This is lovely, in a wistful, haunted way. I don't know whether this is supposed to be about a ghost, a living person who is dead emotionally, or a mix of both! But the ambiguity helps. I particularly liked the line "I died in this room"--the placement makes it both surprising and chilling.
I have a few questions/suggestions.
A couple of your lines confuse me. For instance, in the first stanza, you say "Ignoring me as I have grown accustomed." Do you mean that the "life" that "goes on around me" has grown accustomed to the narrator, or that the narrator has grown accustomed to the life going around? I think you should rephrase for clarity.
Another confusing line is "There is only the blank void I live from now on." Do you mean "live IN"? Or perhaps, "WHERE I live"?
Also, I know that punctuation is very fluid in poetry, but I suggest that you change the line "I have not left it, I gave up long ago" to "I have not left it; I gave up long ago." The semi-colon is the correct punctuation, and it gives the phrase an extra pause so the reader can savor the heaviness of the line.
I also suggest that you go through and see if you can eliminate a few "to be" verbs--you have a lot of "is"--and some "it"s. I think that you can strengthen the poem by strengthening your verbs.
Finally--I know, I know, I'm super picky!--I think that you should consider format changes. This one is DEFINITELY just for fun--you might like seeing your poem centered, or on the right, or even changing the alignment of each line or paragraph. Format can help influence the way your reader perceives the poem.
Overall, this is very nice. I like your parallel use of ellipses at the beginning and end, and you have a great tone.
Just...rock. Wow. This is the most completely hilarious vampire story I've ever read. I'd never thought about vampires having allergies to blood before, but it's a valid point, isn't it? And I loved crazy Leonard--the antithesis of Lestat.
Ooooh, so difficult to choose. So many of these are irritating, but I had to vote for the vampires who wear all black and are morbid and depressed. This seems to be a favorite, particularly among gothily-inclined 13-year-olds who have no writing abilities, talk in n3tsp33k, and drool over liekANGST.
The werewolf was a close second, though.
Welcome to Writing.Com! It's great to have you here.
This is a really good poem, though it's in a rather rough form. You have a solid rhyme scheme, though it changes sometimes, and your rhythm is pretty consistent. A few nitpicks:
1) Always capitalize your I's--lowercase I's are very distracting.
2) In the third to last line, "Before" is spelled "Befor." In the second line of the third stanza, "notes" should be "note's."
3)You have a few misplaced commas, such as in the repeated line "No, he will never, leave me alone"--you don't need the second comma.
On the up side, here are some things I really liked:
1) The rhyme scheme changes a little bit, giving it a "free verse" feel without taking out the balance and smoothness the rhyme creates.
2) The lines "I see his face behind the mirror,/
I can't escape his haunting passion" give me shivers!
In sum, this is a great sketch of a poem--flesh it out, fiddle around, see what works and what doesn't. And be confident in yourself, especially in your summary--you manage "haunting" very well. I'm putting this on my favorites list, and I hope to see it updated soon. Write on!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/fairy14
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.06 seconds at 2:47am on Nov 13, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
