\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/fate
Review Requests: OFF
3 Public Reviews Given
3 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Hawaii's LAHAINA  Open in new Window.
Review by fate Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
A fine few sentences, certainly aiding in the effort to bring attention to the difficulties currently impacting Hawaii.

In regards to the writing itself, it felt a little disorganized. With a brief edit, this is a suggestion for how the second paragraph could be approach being better (it's still not perfect though):

Smoke hangs over the remains of the Lahaina district. Established in the 1700s, growing into the largest community on Hawaii's West, this small city has been reduced to nothing but ash and rubble. Mere days ago, vibrant colors, island life and flocks of tourists populated the bustling streets amongst the historical buildings and harbors. All that now remains are the burnt foundations of thousands of lives.
2
2
Review of Miss October  Open in new Window.
Review by fate Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
Fine for a novice poem, but has many telltale signs of inexperience. Everyone has to start somewhere, and it's good you've started, and put the work out there for feedback.

Ultimately, this poem is simply cliched. I'm sure the lines 'Even though we are far apart, you are still in my heart' might have been written by every aspiring English poet when they first started. It's not that you're wrong in doing it, it's just what makes your progress so apparent to everyone who's been writing for years. If you want to radically progress I recommend experimenting with subjects that aren't so oversaturated, and different structures and processes for the cadence, rhyming and semantics.
3
3
Review by fate Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Cause for interesting introspection regarding the stigmas around self-admiration and awareness. As poetry is often best recited in the voice of the author, it can sometimes be difficult to find the right cadence without such context, which is something I struggled to do here. This is in no way a demerit for the work, but for myself. Perhaps it was because of this, though, that I found some of the language choices a bit erratic and jolted, pulling me away from the sentiment and towards the semantics.

Regardless, as alluded to before, I did find the radically different perspective to what is customary quite nice. While turning to literature that echoes of all that has come before can be cozy, and stories and poetry that reaffirms who I am can be comforting, none of these effectively bring about new ideas and ideals, and seeing narcissism portrayed positively has definitely done that here.

There is obviously no 'right' or 'wrong' when capturing a disposition - especially ones that can carry so much nuance. However, seeing narcissism and self-awareness and positivity is so starkly contrasted to the usual sentiment. Normally, narcissism is told from the perspective of someone else, and the characters with those traits are obvious and oblivious regarding them. It's usually that lack of self-awareness or vitriolic self-denial that fosters the harshly negative behaviour. The few narcissistic people that have the self-awareness and the aptitude to change, often only change the facade they portray, to better hide their self-imposed importance.

This poem somehow manages to shirk all that, and illuminates perhaps why narcissism has become such a tragically toxic trait. In its roots, narcissism is self-preservation. In the global competition we're all competing in, its value has only escalated, while education around the matter has served to alienate those to are predisposed to such conditions and cognitions. Perhaps its perspectives like this that could see these people more healthily address these drives for self-preservation.
3 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/fate