This is a somber account of the events of September 11, 2001. It is, also, a reminder of the unity we felt but seem to be forgetting with the passing of time.
You appear to be establishing a pattern that, with some "tweaking," I believe, could give a solid foundation to the poem. With that in mind, I offer the following suggestions for your consideration:
"A time for tears,
A time for anger,
A time for pain.
That day when so many died,
Four hi-jacked planes flew in,
Heroes and heroines tried,
It ended in ruin.
Such screams, then no sound.
And death all around.
It's time to remember
That day in September.
A time to think,
A time to renew,
A time to tell.
A That day when lives were shattered,
Many hearts were broken,
Every single life mattered,
They weren't Not just a token.
Not artificial,
Not sacrificial,
It's time to remember
That day in September.
A time for change,
A time now for prayer,
A time for peace.
Many on that day so manywere lost,
They all just disappeared.
We can never No way to count the cost.
And in the way as I feared,
Government Now political issues
Have replaced tissues.
It's time to remember,
That day in September.
A time for tears,
A time for anger,
A time for pain."
The result is a syllabic pattern of: 4-5-4, 7-6-7-6, 5-5, 6-6 that is repeated twice.
You anchor the poem, in my opinion, by repeating the first 3 lines at the end. Even as we have learned new information and had time to process it, the event should still evoke tears, anger, and pain.
I do question the use of:
"Not artificial; not sacrificial."
Maybe my mind is not in its best working order (due to the flu), but I don't understand the choice of "artificial." In regard to "sacrificial," I would suggest some (the rescuers, perhaps) did act sacrificially. However, if you are referring to the attackers, I would agree that it was "not sacrificial," from my perspective.
Thank you for calling us to remember what is significant. Oh, for thoughtful openness, respectful disagreement and peaceful discourse; in a perfect world . . . .
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