaged  Open in new Window.
Review by Lucas Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is just great. I loved it, and I'd love to see more if more happens to come.

Probably one of the biggest things I enjoyed about this story was the characters - you've written some exceptionally believable characters with very natural-feeling dialog, and I think that was a big contributor for why I got sucked into the story. I've always said that one of the most important parts of a story is having characters in it that the reader can truly care about, and I think you've done an admirable job doing just that. Kudos to you.

I'm honestly struggling to find some suggestions for improvement, because this honestly was an incredibly enjoyable start to a story. I suppose if I had to find something, it would probably be the description - or, rather, the lack thereof; a quick skim through the story showed that I was correct in my recollection that the vast majority of the story was dialog. That's not bad, but it does make it difficult, I found, to get a clear mental picture of what's going on around the characters in the story. Just a bit of description of, say, the car in which Julia and James were driving, or of what was going on around them, would, I think, help to make the impact of the story even stronger on the reader, as then they could truly feel involved in and able to see what was going on.

That's a pretty minor nitpick, though, as even without that I loved the story. Great stuff!
2
2
Review by Lucas Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is great! I loved this story from start to finish. Great job.

Probably one of my favorite things about this story, which is what really sucked me in and made me want to keep reading, was the absolutely great way in which the story was told with a nearly perfect country-boy accent - it really made me believe that I was being told a story by a seventeen-year-old small-town kid. Major kudos, as well, for how consistent the accent was throughout - there were only a few very sparse places where I thought something should have been abbreviated that wasn't, and even then that's probably just a matter of subjectivity.

I also greatly liked the way in which the story was left entirely open-ended at the end - the obvious lingering question in the reader's mind was whether there really was this Uriah Johnson who was out killing people, or whether Junior had just gone plain insane. I was glad that that was never resolved, because I think it adds a lot to the story and its enjoyability.

If I had to name one thing that I would probably list as a suggestion for improvement, though, it would probably be the overall level of excitement in the story - or, rather, the lack thereof. In reading it over again, I realized that it was actually a pretty darn simple story - Junior meets Uriah, Junior does stuff with Uriah, people turn up dead, Junior is arrested, end of story. I felt that the story kind of ended abruptly, and I felt that more might have been done between Junior and Uriah - and that what they did do might have been described in more detail - to really solidify what they were up to there - and to add more fuel to the fire of whether Junior was insane, too.

That's a minor nitpick, though, and it didn't really affect that much my overall enjoyment of this story. Awesome job!
3
3
Review by Lucas Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Another excellent chapter in a great story! :) Good job once again.

The funny part about this chapter is that it was basically nothing more than one long conversation - nothing really notable happened in it other than Cait meeting Ceri - but it was still enjoyable to read and seemed like a good chapter nonetheless. Any extended conversation that can be turned into an enjoyable chapter unto itself has to be interesting and well-written. And indeed it was.

I always like how expressive your characters are, and this chapter is an excellent display of that. Little things like "His eyebrows shot up" and "He looked back up and winked at me" go a long way towards allowing the reader to form a good mental picture of what's going on and to truly appreciate the interactions between the characters. So keep that up.

If I may offer one little suggestion relating to the actual flow of the chapter, it would come with regards to the stuff at the very beginning, where the people appear who Cait tries to fight. It sort of seemed disconnected and out of place with regards to the rest of the story. I'm sure that at a later time it will probably be explained, but as it is no real mention of it is made once it's over, which simply leaves the reader scratching his or her head wondering what it was about. It might be better to include at least a mention of it and have a character wonder what it was about, or something like that. Just a thought.

One other thing in that section that I sort of found hard to read (and this is just syntactical) was this:

"All of a sudden, shouts rose from the wood near me"

In a novel, when the reader sees a comma and then a word like "shouts", he or she will generally assume that this denotes someone talking (e.g., "'Hey!', shouts Bob."). It took me a moment to realize that here "shouts" was actually a noun and not a verb. It might be better to change "shouts" to the singular "a shout" in order to alleviate this.

Beyond that, I can't think of much more to add. You've gotten much better in terms of grammar and syntax; I can't really find anything else in this realm to critique at all! :)

Good work, as always. Looking forward to more!
4
4
Review by Lucas Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Well, I finally got down to it and read your latest chapter. :) Great stuff, as always!

