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13 Public Reviews Given
13 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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for entry "RUN...Open in new Window.
Review by Freethinker20 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is quite an interesting thing you have going here. I will definitely continue reading, but be prepared. The reviews will come in random times...getting busy with finals!! But here it goes for this chapter:

"There were here weren’t any hotels near by either."

Just a small typo here I believe. "Were here?" I don't think you mean for that to be there?

"Just feet away from the finish line, helpless, hopeless, and horribly dressed for the occasion, her vision goes black and a thought hits her like a ton of bricks out of no where. She’s been alive for seventeen long years and not once has she ever had the chance to be kissed."

I love the similes you weave into the piece. Each of them seem pretty original and not cliche. Of course, I don't know all the cliches in the world, but just be aware of cliches as you write in similes, sometimes cliches, well, turn the writing into instant cheesiness! For this cheesiness wouldn't work unless it's Fidelity's sarcasm or something. Anyway as for the quote above....I wonder if she was so gawked at....what changed? Was it because her appeareance changed after her mother died that boys no longer gawked over her? She wasn't one to easily give it up....(not assuming that she was some kind well slut, but just wondering...) if guys were all over her in the beginning what happened? I guess, what I am saying is...it could be a good idea to explain why she hadn't been kissed...make it clearer why suddenly the boys aren't oogling as much. Perhaps you do go on with this in your second chapter, but this is just a note. I'll continue reading to see!! =D

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Review by Freethinker20 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
So many college do this!! I would know because I work in a writing center!!
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Review of Untitled Project  Open in new Window.
Review by Freethinker20 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
First, I must applaud you (I did, but you couldn't see it) if you're going the direction I think you're going...William is a guy's name....Adam is a guys' name...romance....are you headed in the direction I grasped from reading this? Or am I just tripping? Please, let me know! I beg you! If you are this just made my day and even if you're not it still made my day because that's what I read. Anyway, I actually think it's a wonderful introduction to a story and then backtracking. This could be just that; a little excerpt at the beginning and then you unfold the story from there.

The question is...how much are you going to tell us of William's past relationships? Since you laid out a short version of his background in this little intro, what more can you tell us? I am sure there's some way to go about it...starting with a specific point in time, going on and then getting to the meeting with Adam.

Also, how does "That Sort of Thing?" for a title possibility sound? It kind of fits since the whole point of it is that all the romantic comedy snuff is bleh, but then there's Adam. Haha. So, yeah. That sort of thing...it always seems to come back around to the trite, romantic, quirky stuff, doesn't it? Hard to avoid it...if I may say. Though, I think you've crafted an interesting way to tackle it, plus, if you're headed in the direction of this being (not a straight couple) then I'm game! Seriously. But perhaps Adam is really a girl? But...but...that can't be...(sad face)...I also don't want to offend, so let me know if I am reading this entirely wrong.
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Review by Freethinker20 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Here goes:

>>>John pulled up his aching, chained legs against his naked torso, shivering from the terrible coldness. The dungeon forbade any sunlight from the outside world, and the whole place stank with the stench of death. John moaned with pain, as the candle burned out, leaving him in the complete blackness. Oh well, he would just have to wait for the prison guard to give him his next beating and a new supply of light. John leaned his sore head against the rough wall, staring bleakly at the darkness beyond. Life was hard in this dungeon. Prisoners suffered from disease, numerous beatings, and hardly a scrap of food.<<< For John, being away from his family was the hardest part. A lump filled in John’s throat, a terrible suffering clouding his features.

I was wondering that if you continued on with the mysterious factor how that would sound? Instead of introducing the man as John there at the beginning, start as you did "For John, being away..." It gives us that feeling of mystery of who is this person? And then suddenly, his name is revealed with a very important character trait: family means something to him, which in turn means something for Christian, no? I just think it might help in doing this; if you have your doubts, read it over with HE in place of John before the "For John..." sentence.


>>>He dreamed he was a condemned man named, John, who was thrown in the dungeons for preaching about some God. He couldn’t understand the dream. It was so real, he could literally smell the terrible stench, feel the pain in his joints, and the anxiety of it all.<<<

Perhaps this part can be a little more dreamlike? Christian could wake up...think of the name John (or rather to make it known that this may not be real; italicize the part with John...flashbacks, dreams, etc, are sometimes in different fonts in certain books, you know? And just last year I wrote a piece for my creative writing class that had flashbacks in it and the first thing my prof told me was ITALICIZE those flashbacks!!) Plus, I think it would offer more to Christian's confusion about the entire dream...make this feel sudden and abrupt as someone would feel waking from a dream so powerful that they can feel the pain and dread...

