Hello Angie,
I've read you poem and I'd like you to know how I felt about it. My thoughts are just my own, and you don't have to make the corrections based on them. You work is your art, keep it yours. These are just suggestions that you might or might not find helpful. But please do read.
Things that I liked :
You've expressed how you felt about the dead butterfly so well that I could feel it too. Writing what you feel gives your work a new dimension. And your poem has got that! Good work!
Syllable count, rhythm, and flow :
When I read the poem a second time , I realized that the flow breaks more often than not. This is simply because of the syllable count. It varies from 5-12 in your poem which is too much to maintain a smooth read. Try shortening the long lines or lengthening the short ones.
The rhyme scheme is also not consistent. Try finding out new words for the ones you've used using the thesaurus. That was you can stick to exactly what you want to say just by using words that rhyme. It'll make the poem a much better read. You'll see!
Things that can be improved :
You've maintained four lined stanzas throughout the poem except for the second stanza. Is that deliberate? Maybe it would sound better if you added a line or split the second line into two separate ones.
Overall impression:
I've loved the fact that you've written what you felt and made me feel the same. You've brought the dead butterfly to life in the form of your words. Great job on that!
Just a few changes in the syllable count and the rhyme scheme will make it a better read. Your poem will then be complete. I'd love to come back and see how to change it.
If any of the above does not agree with you, completely ignore it. Your poems are meant to be yours. Always.
Also,
I've been nominated for the
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1970602 by Not Available.
So it'd be great if you could go through my portfolio and have a look at my work. And if you like it, please vote for me!
Hello shaelyn,
I've read you poem and I'd like you to know how I felt about it. My thoughts are just my own, and you don't have to make the corrections based on them. You work is your art, keep it yours. These are just suggestions that you might or might not find helpful. But please do read.
Things that I liked :
Your poem is very relatable. Every person more than often feels like running away. I myself keep wanting a break from all the things that are happening to me. It's just too much to take. Thank God, we can write down our thoughts into a poem. It's probably the next best option.
Inspite of that, your poem makes me want to just leave everything. So it's moved me alright! Good work!
Syllable count, rhythm, and flow :
Maybe you should try to work on your syllable count. It'll make the poem a better read.
Your syllable count varies from 5-11 which is quite a big difference. Try reading your poem out aloud and see where the flow breaks. A simple way to fix the syllable count is to lengthen the short ines or shorten the long ones.
Things that can be improved :
I can see that you're not a very big fan of punctuation. But I think if you add them, you can get the reader to read your poem just the way you read it out to yourself. It makes your poem more expressive.
Overall impression:
You've written your thoughts. I can tell from reading your poem. That's the best part about writing. If you can feel your poem, so can the reader. And I did!
Just a few changes here and there, to improve the read of this poem. I can't wait to see the better version.
So just drop me a mail, and I'd love to come back and re-rate this poem.
If you don't agree to any suggestion, please just ignore it completely. Your poem is yor work of art. Keep it yours.
Also,
I've been nominated for the
"Invalid Item"
So it'd be great if you could go through my portfolio and have a look at my work. And if you like it, please vote for me!
Hello Hassan,
I've read you poem and I'd like you to know how I felt about it. My thoughts are just my own, and you don't have to make the corrections based on them. You work is your art, keep it yours. These are just suggestions that you might or might not find helpful. But please do read.
Things that I liked :
You've kept this poem so simple that makes it so beautiful!
There is a point in each of our lives when we wake up one day from a long sleep and realize things that we never have before. Everything seems different and we start being more serious about the way we look at things. So the content is great and each one of us can relate to it.
Syllable count, rhythm, and flow :
The poem is a nice read, but there are flow breaks here and there.
For example :
"One of these days,
You'll wake up from this slumber."
The first line is too short with a syllable count of just 4. Add 'coming' and see how it flows. The syllable count jumps to 6.
Here's what I think will sound good :
"One of these coming days,
you'll wake up from this slumber.
Realization will coast in,
leaving you in wonder."
You can try something like that which will make the syllable count perfect. This is just one of the many ways you can try.
In the second stanza, maybe you don't need to use 'these' in the second line.
This flows better:
"One after the other,
trivialities will pause.
What now is,
will soon be 'was'."
Things that can be improved :
I think apart from the flow, your poem is a great read!
Overall impression:
You've written a good poem which will be even better with a couple of changes I've mentioned above. Apart from those, I've found no problem at all!
Also,
I've been nominated for the
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1970602 by Not Available.
So it'd be great if you could go through my portfolio and have a look at my work. And if you like it, please vote for me!
