This one I think should be on the must read list for those who truly wish to start writing about interior anxiety and passion.
Technically I enjoyed your ABCC rhyme scheme. You kept it flowing ina antural way. I didn't feel the rhyme was forced or out of place.
I think your grammer is workin for ya in this. No typos, no odd, out of place word choicing. You picked your words for your content carefully but not so much that it came across forced.
This made me feel a stirring inside. Faint lonliness and weakness that being afraid to talk about your feelings bring, especially to those who already know what you can't say anyways.
That's a powerful kind of emotion right there and I think you tackled it dead on.
You have my respect! Keep goin!
_____EyeKahn_____
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You really making me miss marching with this one ya know that? You have a fantastic way to capture the elements that make the little details of the band something worth taking pride in.
There is one thing that is keeping this great poen you have held back a bit: the structure.
the rhyming is not consistant. You are switching from ABCB(s) but taking the seond line in singular form and pluralizing the 4th line and in stanza 3 they just don't rhyme. flirt/jerk is not really working out so great.
This is not aterrible thing though! Just something to work with. If you decide to go back and play with it at all you might consider evening up your syllable length a bit too. Some are really long and they are clashing against the very short. Some system of consistancy would really tighten that up for you!
I think it's a great piece, the content is good and you have something worthwhile to work with!
Great job!!
_____EyeKahn_____
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I want to start by saying you have done a wonderful job here with your memorial to your sister. It was moving and personal and it is very evident that she meant a great deal to you.
The line that reached me the most was: "Whispered secrets known to us alone."
The reason for this is that it is the strongest piece of imagery in your poem. You're conveying something that twines steel to soul that is strong enough to build a house on no matter how far apart you both are and whispered secrets to us alone is about as personal as it can ever get. Whispering tells me that it is personal, secrets cement that it was not meant for anyone else, and alone is telling me that there was none else that youwould trust. Many of us have secrets shared by 3 people, sometimes just a small group of friends, but you painted her here as your closest confidant and that for me struck the emotional chord. It shows how valuable her life was to you.
Alternatly, IF we wanted to make it stronger I would suggest this:
Keep what you have, BUT add more imagery to it. You're doing a lot of telling. Her life is a painting; woman rich in emotional colour. To illustrate I'll borrow part of your second stanza:
We grew, our lives entwined, - HOW did they intertwine?
Held together by shared experiences, - what kind of experiences?
Common joys and sorrows, - Such as?
The poem is beautiful right now if it is about ANY two sisters. To make it truly unique and personal to Jenny though I would add the colour of personal detail that makes it about you and she specifically.
What you have is beautiful and more important, what you ahve written is meaningful. Time to make it personal!
Mind you I don't know her as you do (obviously) But if I may just generate an example:
We grew, our lives entwined,
friends; sisters picking berries in a hot july field
until our fingers were pink and our bellies full.
We were held together by shared experiences,
I still remember the way she would laugh
like a bright star twinkling with joy.
We shared common joys and sorrows,
When she was first kissed I was so happy for her.
When I first had my heart torn in two
she cried with me until our sides hurt
aching to see me sad.
I cry for her still when I think
of her trying to cheer me up.
Tears roll down, and then I smile,
and I have to laugh
because she makes funny faces at me when I pout.
Granted it doesn't sound personal coming from me. She's not my sister and I'm making up things as I sit here. But if you want to capture your relationship with her then capture, for us, the nature and the spirit of that relationship. Paint it in colour with your words.
Those we love most live most vividly in our stories of them.
Thank you so much for sharing!
If you change anything or write more about her, I'd love to see it. I'm really glad that you got to have such a beautiful relationship, and very grateful that you've shared it!
_____EyeKahn_____
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You asked if you should continue with this:
The answer should always be yes. Every idea holds potential!
Now since you asked for some hard-nosed critisim I will ahnd you mine.
First I'd like to say you have a strong topic, I think it's got a LOT of strength to it. Your imagery is solid. Your theme is solid and your idea is very clear.
I would suggest this though to tighten it up a bit:
Format your stanzas more syllabically.
A limerick is 9,9,6,6,9 It works very similarly to the format that you have set up both with your AABBA rhyme technique.
I WOULD say to make the rhythm better (since it IS a ballad) use a AABBA technique for your syllable count in the lines too. The work you have done is great, but I think that will make it much more fluid. I think it will make it easier to figure out how you want to continue this on as well. What you have is close but it's a bit discordant and that's hurting your rhythm.
