This was a cute story. For the most part, it flowed well. It was a little choppy in the beginning and towards the end. The ending seemed a little abrupt, as well as the events right before. It broke the flow of the story a little bit when Amy seemingly just disappeared and somehow ended up in the water. I understand the plot device you were using, but I think it could have been done a bit more smoothly.
There were a few grammatical errors throughout the piece. Some misplaced punctuation and misused words. I'll try to point out as many as I can find.
“Yes mother I’m sure.” should be "Yes, mother, I'm sure."
"We got to get going." should be either "We have" or "We've" whether or not you prefer the contraction.
"I had just helped Mr. Patterson and Ted put one of the tents" seems to be missing a word. Perhaps it was supposed to be "I had just helped Mr. Patterson and Ted put away one of the tents"?
"It seem as if" should be "It seemed as if"
"a she had cut her hair, it was nice and straight." Two things with this. It should be separated into 2 sentences, and the "a" should be "and." So it would read "and she had cut her hair. It was nice and straight."
"We soon had all the tents, luggage, coolers, etc." The abbreviation "etc." is out of place here and interrupts the flow of the sentence.
"I was turning to tell her something when I a shock hit me." Not sure if either "I" or "a" were supposed to be in this sentence, but both definitely interrupt its flow.
"She had got breast." Should be "She had gotten breasts." Or perhaps even "developed breasts."
"I was certain I would get caught starring." "staring" is misspelled.
"and a very tall long hill behind us." should have a comma after "tall."
“Yeah, I hear you can cliff dive over there, Ted added" You forgot the end quotes.
"I tried my best to match the Patterson men. While Amy and Mrs. Patterson started setting some things up" This section is choppy. Would read better as "I tried my best to match the Patterson men while Amy and Mrs. Patterson started setting some things up."
"While a radio blared some classic rock music, Mr. and Mrs. Patterson and Ted sat relaxing drinking beers. That had chilled in the ice chest." Similar situation here. Should read ". . . sat relaxing, drinking beers that had chilled . . ."
"Amy and me" should be "Amy and I."
"I wanted to ask if she thought it I had thrown it far." There's and extra "it' in the sentence.
“Me and Dave are going on a hike, mom. Lacking end quotes.
"We tore threw leaves and twigs" should be "We tore through . . ."
"I was watching the horizon when my eyes caught sight of Amy’s budding breast I couldn’t take my eyes away." Perhaps split this into 2 sentences.
“What do you mean,” should have a question mark.
"Amy replied compacting herself a turning slightly away." Is the "a" supposed to be "and"?
“Have you every kissed a girl?” "every" should be "ever"
". . . catch me first she,” she said . . ." should read ". . . catch me first," she said . . ."
"I should just kiss her. I thought to myself. I can’t. I’ll make a fool of myself. I continued to debate with myself, in my head, when suddenly things started to grow dark. We both glanced skyward. Storm clouds had blotted out the blue sky and sun." It took me a second to realize that this section contained Dave's actualy thoughts. For clarification, you should put thoughts in either single quotes or italics.
"how worried, Amy’s parents were." No comma needed here.
I think I caught all of the grammatical stuff. Otherwise, this was a pretty good portrayal of what middle school age kids go through when it comes to young love. The characters interacted well together. The only thing I would suggest would be to make the beginning and end a little less choppy.
I was expeciting this to be in the p.o.v. of "the hero," but was pleasantly surprised when it was the thief. I love how the entire piece revolves around Keenan and the lengths he will go to in order to avoid failure. I especially liked the litte bit of humor thrown in there about how the guards were oblivious to him "needing" the sword. The story itself flows well and it's easy to follow Keenan's thought process.
However, the ending did seem a little odd. From what little I learned about the thief in this short piece, I still don't see him breaking down into tears at his failure. Perhaps that would be a good spot for more of an internal dialogue as to why he would be so emotional. I would see him being more angered than anything else.
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