I must say that I'm definitely enjoying the well-pronounced dynamic between Maelwys and Cait. The two have conflicting enough personalities that any exchange between them is always entertaining. They make a very cute couple, even if the rest of the guys are determined to give her heck about it. :)

I could tell that this chapter was very well-described when I considered its contents after having finished it, because it dawned on me when I did that not a whole lot actually happened in most of the chapter. Besides a few things here and there such as Cait's actually going to Seiont and such, it was mostly an passive chapter, filled mostly with dialog and observation. This is not to say that that's a bad thing; rather, the fact that I didn't find it boring or tedious at all tells me that it was written very well. I enjoyed reading it.

As usual, the quibbles I might have had with it are minor at most, but I might as well list them here for the sake of completeness.

The first, and largest, is centered around the medical soundness of Alec's condition as described by Dafyd. It may well be the case that the source of his fever is explained later, and if so you can ignore this entire comment, but I figured I might as well make it in case that isn't so. In brief, a high fever, defined as a fever above 104°F, is basically never, ever caused by something other than a serious infection. Fevers can be caused through tissue destruction due to a very large injury, but such fevers typically would be a low-to-medium fever (~100-101°F or so), not a high fever.

Of course, Alector might very well have something else wrong with him, in which case all of the above is a moot point. And Dafyd might not exactly be using the medical definition of a high fever, which is obviously another possibility. I can't imagine it'd be that easy to accurately measure temperature with what they'd have available.

The second I can think of relates to Cait meeting Ceridwen at the end of the chapter. I must sheepishly admit that I had actually forgotten by the end of the chapter who Ceridwen was. It might help the reader along to recognize the significance of Cait meeting Ceridwen by just inserting some small little thing reminding the reader who she is and why she's important.

The only other comments I had were relating to typos or slight errors. I'll try to reproduce as many as I can find below.

The first is a simple reminder about something I believe I said before, which I won't belabor, as such. That's the fact that it's generally a good idea to start a new paragraph with every piece of dialog from a new speaker. The main reason to do this is that, when dialog begins in the middle of a paragraph, people generally expect it to be a continuation of dialog by someone who had already been talking, and confusion can be inserted as a result if this is not the case.

The second relates to quoted segments within dialog. I'll use this as an example, though I saw it in more than one location:

“Well, who would have immediately thought, “Oh, Caitriona and Maelwys must have been married while they were away”? Probably no one. I think we ought to tell the rest of them before they all jump to conclusions.”

It's generally considered standard English to use only single quotes to denote a quotation within a quotation, for the obvious reason that it doesn't introduce the confusion that the above segment contains. When someone sees one double quote and then another, they naturally expect the dialog to be over, and will probably become confused in reading further.

I should also note that I saw quite a few cases where this was done:

“Cait!” A voice cried suddenly.

By "this" I mean the capitalization of the first letter after dialog ending in an exclamation point or a question mark. The problem comes from the fact that it's not the beginning of a new sentence, so the letter should not be capitalized.

“Some may wish to stay,” I mused. “After establishing homes. And I think Bran will take some to Rheged- if their king agrees, and I think he will. Maelwys and Bran are very good friends.”

Llew nodded. “I had noticed that. Is he the king’s son?”

“No, he is the cousin of the three princes, the age of the oldest.”

“Then he has influence. Good. I would like to see them established somewhere again, Cait. Just until you can safely recover our land.”

I smiled wistfully. “As would I. Now, I had better make some breakfast before the other two wake up. Aneirin will not even open his eyes until there is food, and even then, he will probably not eat it until we are on the road.”

Llew nodded, chuckling. “I like your brother. He reminds me alot of your father.”

I frowned. “We do not have the same father. How could he?”

Perhaps it's just me, but I found it actually quite difficult to immediately determine who is saying what in the above passage. I think it could benefit from inserting a few "...said X" bits, just to ease the reader along in figuring out exactly who's saying each segment.

“I like your brother. He reminds me alot of your father.”

This is a very common misspelling, but "a lot" is actually two words, not one.

...and I think that's about all I can find. Another excellent chapter, I must say. I eagerly await the eighth! :)
5
5
Review by Lucas Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Apologies for being horrifically late in reviewing this, but better late than never, I suppose. :)

First off, let me say that this must have been quite the improvement over the original version of chapter 6, because I can't even remember entirely how the original went! I do remember that Conor was killed, though, and I think that this new version of what happens is much, much better. I liked this chapter a lot. It was written very well.

One of the first things that comes to mind when thinking about what I liked was the explanation you gave for why Conor did what he did. I noted that the first part of Cait's encounter with Conor was taken directly from the last incarnation of this chapter, and it seemed to fit very well. So well done on that point.