Hello Richard!
I've read you poem and I'd like you to know how I felt about it. My thoughts are just my own, and you don't have to make the corrections based on them. You work is your art, keep it yours. These are just suggestions that you might or might not find helpful. But please do read.
Things that I liked :
You've written a deep and sad poem, but there are glimpses of hope which I love. You've built the poem well and I love the end. Good job on that!
Syllable count, rhythm, and flow :
You've maintained a aaaa rhyme scheme throughout the poem except in the second stanza. Maybe you can fix that and it will rhyme perfectly.
Also the syllable count in your poem is very fluctuating. It distracts the reader when the poem is read out loud. Maybe you should make the longer lines a bit shorter which will improve the flow.
For example,
The second stanza -
You can write it like this:
Into this lonely world, for you are me.
More beautiful than the stars will ever be.
A ray of warmth I slowly start to see,
the same we be, for I am you and you is me.
Another one,
The 6th stanza,
I would never have let go of your hand by that shore,
Never take away my eyes, never let you close that door.
I had never in my whole life felt this regret before,
I wish and I wish, I could kiss you just once more.
Things that can be improved :
You can read your poem out loud and see where it gets a little stretched. Change that line, without changing the meaning too much. And here's one more tip, don't lose out on the meaning of your poem just for the rhyming. You can use other rhyme schemes which give you a little more freedom to write what you feel.
Overall impression:
I think you've written a good poem. I can feel what you've tried to say through your words. And there is really nothing more a writer can ask for. Just a few small fixes and your poem will be great! I'd love to come back and re-rate this poem once you've worked on it a little more. Good work!
Also,
I've been nominated for the
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1970602 by Not Available.
So it'd be great if you could go through my portfolio and have a look at my work. And if you like it, please vote for me!
Hello Red,
I've read you poem and I'd like you to know how I felt about it. My thoughts are just my own, and you don't have to make the corrections based on them. You work is your art, keep it yours. These are just suggestions that you might or might not find helpful. But please do read.
Things that I liked :
You've brought the color red to life! You've done a brilliant job. Red is one of my favorite colors and so thanks for giving it a poetic form. The way you've ended your poem gives me goosebumps! I LOVE IT!
Syllable count, rhythm, and flow :
The poem does flow very well and there are hardly any breaks. The content is so good that it covers for it all!
Things that can be improved :
Your poem : He baked me a cake.
Overall impression:
I loved reading the poem and it feels great to have writers like you on writing.com! I'm going to make sure I read your work regularly. It's different and interesting!
Also,
I've been nominated for the
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1970602 by Not Available.
So it'd be great if you could go through my portfolio and have a look at my work. And if you like it, please vote for me!
Hello
I've read you poem and I'd like you to know how I felt about it. My thoughts are just my own, and you don't have to make the corrections based on them. You work is your art, keep it yours. These are just suggestions that you might or might not find helpful. But please do read.
Things that I liked :
You've written an inspiring poem and expressed your feelings well. Though it's not really possible to smile through your sorrow, I do think that it's better to let things go sooner than later.
Syllable count, rhythm, and flow :
There are many breaks in the flow here and there. Perhaps you should read the poem out loud and see where you get held up. Like for example :
you have written,
'that would have to be able to see
you smiling as you are walking around'
It'd sound better like this and also improve the flow,
'that would have to be able to see you
smiling as you are walking around'
OR
'that would have to be able to see
you smiling as you walk around'
There are a few more place, please read your poem again, and you'll see them!
Things that can be improved/corrected :
I've got quite a few spelling/typing errors in this piece.
Here they are :
In your poem description : through*
Second stanza, second line : change*
Second stanza, third line : see*
Fourth stanza, third line : see*
Overall impression:
I like the poem because you've expressed yourself well. Just try to make a few changes here and there to improve the flow and you poem will be good to go. I'd like to come back and take a look at this piece when you're done with your corrections.
Also,
I've been nominated for the
"Invalid Item"
So it'd be great if you could go through my portfolio and have a look at my work. And if you like it, please vote for me!
This is an interesting piece of free verse poetry! I like how you've written it as a story. In just a few simple words you've covered the prompt. And you've done it very well! I like the last 2 lines and they bring a smile on my face.
The poem also flows well and it didn't break any of the times that I read it out aloud. So great work!
Welcome to WdC! Hope you have a great time here. There's a lot of stuff to read and a lot to learn. Just start looking around.
