I really like the rhyme at the very beginning of the lyric - it's a really good rhyme. Unusual. The start is good for drawing you into the lyrics, you can almost hear the music in your head. However, throughout this piece you constantly make the mistake of writing 'can't' as 'cant', and I suggest you fix that.
'And now its just a pain I cant relive.' You should never start a sentance with 'and' - it's bad grammar. I suggest changing this to 'Now it's just a pain I can't relieve', as relive doesn't make much sense in the context and you also need to change 'its' into 'it's'.
'And you should know at the very least,' Again with the 'and' thing, although I think that 'You should know at the very least' flow more smoothly, anyway. I did like the chorus, though. It's a very solid chorus, slightly melancholy and yet filled with slight wonder and hope. Very good.
'And what I would give just to make you mine.' Again, taking the 'and' out actually makes it flow better, though later on in the second verse I suggest taking out the period so this:
'Oh, if you only knew the strength of those words you said.
And now I know my life will lack.'
Turns into this:
'Oh, if you only knew the strength of those words you said,
And now I know my life will lack.'
Because the and is necessary to keep the rhythm. Just a simple punctuation change, there.
'Your my everything!!!!!!' Here, 'your' should be 'you're', and I know you want to emphasise your point, here, but one exclamation mark should be enough. You could always put 'everything' in bold using WritingHTML, if you think it needs more.
I really like the third verse - again with the melancholy touch. I see this with a haunting tune, I think. This verse is very sad. I really like the rhyming you use in it, too.
'Oh you were once my beauty,
in your heart though I’ll always remain a beast.
Your were once my greatest...
Yet I remain your least....
And still, you’re my everything...' The 'in' needs to be capitalised in accordance with the rest of the poem and the 'and' in the last line would do better with not being there. It would make the last line stronger, as it sort of feels like a weak end.
However, overall, I really liked the sad love story that this poem told. Well done.
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Shredded Rose |
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