Your stories have become your "inky babies": (Inkheart) and this lil' hobbit has just read one. I want to treat your "inky baby": with care because I know your heart has been poured out into it! See below my humble comments and Write On!
A Hobbits First Impression and Suggestions: This is a very descriptive story and the title was what caught my attention. A good story that fifth graders can relate to and would laugh at.
Characters: I believe your characters are well developed, and I can see the fifth grade scene taking place as the cafeteria can be a social nightmare for adolescents. I especially like how you have shown us the bully with alot of visual imagery. I dislike him from the start :)
I do however find myself wanting to know more about our heroine.
Your story line makes me want to hear more diaglogue. Add some where you can.
POV (Point of View)I like third person, but I wonder if first person from one of the characters perspectives would bring me inside the story even more? Something to think about.
Plot/Pace: Your plot is very realistic and pace is quick. You build good tension for the reader to see how the girl will respond and the solution is very realistic because that is exactly what a lot of kids would do, but she does show bravery giving him some of his own medicine. I worry about bullies like this, because they do exist and they can be cause great damage in schools. You could lengthen this by addressing this serious issue.
Your stories have become your "inky babies": (Inkheart) and this lil' hobbit has just read one. I want to treat your "inky baby": with care because I know your heart has been poured out into it! See below my humble comments and Write On!
A Hobbits First Impression and Suggestions: This was so sweet and it was a pleasant twist to have a fairy become a child to figure out the human world.
Characters: Very nicely developed in such a short story. I really like Moria and the conversation between her and her mother is very engaging.
POV (Point of View)I really enjoy looking closely at point of view and third person for this is perfect because you keep me guessing about Moria's true identity.
Plot/Pace: I love the unexpected plot and I didn't know exactly where it was going until the end and I actually went back and re-read it and loved it even more the second time.
Your stories have become your "inky babies": (Inkheart) and this lil' hobbit has just read one. I want to treat your "inky baby": with care because I know your heart has been poured out into it! See below my humble comments and Write On!
A Hobbits First Impression and Suggestions: This is a sweet picture book that offers repetitive language that reading teachers for early readers would like. Sweet storyline too.
Characters: The interaction between mom and daughter is sweet and funny.
Plot: For an early picture book this has a good plot. Something that kept coming to my mind as I read and I don't know why? But what if Mom was pregnant and at the end, Velma felt the baby kick for the first time. Alot of young kids getting ready to have new siblings could really relate to this. Would kind of offer a twist. Just a thought.
Pace: Good pace, because kids would like hearing all the things the animals do acting it out as they go.
Your stories have become your "inky babies": (Inkheart) and this lil' hobbit has just read one. I want to treat your "inky baby": with care because I know your heart has been poured out into it! See below my humble comments and Write On!
A Hobbits First Impression and Suggestions: What a sweet picture book... I adore children's literature and read every bit I can get my hands on. This would be very suitable for a picture book and little children especially little girls would really like this. I have a four year old and I'd like to read this to her. I'd love to this illustrated. It makes me think of Cicely Barker's fairies.
Characters: Tessie is a good main character and the other characters are classic as well.
Plot/Pace: This is good simple plot for youngsters and your pace is quick to keep their attention.
Frodo's Editorial Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: I didn't see any mistakes, but I ususally read more for content my first read through.
I love picture books and you have a sweet story here.
You've just been reviewed by a member of the Paper Doll Gang!
Your poems have become your "inky babies": (Inkheart) and this lil' hobbit has just read one. I want to treat your "inky baby": with care because I know your heart has been poured out into it! See below my humble comments and Write On!
A Hobbit's First Impression:
As I read this my four year old is snoring :) I think this may be a poem for tired mommies and the bliss of sleep, even if it isn't their own :) heheheh
Rhyme Scheme and Meter:
Two very nice couplets, short and sweet.
Lil' Hobbit's favorites:
I love the imagery with this....I can hear it, see it and feel it.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I see none.
Very sweet.
You have just been reviewed by a member of the Paper Doll Gang!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Your stories have become your "inky babies": (Inkheart) and this lil' hobbit has just read one. I want to treat your "inky baby": with care because I know your heart has been poured out into it! See below my humble comments and Write On!
A Hobbits First Impression and Suggestions: Firstly, what children's literary workshop did you take? Sounds very interesting... I love children's lit, it is my favorite. Your title is so funny.
This is also a topic most kids could relate to, but I'm not sure you wrote it for children :) It sounds more like it might be written for mothers:) heeheheh I'm glad you have it rated ASR, because I wouldn't want to promote this tactic for solving embarrassment to little ones.
Characters: I like Jimmy. He is a cute little fellow.
POV (Point of View)I like stories written in 3rd person, but I think this would be even better if it was written in first person from Jimmy's perspective.
Plot/Pace: I think your problem and pace are good. You move quickly and I wanted to know how it ended.
