Hi A Christmas Carol St.Ann
I am reviewing "One Saturday Morning " for "Gang's Monthly Review Board" Please understand that these are my own opinions, comments and suggestions and you should by no means feel compelled to accept, adopt, or embrace them. Any changes that you make to your work should be due to the careful considerations of yourself, the writer.
The Good
Your copy is clean and easy to read. you have chosen to examine a moment in history that you were a part of, and that moment is salient today, even after the passing of (I'm sorry to expose you) 50 years.
As with many writings of this type, you do a good job of acquainting us with layers of narrator: there is the you in the moment, and the you reflecting upon the moment from the time of writing (sometimes these narrators can get jumbled and confused, but they do not in this piece).
You have chosen to focus upon a wonderful speech, beautifully written, and full of hope and vision, that I think provides a wonderful platform for narrative thought and reflection.
Things to Think About
Far be it from me to criticize the wonderful writing skills of Kennedy's speechwriters--I'm sure we can all agree they were terrific writers, and Kennedy was great orator. Obviously, no editing is possible for an historical quotation: it is as it was. However, this does not mean that no editing is required. As this is not simply a recording of JFK's speech, but is instead a reminiscence of your participation in the moment when the speech was delivered, dumping the entire text of the speech into your text as a block quote, does neither your text, nor Kennedy's speech, the justice they deserve.
You do a good job of setting the tone and providing the reader a sense of the moment: the halcyon days of Camelot as it were, and the anticipation and wonder of the American psyche of that time. You give us anticipation, and by taking us up that hill, a sense of religiosity too--we are climbing up to the moment and it becomes elevated in importance (a nice device, I must say). Then the reader lands in the text of the speech, which is grandiose in scope and meaning, but is not grounded by the reflections of the narrator, and we lose our way. How is this affecting the narrator of the little girl at the time? What is the narrator of today seeing and thinking of it? Where is this double-person for the space of more than a dozen paragraphs? In essence, we lose the grandiose affect upon the narrator via their absence as the speech is being delivered.
I would suggest, that breaking up the speech with narrative comments that both keep us in the moment of the dedication (the girl's POV), and reflect upon that moment from the now (your current POV), will keep the reader grounded in what you are trying to say, and not have them taken over by what Kennedy was saying. This added reflection, and it's value even 50 years down the road, will add tremendous significance to your thoughts. Without this interplay between the narrator and the moment, the narrator becomes the forgotten emcee, and any point they were trying to make is lost.
I think that you could do more with the developing relationship with Miss Dwyer. She becomes a life-long friend, so you might want to consider building in a secondary narrative thread that follows that early development (this should work, as this development is interconnected with the Kennedy moment, and later his assassination). The speech could then bridge the gap between the initial meeting of your with Miss Dwyer at the dedication, and your later sharing grief after the assassination. The gift of the photograph could be played against Kennedy's gift of vision in his speech--there are many opportunities to explore with just this one addition of narrative focus.
I see a wonderful opportunity for you here--just do not lose yourself in your autobiography and it will be all the stronger.
Cheers,
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