Your poem is short and simple. I love those kind of poems. But this one is a bit too short. Maybe you can elaborate it a little more. That will give the reader a better feel of what you're trying to say. There is a lot more you can write considering how you've started. I don't have much to judge about this piece, but I will surely take a look at it once you've written more. I'll be looking forward to it.
This poem is amazing! I loved reading it. So much that I've read it 5 times now.
It's short and says a lot. I love keeping my own poems short and simple too. Because those are the kinds I love reading.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece of work. Great poetry.
This is a great group of great reviewers.
I myself have got a lot many reviews from this group that have made me feel welcome at WdC and have encouraged me to write better.
I wish to help the newbies out now by welcoming them myself, and making them feel the way you people made me feel. Which is great!
Keep up the reviewing and encouraging, the newbies need you guys.
I really like your work. This is definitely a short story. Incomplete, but it paints a nice picture in my head. Your words are simple and that's what I like best! Keeping it simple and telling a good story is a great thing to do, Keep up the good work!
Also take a look at my poem in which I've tried to paint a picture in the readers mind.
I'm new to Writing.Com. It's not even been a month since I've joined and thankfully I came across this article today.
You've explained how to get around and to get reviewed pretty well! This article is a great help to any newbie and I plan to post it on my review to any newbie I come across.
This poem ANYONE would be able to relate to! ;)
You've written it well, but it doesn't flow smoothly. Many of your lines are too long which breaks the flow.
I like the content of the poem but maybe you can just make these few corrections and it'll work out great for you!
This is a nice poem and I like it. You've maintained the rhyme scheme to abab except for the last stanza which is just 2 lines.
Some lines are too long which breaks the flow and can be fixed by either making the long ones shorter or short ones a little longer.
The content is good and a small few fixes will definitely make you poem great!
I like the way you've written the poem. You've used punctuation consistently throughout the poem and that guides the reader to read the poem exactly like you would out loud, to yourself.
The flow is good, however a few lines here and there are too big relative to the previous ones. Maybe you can either lengthen the shorter lines or shorten the longer ones. This will make your poem flow way better.
The painting this poem paints in my mind is beautiful!
It makes me feel great! So much that I read your poem twice!
This poem also inspires me.
I love these lines :
"A positive, hopeful, and winning approach
For the best is yet to come!"
Thank you for sharing.
Keep writing, keep inspiring,
This is the darkest shade of red that I've ever seen.
I love the way you've written this poem. It's funny how such a nice poem can be rated so low.
My favorite lines from this poem are :
"Loud like the howling wind,
dazzling like a lover's eyes,
breathtaking like an adrenaline rush,
deeper than the deepest seas,
fierce like a warrior tribe,
pulls you in, strong as swamp mud,
Red...is every drop of my blood."
I love this poem!
You've explained so much in such little words. This definitely deserves a 5!
The flow is perfect and reading it is so much fun that i read it twice, almost thrice!
Keep writing and one day you'll be just as good as me! :P
It's great how you've explained every color so beautifully and brought it to life by comparing it to the things around us.
This is my favorite line of your poem :
"I lie on my back and look up,
at the flakes that fall.
It hides everything around me,
the trees, the cars - covers them all.
White chills my bones."
That feeling of being in the snow must be wonderful!
Just one correction,
The earth puts* on quite the show.
I LOVE YOUR POEM! It's so simple and good. I love the way you've expressed the characters love, in just 7 lines.
It's brilliant how in less than 50 words you've been able to say everything you have to say.
The lesser the words you use to say something, the more powerful your words are!
Wow!
I've never read a poem which was so short and could say so much! It's amazing how just in five lines, you've managed to convey the message you want to give to the readers.
And yes, when we're young it always feels like our love won't die. But things do come in between and we have to part. But it's always for the better.
Sir,
Your writing truly touched my heart. Many people around us go through so much pain and suffering, so much as to lose their lives. And still we see people crying about not finding parking spaces or not being able to finish a job at work. If they think they're having a bad time, then what would hey say about the heroes that you've mentioned in your writing? Absolutely they're heroes!
We cry about such little things in life not knowing what some people actually have to go through. When we realize that, I don't think there will be a single day in our lives when we will complain.
I am sorry for your loss. I have lost a few close people too, just being an 19 year old. But you made me look at it from a much better point of view today. Those people I lost were actually heroes. And I miss them.
Thank you for sharing such a wonderful piece of work. And those beautiful pictures that bought the whole writing to life!
Your poem has a great message that moved me pretty much.
One thing you should take care of is not to lose the meaning of your words just for the sake of rhyming.
First try to understand what you're trying to say, and then write the words. Not the other way around.
You will quickly become a better writer.
Shubham
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