I liked how Cait's mixed thoughts about Conor were expressed, as well, which were summed up nicely in her request that Bran "be kinder to him than he deserves" (as if to say that she feels that he was both deserving of mercy and yet also deserving of scorn, or that she is not sure which she feels). That bit seemed very realistic, in that she is unsure of how to reconcile the man she used to know and the man she met who tried to take her away.

One suggestion for improvement I might add comes from this line, which I believe was present in the previous incarnation of this chapter:

“You will come with me, Cait, but you lost the chance to come without a fight.”

If Conor really was simply putting up a ruse to get Cait to come along, this statement seems a little out of character. A person who was trying to feign feeling a certain way to achieve some goal, and who did not actually feel that way, would typically only be willing to carry the act for so long. I think that the statement above crosses the line in that it sounds like something that comes from someone who is being sincere. It doesn't sound like something a person would simply state emptily to continue the act along, especially since it's not really necessary for the people he's trying to fool to believe him.

I think that's the largest suggestion I'd have for improvement; the rest are simply minor technical issues, and are as follows:

“Some kind of kiss, alright,” I replied tacitly.

I'm a little confused by your use of the word "tacitly" here. The term "tacit" means "understood without being expressed openly", as in, "He gave tacit approval through not expressing any disapproval of the plan." I sort of get the sense of what you mean (something along the lines of "I implied something else in my statement that was not stated openly"), but I don't think that "tacitly" is the right word there. Perhaps you could write it like this:

“Some kind of kiss, alright,” I replied, not needing to explain what I meant by that.

I hope you get what I mean.

----

The Rhegeddi and Derweddi warriors were good friends- for in even thought they do not all live in Caer Derwedd, in fact they are all men of Derwedd the region, and all answer to Maelwys ultimately- and they had no trouble celebrating after the food and ale had run out.

You may recall what I said before about using dashes to express asides, and I'm afraid that I'm going to have to bring it up again, as you've done it here. :) I think this would be better split into two sentences, like this:

The Rhegeddi and Derweddi warriors were good friends, and they had no trouble celebrating after the food and ale had run out. Even though they do not all live in Caer Derwedd, they are, in fact, all men of Derwedd the region, and all answer to Maelwys ultimately.

Also, I think that the phrase "in even thought" is likely a typo that should read "even though".

----

I think that just about covers everything. Another great chapter in this excellent story. Keep going! :)
6
6
Review by Lucas Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Before I begin the review, let me apologize again for not reviewing your stuff earlier. :) Time to catch up, starting with chapter 2. So, without further ado...

Overall, it was a good chapter. I enjoyed it a lot.

The thing that strikes me the most about your writing, as I've already said, is the way you write dialog, and that hasn't changed at all in this chapter. It's very freeform and easy to read; as I read it I can very easily imagine real people saying the words. Keep that up; nothing needs to be changed there at all.

Another thing I really like about the story is the characters. Something that is of the utmost importance when designing good characters for a story is contrast: the characters have to be different enough that they create interesting scenes when they come together and interact. Your story has that in spades, making for very interesting reading that is humorous in all the right places.

One piece of improvement that I could suggest, though, concerns the speed with which you give out information in the story. Generally, one of the most important things for a writer to do is to give ample reason for the reader to keep reading. After two stories, the reader has essentially learned no background whatsoever: he or she has no idea what Len is looking for, what led him to his village, who gave him the tip, or anything of that sort. The story sort of seems like a slightly unconnected series of events at this point whose overall goal is not really very well-defined. This doesn't really work well in informing the reader why he or she should keep reading the story.

I also could suggest perhaps increasing the amount of description given within the story, as well. A little is given when the mage comes into the scene, but little else. I find that the best way to do description is to just ask yourself little questions about the surroundings while writing the story: questions like "what does this look like?", "what exactly is happening when this is going on?", and other such questions. In this case, the questions could be, say, "What does Khaea look like?", or "what does the mage's face look like?", or "what does the cottage look like?", etc. On their own, they may seem trivial, but little things like that can often have a tendency to pile up and make very interesting reading.

I couldn't find a single grammatical or spelling error, so well done on that front.

I'll close the review by reiterating that it's a very well-written story the I enjoyed reading. Don't let the size of the "suggestions" section daunt you; the list of things you did right here is much longer than the list of things that could be improved. I'll be sure to read the rest very soon, as I like this story a lot.
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Review by Lucas Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Good chapter. Very interesting developments indeed, and as seen by someone whose perspective we hadn't had before. I liked it.

