A little too "message" for my liking.
The large assumption that we all have unplumbed depths is perhaps 20% true. And most statistics are made up on the spot, or at least 50% of them are apparently, at least a bloke told me that down the pub.
The point is the last line did not really have the impact intended for two reasons:
1st it has been done a hundred times before. It is the same trick you see in every Hollywood thriller, the least likely suspect is the killer, so who do we suspect? The least likely suspect of course, and we suspect them from the first scene. Take this a step further and you get the countless stories where the 1st person POV turns out to be the serial killer; he/she believed they had innocently witnessed the murders of ten years ago but all the time the bodies had been in their boot. Or turn the arrogance up to 11 and the finger of blame points directly at the reader. Whichever way it happens we are all wearing the T-shirt.
2nd I am me, and I did not recognise the 'me' you accused me of. You have to identify a fundamental truth inherent in most people to pull a trick like that off. Maybe Derren Brown could, I couldn't.
But I see where you are coming from and what you were trying to do.
Not sure how to rate this so won't, but I am glad I read it.
I enjoy meat but my sister has been a vegan for quite some time. Our conversations on the subject extend as far as this 'don't put it (whatever vegan stuff) in that pan, its got beef juice in it'.
I must admit, when people who are more removed from my sister visit I stir s*** up and pretend she spends her weekends picketing outside abattoirs. If they take me seriously for more than a minute they are rarely invited back.
On occasion I have accidently served her egg wash on stuff, but on occasion she has also "accidently" eaten mussels.
It is a shame it seems to be an issue in your situation, but ignore the tossers and stick with it.
It is structured in rhyming couplets. If there were such a thing as a Nu-Metal Rhyming 101 Handbook you read it. I think I am the wrong demographic, sorry.
I really enjoyed this. There is a certain elegance in your writing.
I must admit, I was expecting the story to involve a bloke throwing a stone at his mate's window for a bit of nocturnal mischief, and did not quite anticipate that the mischief would be under the covers. The way you judged that element of suspense (the gay thing) was superbly handled and delivered. You did not over-play it, but you led the reader by the nose.
The problem was I did not think of one or the other as a ghost, or of it as a supernatural experience, I read it as two lovers catching up. If it is part of a larger piece this works perfectly (assuming this is handled elsewhere). As a standalone piece this seems out of place.
I really enjoyed this. I have no idea what 8th grade is, I'm English.
The suspense was palpable. You were asked to write in a suspenseful tone, if you had not been it would have become too much; I watched a crap sci-fi show lately where in every episode they had to escape a trap before the clock ran to zero, by episode three I was willing them to die. Point is if you over use a device it becomes impotent. But as I said I know that you were asked to make it suspenseful so lots of suspense is fine.
Look up Irony, and by the by (unrelated) Alanis Morrisette does not have the remotest clue what it means despite writing an entire song about it.
You had some really nice turn of phrase.
'But it stays still, just as all buildings should.' I liked the way you gave that conclusion its own paragraph.
Wanna know what 8th grade is, but all I would say is 60% of writing is talent, constructing pleasing, poetic, exciting prose, and the other 40% is experience, understanding people, situations and reactions. You seem to be most of the way there on the first 60%, the other 40% will come with time.
Technically I liked it and the alternating rhyme worked well technically, it just was not particularly emotive. I think it is more the actual words used; some of it comes across as too formal and clinical to create a real response. I realise in the pattern you have used it would be difficult to inject more gritty descriptions, but I would try.
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