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5 Public Reviews Given
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Public Reviews
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Review of Star To Star  Open in new Window.
Review by BunBun Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello there! I love the image that you're creating! However I would like to suggest something to you! The rhyme pattern isn't very clear.
In these two lines you've used I can see the rhyme scheme.
I've traveled far (A)
from star to star (A)

However you end the stanza with no rhyme and makes it seem like an abrupt end.

What I suggest you do is have four lines in each stanza that way you can make the connection as smooth as possible!
I cannot WAIT to see what you make next!
BunBun
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Review of The Lost Pets  Open in new Window.
Review by BunBun Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Narrator: It happened one summer morning when everybody woke up. The kids, Lily and Nikolaos, had their milk and cookies when the pets did a bad thing without them knowing. What happened to the pets? Let's see what happens...
(I would suggest rewording the bold part I "highlighted" the wording doesn't seem to fit but can be easily fixed :D)

I notice how you call the pets, pets. I would suggest giving them names as to not confuse the audience and so the animals can be separated from each other.

Nikolaos: What?! That's not true. I know that you eat your vegetable roll with no silverware. That's not polite.
(The bold part I marked seemed a bit unnecessary and could be changed to something more comedic)

Op: OOOOH! The slide!

Lily: Oh, please be careful.
(I would suggest taking out the "Oh" (whats in bold), it doesn't fit since OP already said Oh)

Lily: Oh, I know where they can be. They love T-Rex's. Let's go to the T-Rex exhibit.
(I would further explain why they love T-Rex's either earlier on in the play or add in a scene where it shows the pets getting lost in the T-Rex exhibit before transitioning back to the children.)

At this point I only just realized Ep and Op were the pets. It might be more obvious while performing, but they don't express the qualities and actions of a pet when they talk. Maybe they could have sounds or actions that express what you want them to say; it doesn't make sense for them to talk but it could also make sense if the pets were to talk to each other but the owners hear barking.

Nikolaos: Gosh. You guys did something so bad that now you made yourselves famous...in a bad way.
(I would suggest changing the line to something like this)
Nikolaos: Gosh you guys, you've gone and made yourself famous(beat) and not in a good way.

Op: It's such a pleasure to be on national television
Ep: Oooooh! I see my face on that screen!
(maybe have them say something such as)
Op: Look at us Ep! It's so cool to be on TV!
Ep: Oh Oh! I'm there too!

While there should be some adjustments I love the idea of the play and I'm glad to have read it, I hope that one day someone can perform it for you. BunBun
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