First off is the romance between Cait and Maelwys (even if Cait tries to be unwilling). It's kind of funny, because in a way I knew that it was coming, but it still caught me off guard when it appeared. Its progression seemed very believable and as if something that should have been the case. If you're curious what I mean by that, it's that, whenever I'm unsure of whether or not something fits, I always just ask myself this: if all of these characters were real, and if these circumstances had happened before, would this actually happen? In this case, the answer is "yes, it seems like a good possibility".

The appearance of Anwyn was also quite interesting and fit well. The group's capture was a good change; they can't always just slaughter every bad guy who shows his face. ;) It makes them seem human and fallable, which goes a long way to create good characters that the reader will like once he or she gets to know them. So that's good.

Also, the part where Cait and Maelwys get married, and the stuff that happens between the two afterwards, was a very cute and endearing scene. It was written very well.

Unfortunately, all reviews come with suggestions for improvement, and this one is no different. The largest thing that comes to mind immediately is Maelwys' leaving his atheism behind. While it was not entirely unbelievable, it is nonetheless a fact that one's religious beliefs are generally fundamentally rooted in one's psyche for one reason or another. It's very rare for a person to convert overnight from one religion to another (or into religion from no religion), and if someone does, that person would have to have a very good reason to change his or her mind.

I suppose the thing that I think could be most improved is the explanation of why exactly it happened. I've known atheists who are quite sure of their beliefs, and they're not exactly quick to credit God with good fortune that comes their way, just as those with a strong belief in God are not quick to discount God's influence over such matters. It just seemed to me to be slightly unbelievable, the idea that a staunch atheist would suddenly become a believer in such a short time with a relatively small amount of exposure to events that could potentially be credited to God.

Beyond that, however, I have no complaints with the fundamental content of the story. The remainder that I have are technical improvements that I can suggest. So, without further ado...

Maelwys howled mercilessly and said when she came up dripping, “Now you know how I feel.”

When reading this sentence, I completely glossed over the word "said" and then had trouble determining exactly who was saying the dialog quoted. I have a feeling that I would not be alone. I think that it could be better to start a new paragraph and explicitly state who said it, something like this:

Maelwys howled mercilessly.

“Now you know how I feel,” he said when she came up dripping.

----

Last time we ran into yuor men they were dead

Really minor typo: "your" is misspelled.

----

As I was being dragged off my horse- quite unwillingly, but I didn’t resist because it would have done me all the good of a hole in the head- I heard Cait say to Llew,

“Oh, I’m not so sure, Llew. I've known him him for sixteen years- something’s wrong.”

Remember what I said before about using dashes to create asides? You're still doing it. :) This sentence is quite hard to read as a result, as it contains too many thoughts for your average reader in one tight package. I think it could be better written something along these lines:

I was being dragged off my horse quite unwillingly, but I didn’t resist because it would have done me all the good of a hole in the head. As I involuntarily dismounted, I heard Cait speak to Llew.

“Oh, I’m not so sure, Llew. I've known him him for sixteen years- something’s wrong.”

----

Truly, Lord, you are a marvelous God, I thought. I cannot believe it.

This is kind of hard to follow right now because there's absolutely nothing being used to identify which is a thought and which is part of the narration. The standard way that I've seen is to put thoughts in italics if you don't want to use quote marks, like this:

Truly, Lord, you are a marvelous God, I thought. I cannot believe it.

----

I think that about wraps up the suggestions for improvement. Besides the first, they're all fairly minor. Regarding the first, if you can't think of a way to make it fit better, I wouldn't worry about it. It doesn't destroy the underlying story at all; it just requires the reader to suspend a little disbelief in order to go along with it. This isn't a problem in small doses when the reason for the event coming to pass is obvious, but it's not something you want to get in the habit of requiring from the reader.

All in all, it's a very well-written chapter that is certainly up to your usual standards. Keep writing and I'll keep reading, as always. Well, I suppose for now I'll keep reading even if you don't keep writing, given that I still need to read your sixth chapter. :) I'll definitely get to that later.

Great work! I always like reading your stuff. I look forward to seeing more of it.
8
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Review of Today's Holocaust  Open in new Window.
Review by Lucas Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
First off, I'll begin by saying that I'm going to review this based on the quality of the argument and on its presentation, not on whether or not I necessarily agree with the assertions contained within the article. I have my own opinions about the latter, but this is a website about writing, not about political debate, so quite frankly it would be very unprofessional of me to pay attention to whether or not I agree with the content.