>>>The man whom Christian saved. Achilis was a towering, barrel-chested, hustler bustler type of guy, who had an impatient, intolerable kind of kind temperament. He’d never stand for any short comings on duty<<<

Just as a little note, because I could have missed it somewhere in the reading...it might help to describe what Christian looks like unless this comes later (you do a bit through the description of the kids and mention his aqua eyes)? I noticed there is 3 chapters to this...I just wanted to mention it because I got totally scolded at by classmates and the prof of the ADVANCED creative writing class for not describing what someone looks like. Personally, I think sometimes the story can offer little cues, like maybe he ran his hand through his blonde hair? Or some girl admired his extremely toned and amazing body? I don't know just little things here and there in a story that make suggestions towards the characters looks. Being that Achilis is sort of a subcharacter it's okay to describe him as you did. Perfectly fine, actually, but per expectations most people would want a description of the main character.

>>>The room shifted its attention unto Christian. Christian blinked. Stunned. He stood up to his feet hesitantly, and walked over to the chest. He peered into the contents and stared at the treasures.
Which three should he pick?
Grabbing three of the many golden artifacts, he slipped them into a simple brown sack and then resumed back to his seat besides Caleb.<<<

Now, why must he choose three? Are alluding to the religious symbolism of the three gifts Jesus got at his birth? Though, if Christian's God is different from John's does the Jesus thing fit? And being that he is in command why doesn't he have control of this situation? And if you have an answer to that question, then there's this one, why is stunned that he is asked to pick first? He is a revered leader is he not?

>>Her beloved Christian was finally coming home! The rumor of this long, treacherous battle had been devastating and every night she worried for her husband’s life. Though everyone knew that Christian would probably be the least likely to a get a limb cut off.<<<

Is this a flashback or is it really happening? Is Christian going to see his beloved after that battle? It really seems like it's a flashback of sorts. Okay, so it is real time. He does get see his wife after so much time...so that's why he thinks of Kristine? It was nearing the end of an assignment...?

>>James only giggled, but it was more of a snort than a giggle. <<<

You could just say the little kid snorted. It would be all right for one as young as him to just snort. He wouldn't quite grasp why his father is telling him to regard woman. I think it'd be okay to say he just snorted, forgetting all together about giggling.

>>>And how did that go? Well, most would say the fight was pathetically easy for Christian, which led him here today, the rich, soon to be honored champion of Mephistophelia. He was the greatest warrior in all of history. <<<

This reminds me a lot of Beowulf (do you know it?). Though, it seems Christian has doubts about how he is supposed to be and whether or not he is a HERO? I also think you don't need that "And how did that go?"...that seems more of an author's/narrator's quip than what Christian is thinking. He is only thinking that most people considered this battle with the giant very easy for him. He already knows what happened, right? So tell it.

All right, finished! I really like your dialogue. It is strong. Though, I wonder did you have in mind a particular way these people spoke? It is with an understanding of the English language that has poetic and intelligent quality to it? How Shakespeare sounds, but much more modernized, if that makes sense? Making them sound eloquent, I guess, it what I am asking? Did you think about a particular sound concerning their voices? Plus, this is some interesting religious symbolism. It is all from legend, myth, theoretical bible stuff? Or just that book you mentioned at the beginning that inspired you? I know this is a lot of questions, but maybe it helped. And you don't have to respond, but I'd like to know your thoughts!!




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Review of Blocked  Open in new Window.
Review by Freethinker20 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I love the irony. Isn't it amazing what you can write when you have writer's block? You just start to justify it with words you thought you couldn't find. =D Ah, words! This is was clever. I like it.
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Review of Illusions  Open in new Window.
Review by Freethinker20 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Did you read this poem by Sylvia Plath? To me it's kind of intriguing that your ideas spring from this. It's surprising I also remembered since I read this two years ago in my Intro to Literature class, I think. I just know that this character seemed like the she was extracted from this poem. Maybe, I'm totally off base...but it's no coincidence that your writing made me think of it. The fact you say "glittering fish" at the end and Sylvia ends her poem with "horrible fish" makes me wonder if this is where you extracted your idea? Please, let me know! Otherwise I think it's quite a developed character you have for such a short story.

Mirror

I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.
Whatever I see, I swallow immediately.
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike
I am not cruel, only truthful –
The eye of a little god, four-cornered.
Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.
It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long
I think it is a part of my heart. But it flickers.
Faces and darkness separate us over and over.

Now I am a lake. A woman bends over me.
Searching my reaches for what she really is.
Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish.
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