You got a great thing going!
YES please keep on with it! There is your answer :)
PS: Please let me know when you feel it is complete. I'd love to read it whole. :)
_____EyeKahn_____
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I think you have a great start here. I think he content is good. you have a solid notion of what your vision of the end will be.
You make good use of rhitorical questions to express your wonder such as with your last line:
Would stars fall from the sky and dry up the sea?
I enjoyed the sens of wonder it gave me and I'm glad you let me experience that. Today was a great day for that.
There were a few problems with it though. While they are not major, there is room for improvement here.
A couple that I found were:
In the line: "The red dragon will make disappear the sun" I have a problem with make disappear. It is the only time you use 'creative poetic arrangement' in your choice of wording. It seems to me an inapproperiate fit withthe rest of the syle for the sake of trying to rhyme.
There is also a stray T at the end of the line:
or will you be the only one left behind? T
The other is that while there is strong coupling in the beginning of your poem you lose control of the rhyme scheme. half of it rhymes, half doesn't. the ones that aren't working and don't rhyme at all are:
Sky/Hide
Case/Faith
Around/Down
Come/Sun
See/Seat
The others are a tight match! I know having news like this can be disheartening, but, because we care we critique, we help one another change. I like this piece a lot and I want to see it stronger. That is the difference between good and expectional. I think you can make it exceptional!
If you touch it at all, write me and let me know! It's a terrific start!
_____EyeKahn_____
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I think you have a great topic going here, Chris!
I'm thinking about this on a few technical levels for you. Your work here seems to show the surface of deep rooted feelings showin in lines such as:
Your tears punctured a hole in my soul
Your biggest lover was right here listening to every tear
This made me sad, very nostalgic. I like being moved by thiings I read. Poetry, for good or bad, should always evoke a emotional response from its reader! Nicely done here, I expecially love the visual image of the soul haveing a hole punctured right through it. Nothing gives a wince of pain like an emotional sucking chest wound!
I think they are things that are easily identifiable that many of us know. I like that you're brave to put such feelings to words.
I did enjoy it.
On the technical though, I saw no spelling errors or punctuation to pose problem to you. There is one thing though. I felt as I read that you felt obligated to your rhyme scheme and it feels a bit like you're trying to fit your feelings into rhyme. It lacks a balance of meter in the process. When I read it it rhymes but the inflection and syllabic length of the sentences are so varied and uneven that the rhyme gets lost.
For example:
The nights are so lonely and the days are so sad,
I keep thinking about the love I never had.
The twinkle in my eyes was never meant for show,
They were meant to let you know.
An easy adjustment would be to possibly ABAB your syllable length so that your rhyming lines would balance off one another and your off-rhyming lines would as well giving it a sence of balance and form again.
Poetry with rhyme is a lot like chemistry and science that way. It's not just words that rhyme. It needs powerful feeling and emotion that illustrates that emotion not just tells you about it. If you are going to rhyme take into consideration your length, tempo, meter, and form as they are what separates good poems from exceptional ones!
I think with some work on this one it could truly be exceptional. You have a TERRIFIC feeling to go from. Don't be afraid to push it. Poetry has no fear!
Good work, Chris!
Thank you for sharing and if you change it at ALL let me know. I'd love to see what you do with it!
_____EyeKahn_____
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I make no secret about my general dissatisfication when it comes to rhyming. However, you have chosen a form, verse, and you hsve used it well. You have not let the 'need' to rhyme hamper the creative and emotional flow in your poem.
Many tend to let the rhyming become a crutch which can cheapen good content. I'm very pleased to see that you have used it in such a way to enrich this piece on the whole.
I especially enjoyed how you eluded to the wind as the force that moves heavy clouds to weep. I think this has very strong emotional impact. Storms in themselves are these forces of nature but saying something you have shown being calm earlier as being mighty enough to bring such a force to its knees is fantastic.
This poem has mystery, intrigue, lore, and a terrific sense of knowing how to make an area seem unwelcoming with the line:
"To lands you'd rather leave in haste
than ever see again."
My only point of critique in this is I think the last line is syllable heavy by one. And for the life of me I don't know how to shorten that down. I would say try:
and the sound of howling wind
Since you have made the wind an entity I don't think it really needs the 'the' in there. Treat Howling Wind as a name since it's got personality already. I think it could make the last line not seem so rushed together and give your Wind a sense of honour and identity that way. Subtle and some may disagree, but those are my thoughts.