First off, let me say that the presentation of the article is very good. I like the introduction. It both starts the user at the beginning and provides what I think is a good introduction to the topic at hand. It certainly is good at capturing a reader's interest and then it is held quite well through the rest of the piece.

The degree of explanation and citation is also fairly good. It always makes a piece look more professional in nature if assertions are given a basis, so good on you for doing that. I must issue a caveat here, however, regarding the quality of the sources presented. As far as I can tell, the three places where you've taken statistics and objective information from are the National Right to Life Committee, About.com, and Wikipedia. Were I a scientist, I probably would not accept these citations at face value, or at least not the first and the last. The NRLC has a vested interest in promoting a cause and Wikipedia's articles are able to be edited by basically anyone. This does not, of course, mean that the information contained therein is wrong, but it makes it more likely to be. Statistics from a more official source (such as a published book, or a peer-reviewed published article) would probably be more appropriate here. As for About.com, I'm not really that familiar with it.

The description given of abortions, while... graphic, is certainly effective at getting your point across. I'm not going to comment directly on the inferred comparison between abortion doctors and Nazis, but I will say that bringing the Nazis into anything is generally not a good idea, as it tends to detract from one's credibility because readers will likely say "oh, great, yet another Nazi comparison". I think that the description of abortions is enough to stand alone by itself without the inferred comparison mentioned above.

There is also what appears to be a complete logical contradiction between paragraphs four and five. In paragraph four, the following is stated:

The medical evidence for life beginning at conception is very strong.

Then, in paragraph five, you go on to say the following:

According to justthefacts.org, by 18 days after conception, the heart begins to beat; the eyes, lungs, and stomach start to be noticeable, the brain is developing and the foundations for the nervous system are established.

Medically speaking, a human whose heart has not beaten at all for 18 days is clinically dead. You might want to address this in the fifth paragraph, as all of the facts in your fifth paragraph (that its heart does not beat for 18 days after conception, that it emits no brainwaves for months after conception) seem to completely contradict your assertion that medical evidence is very strong for live beginning immediately at conception for anyone who knows the basics of what medical practice considers "dead" and "alive".

Anyway, finally, there's the conclusion, and I think that it's an excellent one. The last sentence is particularly good for summarizing your points and for ending on a strong note. Might consider editing the sentence "Yet the world is silent about abortion", given that your article makes it clear that this is not the case, though. :) Still, it was a great, solid ending.

In conclusion, let me reiterate that it is definitely a good, well-thought out article that certainly does make the author's point in a coherent, structured matter. I do feel that it has certain things as I explained above that could be improved and that an careful reader would probably find fault in, but for a casual reader it would make quite stimulating and interesting reading. Good job.
9
9
Review by Lucas Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Very well-told story. I liked it a lot.

The first thing I can think of to comment on is the fact that I love the character of Jeremiah. He seems extremely believable, someone who's learned to develop a thick, protective carapace equipped with thorns for anyone who attempts to get close, all because he felt that the risk was too great for him not to do so. It's sort of funny, because you can't help but dislike him as a person, and yet you also can't help but feel sad for him at the same time. Well done in your creation.

I also liked the dialogue a lot. It's all written in a very natural, freeform manner, and I like that. It makes it very easy to read and follow, and it feels as if you're hearing two real live people speaking it when reading it, which is the opposite of what you get when dialogue is written in an overly formal way, as too many writers often do.

It also contained a decent balance between dialogue and description. Some stories can too heavily rely on one of the other and can either become tedious if there's too much description or uninteresting if there's not enough. I do think that it might have been just a bit better with slightly more description and slightly less dialogue, but it's certainly not bad.

One comment I thought of that could be improved is the introduction of the character of Duane. While a little is inferred through dialog, not much is known about this character. This is, of course, minor, what with his being a minor character, but I think that it would have been a little better had a bit more background or description been given for Duane. He seemed just a bit too one-dimensional and somewhat of a filler character, someone there to pass the time, rather than to serve a meaningful purpose.

I also thought that Jeremiah's background was revealed perhaps a little too quickly. I was beginning to get intrigued regarding what his deal was, so I'm reading along, and then all of a sudden, wham, you get clobbered over the head with everything you could ever want to know about the guy. It just made it kind of more boring than I think it could have been to give out so much information so quickly. It would help the reader develop a stronger interest in the character of Jeremiah, I think, if he was presented with a suitable level of intrigue and unanswered questions. Just a suggestion.

One technical improvement I could suggest is to either use two carriage returns or an indent to identify a new paragraph. There are quite a few times in the story where a bit of dialog will begin on a new line, and I can't immediately tell whether it belongs with the previous paragraph or whether it's a new paragraph with a new speaker. It would make it easier to read if new paragraphs were more clearly identified, I think.