Frodo's Editorial Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: When in diaglogue you have another character say someone's name, place a comma afterwards. I think you may have a typo with the word "too" meaning also. I also see some run on sentences that need brushing up.
You've just been reviewed by a member of the Paper Doll Gang!
Your poems have become your "inky babies": (Inkheart) and this lil' hobbit has just read one. I want to treat your "inky baby": with care because I know your heart has been poured out into it! See below my humble comments and Write On!
A Hobbit's First Impression: Loved it...every line is rich with description and I adore the whole topic...oh to be eight again. My favortie line is the whole of the countryside being viewed over pink toes. ;)
Rhyme Scheme and Meter:
I am not a poetry expert, so I think this if free verse, and it is interesting how you leave each line to finished up by the next. I like the flow of it.
Lil' Hobbity Suggestions:
I think the young girl's name is Nickee, but the poem is entitled Elba. Other than that I wouldn't change anything, I really like it.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
There is not any ending punctuation. I think maybe your first ending is at the end of line 12, and then again at the end of the last line.
Very nice read
You have just been reviewed by a member of the Paper Doll Gang!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello Jewel-This review is for challenge 7 in the Paper Dolls Gang.
Your stories have become your "inky babies": (Inkheart) and this lil' hobbit has just read one. I want to treat your "inky baby": with care because I know your heart has been poured out into it! See below my humble comments and Write On!
A Hobbits First Impression and Suggestions: This whole idea could be turned into a great children's book on preserving the wealth of our oceans. I like that we were able to overhear what the whales were saying.
Characters: For a short story, I really liked how you developed the two scientists. It was realistic for a fantasy type story. I also like the introduction of several different personalities of whales.
POV (Point of View): Good third person point of view, and it would be good if it was told from Susan's point of view too.
Plot: Good plot that I think could be developed into a longer story with an even more involved plot.
Frodo's Editorial Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: Paragraph 6 typo: turn "the" to "they" in first sentence. Second sentence, I think you mean "come on" not "come one". I think at the end of quotes, it can be either !, ? or commas, no period allowed.
Really interesting story. Wow, what if you took this idea in a children's book from the whale's perspective....Please critique my review and post a message on the newbie challenge forum that you received a review from me.. Thanks Jewel!
You've just been reviewed by a member of the Paper Doll Gang!
Your stories have become your "inky babies": (Inkheart) and this lil' hobbit has just read one. I want to treat your "inky baby": with care because I know your heart has been poured out into it! See below my humble comments and Write On!
A Hobbits First Impression and Suggestions: I am a children's lit nut, so I was drawn to this story immediately.
Characters: I like all the sweet little animals. For a children's easy reader it they are likable and kids will find them easy to identify with.
POV (Point of View) Third person point of view is clear and consistent.
Plot: I love the plot and how is solved. Kids can all understand the "I want it" bug at Christmas. You show them in a clear way a good moral lesson.
Pace: Not too slow but enough description for vivid pictures to go with it. For a picture book you would need less text, picture books are usually 32 pages long with short lines of text, but it would make a good easy reader or early first chapter book.
Frodo's Editorial Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: Your grammar is clean, you've edited this baby:)
I like the easy language you use and 7-9 year olds, second graders could read it. I liked it and I really wouldn't change any of it. Only one suggestion, re-think your title, I think you could come up with something much more catchy to appeal to kids. The title sounds a lot like The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. Maybe "Santa's Giving Magic", you'll think of something good. Good read Nicki! I look forward to continue getting to know you. You obviously have a great talent and obvious love for words, which I think makes us kindred spirits! :)
You've just been reviewed by a member of the Paper Doll Gang!
Your stories have become your "inky babies": (Inkheart) and this lil' hobbit has just read one. I want to treat your "inky baby": with care because I know your heart has been poured out into it! See below my humble comments and Write On!
A Hobbits First Impression and Suggestions: Yay! My Pal is on WDC!!! You know I love this story, It reveals a bit of your testimony before Christ! And well written at that!
Characters: Well developed MC and my heart breaks for her.
POV (Point of View) First person is kept throughout and that makes it clear reading.
Plot: You are quick to grab my attention and I remember when I first read this long ago, you were a student at TC and I cried at the end. Oh Manda, God has given you such gifts! Remember how pumped we were to write for FaithWriters. God has so much in store for you and your life, all the things you love my friend.
Pace: Great, all way to the end.
Frodo's Editorial Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: Capitalize Bible, it's THE book! :)
There is next to nothing I would change about this. You should of placed with this!
You've just been reviewed by a member of the Paper Doll Gang! Your gang now! :)
Your stories have become your "inky babies": (Inkheart) and this lil' hobbit has just read one. I want to treat your "inky baby": with care because I know your heart has been poured out into it! See below my humble comments and Write On!
A Hobbits First Impression and Suggestions: Made me remember when I was a kid and the thrill of being afraid!
Characters
I liked the teachers, as I am a teacher I could see all my old pals and how we tried to make school so much fun. Your beginning reaked of a sweet old elementary school.
