I thought this was a really interesting piece and thoroughly enjoyed reading it from start to finish.
Your first paragraph really set the scene and I love the adjectives you've chosen (stark, elegant etc) and how you describe the poplars as sentinals. The only thing I would change is how the breaks squeled in ‘in stubborn obedience’; the personification seems a bit unnatural and for some reason it doesn't really mesh with the tone of the rest of the paragraph.
The following paragraphs are well crafted and the dialogue is strong. A few stylisitc things I'd change are:
"and fidgeted for the key" - now, perhaps this is a regional thing but to me, fidgeting means moving about uncomfortably when someone is bored, I just can't picture someone fidgeting for a key because to me, it doesn't make much sense.
"sauntered up the modestly steep lane. He smiled wryly as " - I think this is an example of a slight overuse of adverbs. I think too many tend to slow down the flow of the story.
"We’d best get started. We’ve got to move all this stuff to the auction house. Might be " - I think you could probably take out the middle sentence here as it seems like you're telling rather than showing. A few lines later, one of the characters mentions the auction house again which I'm sure would be sufficient to set up that aspect of the story.
And finally - "Should we work in a piece (of furniture) or two, Clew " - I would take the brackets right out of the dialogue - I think you don't really need the 'of furniture' clause anyway,
But enough of my nitpicking! Overall, I really enjoyed this story. I think the strongest part is the ending. I loved how you had the movers critisizing the family and talking about the wifes mayo at the same time - brilliant! It certainly made me cringe when she first hears them and I wasn't expecting the revelation at the end.
I look forward to seeing more of your work in the future!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/fingerbang
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 10:34am on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