In conclusion, I'd just like to repeat the points of praise stated in this review, as they're the bits that are really important. This is a very excellent piece of writing that, while not absolutely perfect, is certainly close enough that its imperfections don't impair one's ability to enjoy reading it at all. I hope to see more additions to this story later! I will certainly read them if they come.

Keep writing, and I'll keep reading. You have a lot of talent, and this is a very solid piece of work.
10
10
Review of *Chained*  Open in new Window.
Review by Lucas Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I think most can relate to the content of this poem in some form or another. I certainly can, having felt the pain of being in a relationship that abruptly ended when the other person found someone that she liked more. It's a very well-written poem. My only comment would be that it seems a bit short, and, as such, that not much is said within the confines of the poem. It feels sort of cut short before enough is said.

Still, this is a minor point. It's a very good poem, and I enjoyed reading it, even if it is very sad. Keep up the good work; I know writing can certainly help me, and it looks like you're likely the same way.
11
11
Review by Lucas Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Fabulous chapter. I do believe it's the best yet, so keep up the great work.

To begin with, let me state that one of my favorite things with this story is the way that characters interact. It's playful, in a way, and yet it's also very serious and solemn at the same time. I'm not quite sure how that works, but that's what it feels like to me, and it works very well. The characters are quite interesting, in that they all share quite similar traits, in that they're all warriors and they're all quite serious, and yet they all have subtle enough differences that they create interesting dialog when interacting.

It's kind of funny, because a quick glance would make it seem as if the characters are too similar, but yet there's something about them when one looks closer that makes such a statement completely incorrect, as they work very well together.

As for the content of the chapter, it was very interesting, and also quite satisfying, as it contained some of the best news yet for our intrepid characters. It's always nice to get a brief respite from bad events through experiencing good and pleasant events, even if one knows that further bad must happen before the end of the story is reached. Everything seemed quite believable and I can find no fault in the content at all.

There were also very minimal technical errors as well, which is excellent. However, there are a sparse few, and they are detailed below:

He was tall, dark- haired and dark- eyed

I don't think that there should be spaces after those hyphens. Words like "dark-haired" are simply one word. You did this quite a few times; I'm just quoting the first one to avoid unnecessary usage of space.

He ... was loath to let you leave

"Loathe" is spelled with an E.

"N-no," I gasped,
"Drew is Maelwys’s dog."

I'm not sure why there's a carriage return after the comma, as I don't think there should be one. Also, it's generally considered proper (and is easier to read) to start a new paragraph each time there's a new speaker.

"I wonder why he would spread rumors when he knows the truth?"

This isn't a question, so there shouldn't be a question mark there. A question mark is only used when a person is directly asking for information, not when he's simply stating that he wishes he had information.

"This is Aneirin. My half-brother."

Really minor, but the second sentence is a fragment. It might be better written as follows:

"This is Aneirin, my half-brother."

Your weirs are still in good working order.

"Weirs" is another word you might consider defining through narration somehow.

We let our horses rest for the morning- Aneirin’s ride from Londinium had been several days, and all the horses were tired- while the four of us discussed what to do next.

This sentence is ever so slightly awkward due to the large break in the middle of it. You might consider rewriting it like this:

"We let our horses rest for the morning while the four of us discussed what to do next. Aneirin’s ride from Londinium had been several days, and all the horses were tired."

Try to avoid copious usage of asides through the use of hyphens. While they can be useful, they can also destroy readability.

I think that's all for the technical stuff. Again I repeat: well done, this was an excellent chapter. I'll be hopefully reading chapter 5 tomorrow, although it might be a bad idea to make an absolute promise. :)
12
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Review of Fear  Open in new Window.
Review by Lucas Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
I like the choice of words in this poem quite a bit. They create a consistently cold, metallic mood to the poem that is kept throughout, and it often can be quite hard indeed to keep the mood consistent, so that's definitely good. I have to commend you for tha.

I also like the interspursing of heartbeats (I assume that's what "thump-thump, thump-thump" is) throughout the poem. They relate to the reader, without ever directly stating anything (save for the end), how the person experiencing the words of the poem are feeling. I thought that was neat, and definitely a good idea.

