Really cool poem! I didn't even know half of these monsters until I read this! I think you did a good job describing the monsters in this poem, especially with "disinegrating corpses" and demon spawn "that gurgle while inhaling every breath."
Great job. Write on.
Wow, I really liked reading your poem! You were able to put the concept of time slipping away into words perfectly. But instead of the poem being sad because of that, it was happy because of people celebrating New Years Day and making memories.
Really nice piece- I enjoyed reading it! Write on, and happy New Years.
I really liked reading your poem. I especially like the lines: "Oh I should mourn this broken bowl,
instead I taste the porridge—
its unexpected soul."
I think this was a good parting line for the end of the poem. It also really connected the porrige in the bowl to Grandma not being gone. I thought of Grandma dying when you talked about mourning the broken bowl. When someone dies, we're supposed to be really sad because we're never going to see them again- but they're still with us, so we shouldn't mourn when we see things that remind us of them.
Really nice piece- and I'm sorry about your grandma.
This is a very good poem, and I really liked reading it.
I really like the continuous "drip drip" in this poem- it gave the poem a rythym. I also like when you aknowledged that the dripping sound had ceased because that emphasized the turning point in the poem, when you told about your lover leaving you. Also, I like the line, "My heart died with her" at the end of the poem. I think that was a good parting line at the end.
Really, there is no part of this poem that I don't like- every word fits perfectly. Great piece, the best I've read on this site.
I really liked reading this story. It was interesting. I especially liked the ending, when Fred heard the sound again even after he moved out of his apartment. It was funny that he thought of how great it would be to start over, and then he heard the sound.
One thing I would've changed in this story is I would've made the tone lighter. The ending of your story was funny, (not to mention the part when Beth and everyone laughed at Fred because of all the stuff his parents sent him!) and I think it would've been great if the rest of the story shared that tone. (Like, when Fred was looking for the key, you could have emphasized how crazy he must have looked running around the apartment.)
Other than that, I liked reading the story. Really nice piece!
Thanks for writing this- great advice. :)
I think this is really going to help me, because creating the structure of a story has always been my weak-point. I'll definitely think of this the next time I'm writing one! :D
Hi, Thundersbeard. :)
The contest sounds fun. Can I write from the viewpoint of Jess Aarons, from the movie Bridge to Terrabithia? I know it's a kind of old movie, but I can't really think of any others. :)
I liked reading this poem a lot. :)
I especially like the ending, when the little girl is crying because her puppy was taken. It's a good example of how when you try to remove one problem, you're going to just wind up with another one. I laughed when you wrote that the man went and bought earplugs, because it would've been easier to just do that in the first place.
I also like how when the man hears that the dog has a name, that's when he realizes that what he did was wrong. At first, he just thought of the dog as nothing more than a nuisance brought into the world to ruin the man's life, but when he hears the dog has a name, he realizes the animal is something more than that.
Really great poem. :)
I really liked reading this. I like the theme throughout of a crayon breaking and later in the poem in the line, "Among the broken crayons, a heart breaks."
I also like how the readers know that time has passed and the girl is now deceased, even though you never said that.
Really great poem. I love the emotion in it. :')
I liked reading this interesting poem. I like the ending, when you realize that the person is talking about their life sentence in jail.
I also like the lines, "A room full of time," because everyday, the person is in their cell.
Cool poem. :)
I enjoyed reading this story. It was interesting that her parents beat her- I like that you wrote about that at the beginning; it grabbed my attention immediately.
I really liked the lines, "She threw the knife on the table and held me as I cried for death to come to me. I sank down on the ground dragging her with me. The man looked at us with a sad expression on his face. He moved over to where we were and picked me up. The weight of my pain was cutting deep into my heart. " I think that they were really nicely written.
I was, however, I little confused about how May's parents found her so quickly- how did they track her down?
Other than that, I would just suggest polishing up the story, editing it a little. Just because there were some typos and punctuation errors throughout the story.
Good piece. :)
I really liked reading this poem.
I'm not a parent, but I can imagine a father's love for his daughter and the pain he must have felt seeing his daughter's dreams fall.
I like how your ending, "God knows, full well, the price I’d pay
To change what He has willed"
ties in with the beginning, "God knows, full well, the price I’d pay
To hold her, now, awhile." I think that gives the poem a clean finish.
Great poem- I liked the emotion in it.
I really liked this poem. :)
You used very poetic words and were skillful with rhyming.
Not to mention, this poem was a bit of a reassurance for me. You see, I just rated someone's story a low rating, and they weren't very happy about it. This poem makes me feel stronger. Thank you so much. :)
Cool essay. :) Congratulations on being a published author.
I thought it was really interesting reading this. It's understandable that you cringed when thinking of going over your last year's new year revolutions. With everything that goes on in life, it's easy to forget about all the things we've accomplished.
By the way, I know I may be overstepping boundaries, but I couldn't help noticing that you mentioned you have a second job. I'm thirteen, and I want to be a writer, but I know that writing is not a very stable career, so I think I should have another job, as well; the problem is, I don't know what job I could have that wouldn't consume all of my time. Would you mind telling me what yours is? If not, I completely and respectfully understand.
Great story. Very impressing accomplishments. :)
Great story. :)
I think you really should continue with it. One reason is that your beginning before Nicky found out about her roommate dying is long compared to the rest of the story. I'm not saying you should shorten it- it's a good beginning. Also, I would definitely like to find out how Kimberly died, and if she died as innocently as she lived.
I like the moral of the story- don't lose touch with someone you love, because that might be the last time you ever see that person.
Really great story!
Cool story. :) I know you wrote this for a contest and everything, but I think that it should be more than a short story. You should really consider continuing this.
I especially like the simile used to describe the owl's green eyes. I also like you saying that everyone was into technology and not magic anymore- very inventive.
Great story. :)
This poem really shows the beauty of nature. A lot of people don't really notice nature anymore, because they're busy thinking about something they have to do, or places they have to be, or they're just not interested.
I'm glad there are still people like me who find beauty in nature. :)
Wow.
This story is great! How did you come up with it? I felt like I was there, with the characters- It was exhilerating!
One thing I really like are how the stranger is really trying to make the girl think of him as a friend. Like, he tells her to call him Uncle, and acts like they aren't strangers.
Again, I really liked this story.
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