Hey! Thanks for inviting me to review this. I think it's really cool you read these at open mic nights. I didn't even know that was a thing.
The story here is cute, funny and entertaining. I can really relate to choosing donuts over exercise.
I think the story would have even more entertainment appeal with some more details. I don't know how limited your time is, but adding things like what kind of coffee/donuts you had would give the story a more personal vibe. Props if you can keep the kind of sassy tone you used to describe the jogger to describe other elements of the story. You also might try adding in a little self deprecating humor so it's not just making fun of a stranger outside.
The writing itself was tight and clear. Overall I enjoyed reading this piece.
Oscar Wilde is absolutely one of my favorite authors and biggest celebrity crushes, so of course I had to read this. It does read like a love letter to Oscar Wilde, which I appreciate.
I don't know a tremendous amount of biographical information about Wilde, and certainly none about his wife, but I can imagine that relationship must have been...complicated? Wilde very famously went to jail for having homosexual affairs--one of history's great injustices. This didn't even seem to hint at anything other than perfect marital bliss. I wish it dove a little deeper into what it must have been like to be married so talented and witty and pompous and flamboyant.
Props:
Your story has good bones. A sci-fi political drama is an ambitious undertaking that I doubt I myself would have the bravery to attempt. You're very good at "sci-fi terms" by which I mean naming imaginary future devices. This talent especially shines at the end of the piece, "Your credits may keep you off the prison planet and the higher status orbital" is a good example of your skill with this.
Advice:
Some of your sentences would benefit from a bit of wrangling. The first sentence of this story is quite a doozy. There is a lot of information thrown at me all at once, it's unclear and confusing and threw me for a loop early on. Succinctness can really help the clarity of a story. For example, "others who want to be our next leader" is a phrase you use several times. This could be replaced by "aspiring leaders." Or, "you did many things that said you would do anything to get what you wanted" could be replaced by "you showed us your hunger for power."
I was craving more description throughout the entire story. Especially when it comes to terms we don't have in the real world. "Air passages" for example, I assume are like air ducts but since Vancent sneaking around in them is so important to the story it would really help if I had a solid visual of what they were. The "spaces between rooms" is another setting important to the plot that I have no clue what this means. There wasn't a description of a single character except Vancent and even his did not have enough detail for me to get much of an idea of what he looks like.
Near the end there is a section, "A thin blue beam came out...the room where Thantia and Plaic are" I don't have advice on how to make this paragraph better because I honestly have no idea what is happening. I think this is one of those times where a description of the setting would really help me follow the actions the characters are taking.
There is a part where the characters say "secrets and lies" a lot in a very short period of time. Some variety would be good here. "secrets and lies" could also be referred to as demons, ghosts, skeletons, etc.
I know that Karrena and Vancent are speaking telepathically so technically everything they are saying is a thought. However, I think this should still be treated as dialogue for formatting purposes. As in, starting a new paragraph when a character speaks. On that note sometimes you use "" around their telepathic messages and sometimes you do not. I'm not sure which is grammatically correct but definitely you should pick one and use it uniformly through out the story.
I found it kind of strange how Thantia, who I understand is meant to be this evil, powerful and power hungry politician, is so quick to shrug off something as suspicious as an inexplicably open air vent in her bedroom and immediately proceeds to discuss her secrets with a lackey in the vicinity of said air-vent. I think it undermines the character making her seem foolish and easily outwitted rather than an intimidating villain.
Overall:
A solid rough draft which with some revision and description should really shine.
A very interesting format that I have not seen before. I commend you for being able to tell a cohesive story through nothing but dialogue. For the most part the dialogue flows well with only a few moments I thought came across jarringly unnatural ("I'm just mad at you right now" for example.) You did mark this as LGBTQ+. I understand the conceit of cross-dressing runs throughout and there is an implication of switching gender roles, but to be honest, the characters themselves come across as traditionalists who are not very comfortable with queerness ("I'd rather wear your tux then at least the pictures would look normal!") Maybe this was your intention, but thought I'd mention it just incase it was not.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 4:34pm on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "