This is so beautiful. I can definitely feel the emotion you as I was reading. Perhaps because this piece was inspired by someone so dear to you? I love how you described her with a mixture of admiration and realistic observations. Most love poems I read make the protagonist to seem almost perfect. But I love how this describes an actual person and not just another too good to be true character. Best of luck to you!
You have a great start there. It was intriguing and begged attention from the reader which I like to think is a sign of a great story. After all, first few lines are how you get them hooked. The more I read on, the more the story seems to be like a dream. think that with a little more solid drafting of the plot and cleaning up the presentation, it's turn out really well. Best of luck! :)
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