IN MY OPINION
I was initially confused but ended up liking this poem.
WHAT I LIKED
I really liked how you described the intense thoughts and feelings. I also found it very interesting how the writer admits to creating a monster with their own actions (lying, betrayal, cheating, etc.).
WHAT I DISLIKED
I got a little confused after the following stanza:
"I lied.
I was dishonest.
I betrayed you.
I cheated."
The piece starts off like a regular love poem. It then goes it to the "betrayal" and you question the other person, not taking responsibility for your own actions. It seems very logical to me that a person would change and stop loving someone if they were cheated on and lied to. It isn't until the end that the writer admits to being responsible for creating a monster.
GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATIONS/TYPOS
None that I noticed.
SUGGESTIONS/COMMENTS
I would suggest that you include the idea that you created a monster somewhere in the poem, BEFORE the ending. I think it would make the piece stronger if you added the phrase "the monster I created" throughout the poem somehow, acknowledging your part in it. Just an idea.
- This review is offered in the spirit of giving you honest feedback. Nothing more. Nothing less. -
THANK YOU FOR SHARING!!!
Please Note: I have rated your item with the following guidelines in mind ' "Comment-In-A-Box"
IN MY OPINION
This was a well written poem full of emotion. I felt the passion of the love AND the devastation of the heart break. Good job!
WHAT I LIKED
I initially read your poem because of the description. It intrigued me. Anything about heartbreak usually does. The subject matter was heart wrenching. I believe many women who read this poem will be able to relate to this type of "broken love." I think the words and phrases you used really show how dysfunctional this relationship was. I can remember feeling this kind of love. At the same time, I could totally feel your pain.
WHAT I DISLIKED
There was nothing I really "disliked" about your poem. But I have some ideas you could incorporate into your existing piece. Please see SUGGESTIONS below.
GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATIONS/TYPOS
You have a typo at:
He kept a bottled in his hand. Should be bottle.
SUGGESTIONS/COMMENTS
The following are just suggestions. Everyone has their own ideas on how a piece should be written. In no way am I trying to say my ideas are better. Just something different you can think about.
Where you write:
He kept a bottle in his hand,
while a razor stayed at my wrist
The rhythm seems a little off. I believe you could have better rhythm there if you change it to:
He kept a bottle in his hand,
I kept a razor at my wrist
Where you write:
Our love was as dead as half the stars
shining in the sky
I completely understand that stars shine long after they are dead. But the word "shine" really takes away from the idea that your love was dead. Is there another way you could write it with out using the word shine? I just think it would have a stronger impact if you didn't refer to the stars as shining.
Where you write:
Now though, I've known hopeless love,
I think "now" is unnecessary. It messes with the rhythm. I think it would sound just as good if you wrote "Though, I've known hopeless love,"
One last nit-picky thing...The title is good but I think it would be better titled "Broken Love."
- This review is offered in the spirit of giving you honest feedback. Nothing more. -
IN MY OPINION…
I think this is an excellent poem. I am so proud of you.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the subject matter and how you made it dark yet positive.
WHAT I DISLIKED
Nothing really.
GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATIONS/TYPOS
None that I saw.
SUGGESTIONS/COMMENTS
This is a great poem for a 16 year old girl. Keep on writing!
- This review is offered in the spirit of giving you honest feedback. Nothing more. Nothing less. -
IN MY OPINION…
This is a fantastic poem. I completely understand why you won Writer's Cramp.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked everything about this poem.
WHAT I DISLIKED
I usually try to find one thing about a piece I don't like. I couldn't think of anything.
GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATIONS/TYPOS
None that I saw.
SUGGESTIONS/COMMENTS
I really enjoyed this poem. It was not only a great poem, it was also interesting and educational. You did a great job with this prompt. You should be proud of yourself.
- This review is offered in the spirit of giving you honest feedback. Nothing more. Nothing less. -
MY FAVORITE LINE
Swallow the last of the happy memories saved in writing.
MY LEAST FAVORITE LINE
Some nights they appear almost extinguished. = The only reason I don't like this line is because it doesn't go along with the poem. You talk about the fire exploding and engulfing. There should be some climax at the end. The word "extinguished" makes this fall flat.
GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATIONS/TYPOS
None that I saw.
SUGGESTIONS/COMMENTS
I would change the last line. Get out a good thesaurus and use a word that is comparable to explode or engulf.
- This review is offered in the spirit of giving you honest feedback. Nothing more. Nothing less. -
WHAT I LIKED
I like your description of your relationship with Mr.O.
WHAT I DISLIKED
It's a little choppy. Doesn't flow as nicely as I would like.
GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATIONS/TYPOS
None that I saw.
SUGGESTIONS/COMMENTS
This is a good piece. I think with some revisions, you can make it a great piece.