However, I unfortunately must comment about the overall meaning behind and content within the poem for this review to be complete. In short, the main thing is that the poem doesn't really seem to be about a lot. It's certainly "about fear" in a way, as the description states, but generally when one writes about an abstract concept such as fear, it's better to make it more concrete than simply "about fear". For example, you could create a specific situation in which a person would experience fear (such as, say, in a haunted mansion, or in a hostage situation, or having a loved one in the hospital, etc.) and describe the person's feelings in huge detail.

The main idea that I suppose I'm trying to say is that for a reader to really enjoy a poem, the reader has to be able to immerse himself or herself into the content, to relate to the content, and to be interested in the content. This poem is certainly about fear, but in an abstract, detached sort of way - a way that does not easily enable the reader to get into the poem, to feel emotions when reading the poem, and such like.

Some imagery is used - quite effectively, I might add - and the poem is worded in a tense way, but it just doesn't quite all fit together in one unified whole. It has all of the requisite ingredients for an excellent poem, but - to use a metaphor - they still need to be mixed, put into a pan, and baked in an oven at 350 degrees for two hours. It's kind of frustrating in a way; I want to be able to really like it and rate it highly, because it's all there, but it just doesn't quite work for me.

Don't get me wrong - I certainly encourage you to keep at it, as you definitely have a lot of talent for writing. Nor do I have any problem with the idea behind this poem; it's a good one, and would make a good foundation on which to build a poem.

I'll end by saying this. Keep writing, to be sure, and the next time you write a poem, try to make sure the poem is concrete - something that the reader can picture and engage themselves in. If you're writing about something specific, nothing extra is really needed. If you're writing about an abstract idea, make sure you symbolize it with something the reader can relate to.

Keep at it, to restate what I've already said. You've got talent and potential, and I think that with just a little more work and refinement, you can definitely come up with something great. I look forward to seeing more material from you.
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Review by Lucas Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
As always, a job well done. I liked this chapter as much as the other two! You're a very good writer, and your characters are interesting enough that the story practically tells itself.

The thing that I especially liked about the chapter is that if you distill it down to its fundamental nature, there was not a lot that happened in the chapter. Cait regained her trust of Maelwys; she recovered from her wound; and then she returned to what was her home. That's it. And yet, the story manages to stretch it out into a long, meaningful, and enjoyable read. I think that is the sign of an excellent writer, where you can be reading practically nothing happening at all and have it seem like the most profound of events.

I do have one small complaint about the content, and that surrounds Cait's regaining her trust of Maelwys. It just sort of struck me that it seems as if one moment she's all distrustful of Maelwys and thinks he lied to her and then wham, she trusts Maelwys again. I think that, were I writing the story, I would have made the transition just a little more gradual than how it appeared in the story.

Still, it's a very minor point, and while it does seem a little like it happened mostly because the author wanted it to happen, it does not at all impact the overall story, nor is the fundamental idea of Cait regaining her trust in Maelwys unbelievable.

There are three other small technical issues that I spotted that I figured I could also bring to your attention, and they are as follows:

"'You understand it!' His words were like a spark igniting fury."

Without a question mark present, Cait appears initially to be affirming what Maelwys had stated, rather than questioning it. Whenever I want to denote a question being asked in an exclamatory manner, I always just use both a question mark and an exclamation mark, like this:

"'You understand it!?' His words were like a spark igniting fury."

---

"'It was always cold about now,' I told Maelwys. 'Because of the trees and ridges.'"

Here, the second sentence is a sentence fragment. I think that this would read better if you smashed it all into one sentence, like this:

"'It was always cold about now,' I told Maelwys, 'because of the trees and ridges.'"

---

"Nothing broke the stillness for some time but the the crackling of the fire."

There are two instances of "the" in that sentence. I assume that this is just a typo.

---

Anyway, let me wrap up by saying again that, regardless of any small issues I might find, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the overall story, and I still find it a very enjoyable story to read. You keep writing, and I'll keep reading. :)

I'll get to chapter four tomorrow. Gotta see who this horse and rider are! (Which reminds me - nice ending, by the way; I always like it when chapters end in a way that intrigue you enough to want to read the next.)
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Review by Lucas Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Good chapter. I thought it was a very interesting idea for a story to have it in the first person from differing perspectives. I don't recall ever reading a story that did that, in fact, so it's a very unique and, in my opinion, effective way to tell a story. It helps you to get to know not just one character, but multiple.

The only complaint I'd have with the chapter is how short it is - I only started reading and poof, it's over. :) I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
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Review by Lucas Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is quite the story! A thoroughly interesting reading. I enjoyed it a lot. I liked the interesting blend of fiction and reality in that there were items that clearly existed in reality, such as the languages of Latin and Cymric and the religion of Christianity, and yet there were also people and places that (I assume) don't exist in reality. The plot was excellent, and I especially liked the fact that it was not at all predictable.

