Hello Julian,
Thank you for visiting "Invalid Item" !
I was kept very interested all throughout your play. I think it is very good!
Your description of the Contrador was excellent! It was well-written, and really creeped me out. Both your storyline and description were exceptional.
As far as layout goes, I think that you should start leaving blanks between paragraphs and when a new person speaks. It would keep this from running together and being hard on the eyes. Also, instead of listing it as a short story, I suggest you having it "static item >>script/play"
While the storyline is really entertaining, I had a few problems with some of the actions. For one, in this paragraph "The four stare in silence into the leaping flames. They watch intently as the serpentine flames begin to form shapes..." It doesn't make sense that they would stare into the flames. Wouldn't they be afraid? Especially if they started to see something frightening. Wouldn't they at least be spooked and look away? Or ask each other if they had seen it too?
Also, the ending caused me to question the story. How could a sword wound be confused with a knife one? The sword would be much deeper. Also, the man was just unconscious for hours? How did they not realize this? It is standard practice to check first thing for a pulse, and if he were thought dead he would have been taken to the morgue pretty fast.
I was also kind of confused with who was who as far as the Contrador. There seem to be two men involved with the volcano, one being the peasant and the other Balboa. When writing about the punishment of these two, I couldn't follow what was happening to whom.
Other then this, I enjoyed the story a whole lot.
Specifics
Eroll, one of the men in the house is significantly older than the other two.
It is already understood that Eroll is in the house, so I suggest taking that out to clean the sentence up some.
Eroll, one of the men, is significantly older than the other two.
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He was, as his closest friends called him, a crusty old son of a bitch.
In the rest of this you use present tense, so I change it here to be uniform.
He is, as his closest friends have called him, a crusty old son of a bitch.
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He has a certain whit and quickness to him, that gives him a sense of deep wisdom.
He has a certain whit and quickness to him, that gives him a sense of deep wisdom.
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The Third is tom, a middle-aged man who is the younger brother of Jules.
The third is Tom, a middle-aged man who is the younger brother of Jules.
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Tom is physically stronger than Jules, but he lacks the Jules’s intelligence.
either
Tom is physically stronger than Jules, but he lacks the Jules’s intelligence.
or
Tom is physically stronger than Jules, but he lacks the intelligence of Jules.
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The sheriff and some of his deputies stand in the middle of the street looking down at a body.
Even with this new paragraph, I was thrown off by the change in setting and character. I suggest opening this with a transition.
Outside, the sheriff and some of his deputies stand in the middle of the street looking down at a body.
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Dave is the man entering the house.
This, I really believe, is too much of a repetition of the previous sentence. To me, the best way to present this would be to do some rearranging.
Dave is middle aged, and in his recent years has learned that the gift of hearing is much more useful than speech. He is new to this little town, but is an old friend of the three inside the house.
or if you feel like Dave needs to be more clearly IDed as the man entering
The man is Dave, who is middle aged, and in his recent years has learned...
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Just as he mentioned the name Lucifer, the flames jumped, sending sparks flying out of the fire place, spooking the four men.
Goes back to past tense here
Just as he mentions the name Lucifer, the flames jump, sending sparks flying out of the fire place, spooking the four men.
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Eroll whispering : there be spirits among us, don’t you go conjuring more with your stories
Caps for "there"
Eroll whispering : There be spirits among us, don’t you go conjuring more with your stories
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The man cried out what are you doing and Balboa said, what will you give me if I save you.
Needs quotes; I think regular quoting is fine within this sort of dialogue.
The man cried out, "What are you doing?" and Balboa asked, "What will you give me if I save you?"
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But as his body burned and the pain became unbearable, the man with his last breath cried out, I’ll give my soul.
But as his body burned and the pain became unbearable, the man with his last breath cried out, "I’ll give my soul!"
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He gave him two swords of the exact shape and size and told him to kill.
He gave him two swords of the exact same shape and size and told him to kill.
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Eroll yells to the person at the door : What do you want!
Eroll yells to the person at the door : What do you want?
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Sheriff : this is the sheriff, I’m looking for witnesses.
Sheriff : This is the sheriff, I’m looking for witnesses.
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As soon as the sheriff enters, he is taken back by the immense flames in the fireplace.
"Enters" is a repeat here, I suggest replacing it.
As soon as the sheriff does, he is taken back by the immense flames in the fireplace.
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Don’t you think you ought to kill some of those flames, maybe bring it down a bit.
Don’t you think you ought to kill some of those flames, maybe bring it down a bit?
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Besides, don’t you want to know…don’t you want to see if he really exists, to see if the contra-
Besides, don’t you want to know…don’t you want to see if he really exists, to see if the Contra-
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Jules : No you didn’t. tauntinglyMaybe you a little tipsy when you saw it…
Jules : No you didn’t. tauntingly Maybe youwere a little tipsy when you saw it…
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Are you suicidal!
Are you suicidal?
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Just before the very top, the opening of the volcano, there is a door sized entrance.
Just before the very top, at the opening of the volcano, there is a door-sized entrance.
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Tom, yelling over the loud rumbling : you don’t have to do it!
Caps for start of speach
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A few seconds pass, and he looks up at Jules : it’s not worth your life, it’s not.
Caps
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Tom holds the musket tightly and run in after Jules.
Tom holds the musket tightly and runs in after Jules.
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holds the musket tightly and run in after Jules. Jules runs without knowing where he is going. He pays no attention to where he goes. H runs without care through what seems to be an endless tunnel,
There is a lot of repetition here both of heedlessness and running.
Jules runs without knowing where he is going. He pays no attention to where he goes. He rushes without care through what seems to be an endless tunnel,
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The flames slowly move toward them. Both men begin to sweat, either from fear or from the intense heat of the flames. The flames begin form shapes, human shapes. As Tom and Jules look with terrified faces at the flames, they see stretched, serpentine faces looking back at them.
Repetition of "flames" throughout this area. I suggest replacing some with pronouns.
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Sheriff with a slight chuckle : there was no murderer, there was no murder.
Capitalize
I like your dialogue a lot in general. It can be difficult to write in normal pieces, and even more so in a play where it is more focused on speach. You were very good at writing monologues convincingly. Since people don't usually speak for long periods at a time in life, it can be difficult to do. Great work!
The ending was especially enjoyable. Except for a few questions it raised, I think it was a perfect way to tie together the story. It made some of the previous actions and reactions make more sense, and way overall well done.
In general, excellent piece of work! You've got a great idea here, and superb play written around it.
Great writing
Lanen
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