- This review is offered in the spirit of giving you honest feedback. Nothing more. Nothing less. -
IN MY OPINION…
This is a very well written heartbreaking poem.
WHAT I LIKED
I like the intensity of this poem.
My favorite line is: she died without love.
WHAT I DISLIKED
I usually try to find at least one thing I dislike about a piece. There is absolutely nothing I dislike. So I'll just tell you what my least favorite part is:
When she couldn't run away
and staying equaled abuse
GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATIONS/TYPOS
None that I saw.
SUGGESTIONS/COMMENTS
First of all, I thought I had already reviewed something of yours. But now I am not so sure. I'm glad I spent some time in your port today. I totally enjoyed the read. BTW, I am not giving you this rating due to the fact that we know each other. It truly is a solid 5 stars.
- This review is offered in the spirit of giving you honest feedback. Nothing more. Nothing less. -
Item Reviewed – Self-loathing is a complicated issue
IN MY OPINION…
This is an emotional, heartbreaking and authentic piece.
WHAT I LIKED
I like how believable it is. It feels like I know this person; like I'm in their head.
WHAT I DISLIKED
The third paragraph (They assure you...) - It seems to be a stronger piece without it. For some reason, the part where you say "It stings you, because they’re telling you you’re just being silly;" seems to take away from the piece. It makes it feel less serious.
The beginning doesn't flow as nicely as the middle and the end. Not really sure why.
GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATIONS/TYPOS
None that I saw.
SUGGESTIONS/COMMENTS
Keep on writing! I really enjoyed your piece!
- This review is offered in the spirit of giving you honest feedback. Nothing more. Nothing less. -
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the theme of the poem.
I liked the repetition of "tick tock, tick tock."
WHAT I DISLIKED
I have done this for eleven years, why do I think it will always be different?=It should be two sentences.
GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATIONS/TYPOS
Is there a reason you aren't using capitals?
SUGGESTIONS/COMMENTS
I think you should go through this piece and edit it.
- This review is offered in the spirit of giving you honest feedback. Nothing more. Nothing less. -
IN MY OPINION…
I liked this piece. I thought it was humorous.
WHAT I LIKED
I enjoyed the story line.
WHAT I DISLIKED
I wouldn't put your address on the piece.Better be safe.
The only think I disliked was this sounds more like a conversation with a friend rather than a written piece. It feels very informal. It's just my personal opinion. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that.
GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATIONS/TYPOS
There are a few punctuation mistakes, but I'm sure you can find them with careful editing. If not, let me know.
Between the third and fourth paragraph there should be a line space.
SUGGESTIONS/COMMENTS
This review is offered in the spirit of giving you honest feedback. Nothing more. Nothing less.
IN MY OPINION…
This probably could be a good poem if it was formatted.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the subject and theme of the poem.
WHAT I DISLIKED
The poem needs to be formatted:
i saw her
when i was ready to stand on my legs ready to face the world
the world i was scared to face
GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATIONS/TYPOS
You need to go through the poem and edit it. The "purposeful" misspellings make it very difficult to read (ie. i don one whr to go)
SUGGESTIONS/COMMENTS
Format and edit this poem. I will gladly come back and re-rate it then.
- This review is offered in the spirit of giving you honest feedback. Nothing more. Nothing less. -
IN MY OPINION…
This was quite an interesting poem.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the theme and the story.
WHAT I DISLIKED
Not all the words are true rhymes. One example: identity and correctly.
GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATIONS/TYPOS
None that I saw.
SUGGESTIONS/COMMENTS
I suggest you go back over this piece and try to make the words rhyme a little better. But overall, it is a good poem.
- I am just a humble writer myself. I would never be so vain to think my ideas are better than someone else’s.-
WRITE ON! You are a good writer.
WHAT I DISLIKED
Well, there was nothing I necessarily disliked. I just think you need to expand this piece. It's not a complete scene yet. Keep working on it.
GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATIONS/TYPOS
None that I saw.
SUGGESTIONS/COMMENTS
My only suggestion is to keep writing and finish this piece.
- I am just a humble writer myself. I would never be so vain to think my ideas are better than someone else’s.-
WRITE ON! You are a good writer.
IN MY OPINION…
I have a question: Why is this so short? Did the contest require it to be this short?
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the theme of the poem.
WHAT I DISLIKED
I don't like how short it is. I think you can expand this a great deal. Also, it sounds repetitive and the title doesn't seem to go with the poem.
GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATIONS/TYPOS
None that I noticed.
SUGGESTIONS/COMMENTS
I would do two things. One, expand the poem. Two, think about using another phrase other than "this world with me," so it doesn't sound so repetitive.