I also liked the way the story was introduced. The way in which it simply starts and gets to the action gives you the feeling of being a part of it, as if you had always been with them, and mention of their names is simply commonplace. The main characters are also very well-developed; they are most certainly not one-dimensional and are quite believable, and that is often quite a feat, so good on you for that.

I have absolutly no complaints with the content; the only comments I can make are technical issues. As I was writing, I did make note of various items that I felt could be rewritten, so without further ado, here they are:

"Every morning, I was awakened first by the sunlight through my window, then the merry sounds of the warriors with their swords on the practice fields."

Since she is awakened by both the sunlight and by the merry sounds, I think it would flow better if you phrased it to say "...first by the sunlight through my window, then by the merry sounds...".

"Perhaps not completely weaponless."

This didn't quite flow right for me. Although I can see the intention to show Cait simply talking in a casual manner, I nonetheless think it would be better to include a subject, and make it "Perhaps I was not completely weaponless."

"I awoke to clear, blue skies and a rumbling stomach, so I found more food and then set off for the next caer."

The use of "so" here sort of seems out of place. It makes the sentence loose its dramatic sense, as it's such a commonplace word. Perhaps something like this would be better: "I awoke to clear, blue skies and a rumbling stomach. I satisfied myself through further food and then set off for the next caer." I just think this sounds slightly better, but you can choose to ignore this if you wish.

"Soon I stopped for water, at the brooke that I had found the day before."

Not sure if this is intentional or not, but "brook" is usually spelled without an E.

"There was a fever epidemic a few years ago"

Medically speaking, a fever is never an illness unto itself; rather, it is a symptom of an illness. You don't really get a "fever epidemic" - you get epidemics which has "fever" as a symptom. I think that it would sound better to change this to something that is an actual sickness. Just a suggestion.

"I refused his offer of marriage. Which was not an offer, but a demand"

This would read better, in my opinion, if you smashed it together into one sentence: "I refused his offer of marriage, which was not an offer, but a demand." As it stands right now, the second sentence is a sentence fragment, technically speaking.

"It was only part of qq retaliation"

Is "qq" a typo? I don't know what is meant here.

"But I am nothing, to question God."

Horribly technical, but that comma should not be there.

"'Well, we are your friends, if you’ll accept us,' Alector shrugged. The others nodded. 'And no, we don’t usually talk to many girls!' Meurig added with a wink. 'Now, shoot.'"

It's usually customary to start a new paragraph whenever there's a new speaker, and this is why. It currently is completely unknown who is saying "Now, shoot" because two people had previously spoken in the paragraph. Assuming you meant to have Alector speak the last bit, I think that this would be better:

"Well, we are your friends, if you’ll accept us," Alector shrugged. The others nodded.

"And no, we don’t usually talk to many girls!" Meurig added with a wink.

Alector continued.

"Now, shoot."

----

This seems much more understandable.

I also have one more comment, and that concerns the word "caer" and "weald". Since they're used more than once, I assume that they're not misspellings, and as such, I think it would be good to define them somewhere if you're going to use them, as I have no idea what they mean, and they're not found in a dictionary. I assume that they have something along the lines of a Celtic or a Welsh origin, considering the rest of the story.

By the way, I must ask: do you come from an origin such as that? The text in your story seems very authentic, so I figured I might as well ask.

In conclusion, I'll just restate that, despite how long this appears, I did fully enjoy your story and will certainly be reading the next chapter after this. Excellent work; I hope you write more! This is a very good story.
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Review of lovelife  Open in new Window.
Review by Lucas Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
You know, this poem is kind of funny in the "funny strange" way, because it's short, and it doesn't contain that much description, and yet the simply superb choice of words and sentence structure create a mood to the poem that really makes none of that matter at all. It's a sad, depressing poem that I think everyone can relate to in at least one way or another: a person who feels all alone, as if her life is going nowhere, and as if she simply can't get away from the pain.

The only complaints I could form over this poem are very minor. One such comment is that the statement "i'm tired of being left alone" just doesn't quite feel right given the overall mood of the rest of the poem. It seems more angry, and less melancholy and depressed. Perhaps it could be something like "i don't want to be alone" - something that seems more resigned to fate: less mad, more depressed.

Or, if you're satisfied with how it sounds, feel free to completely ignore me.

Either way, this is a marvelous piece of work. I hope you post more at a later date.
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