"is our God, our Father ,and can see" = comma error after Father.
As for the article, it didn't really move me, per se. You could have expanded on the emotional side of the loss of the son(s). I realize this is about God, that He is all powerful and all knowing, but to someone reading it who isn't a Christian or isn't familiar with the Bible, and who doesn't have those beliefs, you could really appeal to more readers just by hitting on the emotional (and physical) pain of the journey.
OMG this was hysterical! I've been a teacher for 13 years, but that first year - THIS WAS SO ME! This topic is so on point, not just for teacher, but for all recent graduate that find themselves in debt and jobless. You humour is almost lovable. I so enjoyed readying this. I think you should turn this into a longer piece - a sardonic view through the eye of a recent college grad. Great job!
I like it. It's too the point - inspirational almost, like a speech being given as a commencement address. It's always easier to stay with what we know, but usually better to take a step forward and go for it.
Gross. I have chicken stories from my childhood too. What is it with nightmare chickens? I think you could make this into a really funny memoir piece - really bring us into the story - make us feel what you felt.
It's very eloquent. Says exactly what it needs to say. I think there's a little piece of Kate in all of us - hoping for a little more time. The only negative I have is about the flashback paragraph. It's not offset, or italics or any indication that you're flashing back. It took a second to figure out that you had indeed, flashed.
Isn't it crazy that was have so much "stuff" and still feel like you have nothing to give? It's an all too familiar story. I just wrote a poem similar to this called "stuff" and how it is an addiction...one that sometimes takes precedence over family and friends
The third stanza of this poem is the most emotionally charged. IT's simple - naked with feeling.
I feel that some words choices made the overall emotion seem less honest....imbrued, enthralled, serenity, grievance. Don't get me worng...I'm a HUGE word-freak, but I think that a deeper pain could be portrayed with simplier words, in this case.
I like the memories....the repeating line. I did have trouble assimilating to the first stanza. I had to read it three times before I finally figured out what was going on. Maybe a stanza before this to ease us into the dialogue bit?
I think this is fantastic! FEAR - that's what keeps us all down...fear of rejection, fear of exposure, fear of our true feelings. I have been writing since I was 13 years old...it's how I dealt with the turmoil in my family...I've never really stopped. In 25 years, I have emassed great volumes of patially finished works, but have never had the strength to fully commit to any of them.
I love reviewing things on this site - I guess it's the teacher in me, but I feel like I might help someone achieve THEIR writing goals. Maybe it's just me hiding.
I really need to make a goal list, too. Thank you for giving me path.
The words are all there, but I didn't feel the emotion. To truly capture the feelings of depression, who have to be honest with the emotion - expose the nerves so to speak.
Wonderful! What a great personification of a piece of writing. Often, when we devote so much time and passion into a piece of work, we do fall in love with it - unable to see the flaws. Often, the best thing to do is to put it away and let it rest, revealing it later in a much harsher light.
The old saying: Show, don't tell, comes to mind when I read this. IT's all passive voice. For example, the third could be a more vivid read if it were put in active voice:
With my other hand I shieled my wound from the tautingly fierce, blowing wind.
No, it doesn't need to read just like that, but you get the idea. You're saying the same thing, just engaging the reader in an ACTIVE story. It makes or a more interesting read.
I like the idea of this poem, but it just doesn't seem to flow to me. You have no set meter, which is fine in itself, but you have some stanzas that have a rhyme scheme and some that don't, so it's awkward to read. Maybe a little revamping?
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 8:48am on Nov 24, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "