This is a review of your piece: "A Journey Home"  [E]
These are just my opinions, take what's useful and ignore the rest 
Impressions:
A pleasant piece which leaves a lasting impression due to a terrific and emotional end.
Strengths:
 You set the scene, setting, topic, what will probably be the main plot point, mystery and tone in the first paragraph. It draws me in with the mystery of why a connection is felt - is it something sci-fi? A dormant connection? A biological phenomenon of memories passed on in generations? Or simply an imagined link due to the connection the character feels he should have, as it is his anscestors land, and so has unknowingly manufactured? It seems to lend toward the last one, but it leaves it open so the reader will want to continue, which is good. The re-inforement of the point with 'And I did feel as if I were returning.' is effective.
I like the humor at the end of the second paragraph. It helped me relate to your protag and made the story entertaining. Also, saying it almost had him in tears is a clever way to describe his frustration/confusion/distress at the different side of road driving without repeating yourself.
Paragraph's 3-5 have some really good descriptions. I like how you described what the look of the place made the character want to do to add more life to it all. Very effective, it drew me in and was easy to visualize.
The knowing bits throughout do a good job of tying the piece together and linking the start to the end. It makes for a nice, well-rounded piece that is very consistent within itself and seems to have focus, all summed up nicely at the end with a powerful last sentence.
I think the second half of the story was much more powerful than the first. It seemed to get into a good flow, drew me in, gave us a bit of background and showed emotions (hesitation etc) that allowed me to relate to the protag. The plot starts to really pick up, as well. I think you could probably cut down on some of the drive at the start, or add some more of the mystery and seeing things with familiarity to it, in order to keep this flow going all the way through.
The atmosphere of the piece was very low key, making it a relaxing and pleasant read. It was also very consistent, with just little bits of confusion/tension for the reader breaking it up and keeping it interesting. It was a nice balance.
The last few paragraphs are very strong. I felt an emotional attachment to the protag and could easily picture this scene. The grandmother appearing for just an instant, rather than talking and the birds were a nice touch, as were the flashbacks. It all built together to leave a lasting impression. Good job!
Suggestions:
'I knew it the minute' This emphasis (with the 'knew' in itallics) seemed odd to me. When reading that sentence, it is natural to put slight emphasis on it anyway and I think it sounds better in that natural state, as a simple and definitive statement.
'But this... Yet I' Having two sentences in a row that start with 'but, yet, however' or similiar ones that contradict something previously said always makes reading awkward for me. I also don't see the need for the 'but' in the first of those sentences. It being your first trip shouldn't contradict being fascinated by all of it. I'd chop that word and leave the 'yet' in later.
Watch your sentence startings. Your first few are 'I, I, But, Yet, I, And, A'. Usings so many pronouns and conjunctions (I finally learnt the proper words for them!  ) as startings, instead of verbs or nouns, can lend a listing feeling. I'd suggest re-phrasing a bit so you have some more verbs and nouns added in as sentence startings. This should help bring the piece out as a whole.
'A short while later I knew, as if I hadn’t already, that I certainly had never tried ' This phrasing seems awkward. It sounds like the 'as if I hadn't already' had been added on as an afterthought. I'd simplify it into something more straight-forward.
I think some more 'showing' near the start would help me enter the world of this piece. It feels as if you're telling me what's happening, but I don't know anything about the protag's age, gender, looks, interests, what's around him (apart from general things like 'airport' and 'road'.) If you could describe the road, whether it was busy or not, was it a country or city road, were there buildings or trees? What time of day/night, what type of car, were there pedestrians/bikes nearby, was the place run-down or lots of life? Just basic things to help provide a visual picture. As it is, it's a little hard to get into the story. Some of this might be more obvious to readers who know where 'Kerry' is (I'm from NZ, so I'm clueless on that  ), but it's still good to show a bit more.
'the bed and breakfast I’d be staying at had me turning off' We can assume the protag will be staying at it and this bit breaks up the flow a little.
It seemed to be a little rushed when he checked in. You've spent a lot of time writing about the car ride, but only a sentence getting him in the place he's staying, up the stairs and to his room. I would have liked to have known something about his interactions with the owner, to add more depth and some relationships in it. Even just a couple bits of dialouge, maybe a first impressions sentence, something like that. It would also help me know more about the protag by the way they act/communicate.
'Centered on one wall... fields a wee bit' The sentences in this are all approximately the same length and, with them being description as well, it creates a listing feeling. I'd suggest re-phrasing and mixing up lengths a bit.
'I needed to do., a journey' double bits of grammar, full-stop needs deleting.
'Now, don’t think... giggle of sound.' I like this sentence, but it's a bit of a run-on. I'd try and break it into two.
End Comments:
This was a pleasant piece to read and has some good potential. I think it needs a little more character development and some clearer descriptions, along with a bit of work on phrasing and flow, but then it could be a real gem. I'm happy to re-rate when you've edited, if you email me when you have. Good luck with editing, it has a nice base plot and good atmosphere which make me think it'll be a great piece in the end
Hope you found this helpful, keep writing!
Free_RIP
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
|
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
A consistent creepy feeling is built up. I get the image in my head when reading of this zombie with bloodshot eyes in a basement, staring into the distance with a half-smile as he taps something out on a typewriter without looking down. But that's probably just me. 
It really re-inforces the message and prevents the piece from being cliche.