Sentence structure needs work. A lot of your sentences lose who or what you are talking about, and it confuses the reader. for example (A sudden thud on his head collapsed, falling down in the hot sand. The sand hit his eyes, trying to desperately rub it off.)
There, the subject was the thud on his head, and that thud fell down in the hot sand, rather than HIM falling down. In the very next sentence,the sand hit his eyes, and then (the sand) tried desperately to rub something off(of his eyes?). you could have broken that sentence into two and fused the second part with the sentence after it,
EX
The sand hit his eyes(.) Trying to desperately rub it off(out), he shuffled himself (to his feet) before his eyes widened in fear.
It's okay to have long sentences that tell the reader exactly what is happening.
Identifying the speaker with He said, She said, would be helpful, although it was pretty obvious who was talking by context.
Try to avoid using the same word twice in a sentence unless you have to.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/funkhouse
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 9:17am on Nov 24, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