The language of the boys was good, having taught third grade for about 4 years, they sound just like that. I think they are well developed for a SS.
POV (Point of View) I am still learning so much about POV, but I believe you've used third person omniscient, and you stick to that well. It would be interesting from Phil or Zak's perspective.
Plot/Pace: The problem is clear and resolved well and I like the pace. I moved quickly thru it. It would've almost been interesting not to state that they were cats, but leave us wondering.
Frodo's Editorial Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: Grammar is clean.
I like this story Lyle, I want to read more.
You've just been reviewed by a member of the Paper Doll Gang!
Your poems have become your "inky babies": (Inkheart) and this lil' hobbit has just read one. I want to treat your "inky baby": with care because I know your heart has been poured out into it! See below my humble comments and Write On!
A Hobbit's First Impression: I like the imagery here. I'm in love with Maisey...I see a whole book of poetry just about this dear lil' busybody. OOOO that's a good suggestion...Busybody Maisey! Get to writing.:)
Rhyme Scheme and Meter:
I like the free form here as well. Pace is good. How do you decide what syllables will be in each line or how to structure it??
Lil' Hobbity Suggestions:
I think it may even sound better with ex. "splish, splash, sploosh" Work on different rain sounds to create different sounds in the reader's mind. Pace is good.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
typo: Third set of lines, put an end quote mark on Maisey's promise to stay on the path.
Another great feeling children's poem...Are you attempting to publish?
You have just been reviewed by a member of the Paper Doll Gang!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Your poems have become your "inky babies": (Inkheart) and this lil' hobbit has just read one. I want to treat your "inky baby": with care because I know your heart has been poured out into it! See below my humble comments and Write On!
A Hobbit's First Impression: Another winner! I love your style of poetry and I am truly not fluffing you! It is very original and this free form one is really nice. I couldn't wait to see what she would say. Your shift in POV was easy to keep up with.
Rhyme Scheme and Meter:
I loved the unique rhymes and interesting dialogue and it flowed beautifully. You see into the mind of child here and you captured it.
Lil' Hobbity Suggestions:
Add more!!
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Clean
You have just been reviewed by a member of the Paper Doll Gang!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Your poems have become your "inky babies": (Inkheart) and this lil' hobbit has just read one. I want to treat your "inky baby": with care because I know your heart has been poured out into it! See below my humble comments and Write On!
A Hobbit's First Impression: Love it! Sings just like a children's poem should. You kept me guessing what it was til the end ;)
Rhyme Scheme and Meter:
I love the structure of this poem. It has a happy look and beat.
Lil' Hobbity Suggestions:
I have seen some poems like this in certain shapes..wouldn't this one be cool written in a frog shape? I also like how it ends like you began with the answer to the riddle. Maybe "a rim of glass" could read "this rim of glass". I can't think of any suggestions. I really like it just the way it is!
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: Nice clean grammar.
I look forward to reading more.
You have just been reviewed by a member of the Paper Doll Gang!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Your poems have become your "inky babies": (Inkheart) and this lil' hobbit has just read one. I want to treat your "inky baby": with care because I know your heart has been poured out into it! I am no master writer, but I desire true constructive feedback so I can improve, and I want to do the same for you. No fluff here just an honest humble review. Write On!
A Hobbit's First Impression:
At first I didn't catch what a "passy" was and then I went to your portfolio and read the entry what is a passy. Then I went back and read the poem again and I saw the wonderful silly beauty this poem holds. Sorry I didn't catch it at first, and I'm a mom too DUH? Just want to be honest, I wonder if there is a better abbreviation you could give it, so that when people read it they get it immediately. I looked up passy and it is actually a city in Paris, heehee :)I don't know, play around with the spelling a bit and see what you come up with.
It is completely delightful. I adore children's nonsense poetry and you really bring out the dilemma that parents go through trying to get rid of that "passy" :) Very good idea of a passy monster.
Rhyme Scheme and Meter: It seems you start out with an abab scheme and then change near the end to rhyming every line. I believe poetry rules can bend in the direction the author chooses, so this scheme should be okay unless you want a tightly structured poem, in which case you should stick to your beginning scheme of abab.
Meter flows nicely, Ideas to make it better:
Lines 3 and 4 would flow better if maybe you moved a couple of words:
A time when pumpkins and scarcrows,
Are put on display.
Line 5: He'd been looking for his victim
Lines 9 and ten are a little awkward in rhythm, ending with took and beginning with it. Rhymezone.com is really a great sight to help with lots of words to choose from for rhyming.
Break up line 11 a bit, so you don't have quite so many syllables in one line.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I think peaking should be spelled peeking, just a typo.
You have a great idea here and great lines. I'm jealous I didn't think of it. I would love to see it again as you perfect it....Please email me.
You have just been reviewed by a member of the Paper Doll Gang!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/frodo14
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 8:04am on Nov 25, 2024 via server WEBX2.
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