- I am just a humble writer myself. I would never be so vain to think my ideas are better than someone else’s.-
WRITE ON! You are a good writer.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked how it felt like song lyrics. Very well done.
WHAT I DISLIKED
Nothing really. But I do feel like you can expand this piece.
GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATIONS/TYPOS
None that I saw.
SUGGESTIONS/COMMENTS
My only suggestion is to expand this poem...maybe turn it into song lyrics. Also, you could give it a chorus. It really does seem like a song.
- I am just a humble writer myself. I would never be so vain to think my ideas are better than someone else’s.-
WRITE ON! You are a good writer.
WHAT I LIKED
I enjoyed reading your thoughts on the subject matter.
WHAT I DISLIKED
I think you can expand this piece. It is too short.
GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATIONS/TYPOS
None that I noticed.
SUGGESTIONS/COMMENTS
My only suggestion is to expand this piece to fit more of an article style editorial. This piece just seems too short.
- I am just a humble writer myself. I would never be so vain to think my ideas are better than someone else’s.-
WRITE ON! You are a good writer.
IN MY OPINION…
You should probably reword some of this so the meaning is a little clearer.
WHAT I LIKED
My favorite part of the poem is:
When you stop loving,
you stop living
WHAT I DISLIKED
It's a little confusing. I didn't understand the last line = is a man we hardly know!!!
Feel free to email me and explain the poem in more detail so I can get a better understanding of it.
GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATIONS/TYPOS
Title should be Grey World.
SUGGESTIONS/COMMENTS
- I am just a humble writer myself. I would never be so vain to think my ideas are better than someone else’s.-
WRITE ON! You are a good writer.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked that you talked about God and how he blessed you. God is good all the time!
WHAT I DISLIKED
I don't like how the first sentence sounds.
"My landlord felt me a heavy nasty blow!"
Your landlord can't "felt" you a heavy blow. He "gave" you a heavy blow.
GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATIONS/TYPOS
Turning to God helped me very Mich! = very much!
SUGGESTIONS/COMMENTS
I'm sorry if this actually happened to you. I will pray that God puts a hedge of protection around you.
- I am just a humble writer myself. I would never be so vain to think my ideas are better than someone else’s.-
WRITE ON! You are a good writer.
IN MY OPINION…
You should win this contest. Great job with the prompt.
WHAT I LIKED
I really liked the story. I especially liked the repetitiveness of the part with the rabbit coming out of the hat. Kids love it when stories repeat. They learn to memorize the words and it makes them feel like they're reading.
WHAT I DISLIKED
Nothing.
GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATIONS/TYPOS
None that I saw.
SUGGESTIONS/COMMENTS
Again, great job with the prompt. I hope you win.
- I am just a humble writer myself. I would never be so vain to think my ideas are better than someone else’s.-
WRITE ON! You are a good writer.
BTW, I just started a new contest today. Come check it out!
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1949221 by Not Available.
WHAT I LIKED
I really thought you did a great job with this poem.
WHAT I DISLIKED
Nothing really. The only thing I can think of is that it didn't move me. That's it.
GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATIONS/TYPOS
None that I saw.
SUGGESTIONS/COMMENTS
- I am just a humble writer myself. I would never be so vain to think my ideas are better than someone else’s.-
WRITE ON! You are a good writer.
IN MY OPINION…
A nice short poem, but missing something.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the subject matter and the simplicity of the poem.
WHAT I DISLIKED
It felt like it was "part" of a poem. It doesn't feel complete. It feels like you're missing the ending.
GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATIONS/TYPOS
None that I noticed.
SUGGESTIONS/COMMENTS
I would continue this poem. Maybe try to find a fitting ending for it. "Of friends" just doesn't seem like the end.
- I am just a humble writer myself. I would never be so vain to think my ideas are better than someone else’s.-
WRITE ON! You are a good writer.
WHAT I LIKED
Everything. It makes me want to get to know you better.
WHAT I DISLIKED
Nothing
GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATIONS/TYPOS
None that I saw.
SUGGESTIONS/COMMENTS
I look forward to getting to know you. BTW, I couldn't find the item you listed as your favorite in the CYAW Group Application. Can you email it to me in bitem format?
-Take it or leave it. I am just a humble writer myself. I would never be so vain to think my ideas are better than someone else’s.-
WRITE ON! You are a good writer.
Please kindly stop by my port and review one of my items. I haven’t written anything in over 3 years. I’m just getting started again. Please take that into account. I have current and older pieces.
One of my current pieces is:
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IN MY OPINION
WHAT I LIKED
WHAT I DISLIKED
GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATIONS/TYPOS
SUGGESTIONS/COMMENTS
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
I haven’t written anything in over 3 years. I’m just getting started again. Please take that into account. I have current and older pieces.