Well done!
_____EyeKahn_____
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I cannot ever come up with enough words to hank you for sharing this, though I suspect it would only be approperiately to use what you have taught us here to try to do so.
I have never much been a fan of traditional forms but you have changed that with a very consice, well formatted, and comprehensive instruction that shares with us this beautiful art form. You teach us how to appreciate it, and you teach me to appreciate forms of another culture giving us as a whole community a better sense of well-roundedness.
My gratitude will be with you always for this.
It has severly changed how I look at my poetry for the better.
Thank you.
_____EyeKahn_____
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Though satire, this was a refreashing and well thought out satire.
Hamlet is often referenced but I think that you've found a nice parallel with modern lamentations that seem to hang over the student torn between what is right and what is desired.
You had written:
...Or to fake ill against a sea of homework
And, by opposing, increase it.
I think as for being that (as satire of classic tragedy) bring levity and reason to a well thought out argument: Leave and avoid work or stay and trudge and suffer through it.
I cannot give it a 5 as it's not truly and entirely a format all your own, but I leave you with my high regard on a piece well thought out, well weighed in word choice, and one well argued in your point. It's easy to mock great literature, however, I respect that you examined the original piece to understand it well enough to come up with a sound modern parallel for it.
Too often people to make satire of classic works copy, and throw words in there that sound good without first understanding and paying respect to teh original tragedy to represent it properly and that is imperative if teh satire is to be both witty and comical and not just trivial and contrived.
(BTW I'm printing this off to hang over my work desk to remind me to just do the things I need to. Thank you!)
I enjoyed reading this and I encourage others to as well. I think it's very honest and a very personally invasive approach which I appreciate.
I would like to say though that this is prose and not poetry, however. This is not a bad thing, I am a great fan of Prose as it happens. But for more accurate subheadings on your piece I offer that to you as an idle suggestion.
As for the writing of the piece you have a LOT to work with and I feel that you can push this a lot further. The husband is quite upset and the piece pointedly lacks a happy ending. There's a lot of hurt and confusion like a pallet of astranged colours and feelings not knowing where to go. A teacher of mine back almost a decade ago said something to me that forever changed me. Dr. Furlong told me "What you have is intriguing, but you're telling me, you're not showing me. If you want to grapple your readers into these feelings don't be afraid to explore them and really SHOW what you are saying. Don't tell me."
Your first line:
My life is full of riches and fame,
... HOW is it full? What luxuries are being ripped away and robbed from you in this?
You also imply that there are children plural and you are only 5 years into your marriage. Are they from previous marriage where this is going to draw a tension line? Has the romance gone on blissfully long before the marriage waas accepted? Not that it matters one way or the other. This is not a judgement but it's a interesting unorthodox set-up and one that can also draw deep emotional bonds to the reader from within this relationship.
The situation where the photo was taken is also very vague and unclear. I can't tell wether it was a playboy style shoot or if it was an affair, or someone breaking and entering like paparazzi.
I think this could be a very powerful piece but it has room to move and grow yet. I'd LOVE to see what you do with it honestly. If you make any changes to it at all, please notify me if you see fit to do so, I'd love to read it.
First I'd like to say I think it was carefully composed and very enjoyable. Your second line gives the birds an undeniable sense of weightlessness to them that compliemnts your piece nicely.
Well done!
For my critique (as a fan of haiku myself) I will say this:
it is a bit too composed. They say that haiku is to capture the artist's first impression. While the imagry is quite pretty I'm not totally feeling your emotional attachment to your observations. I DO think it is a good Haiku though :)
I included a link that's helped me out quite a bit that I'd like to share with you. There is never any one way one HAS to paint their haiku, but it gives a few philosophies on different approaches. http://www.toyomasu.com/haiku/
Ya know, It takes people a while to trickle on from day to day, but I will tell you this with complete honesty as well as treating your reader like a friend you've had forever.: 1- I friggen love reading this. My family's mostly from the south, I live in Detroit and I'm totally following you on the Ford vs. Gm and the oil angst. 2- the other is if you haven't seen it I saw a little play recently called "Greater Tuna" about a little city called Tuna, TX...and it's got people in that that sound like that batty whelp with the broken car that needed to be towed and the ever so not helpful grocery girls. (*wants to choke them sometimes*)
I think you write and convey a great deal of personality and sentiment through the piece that's not defined by any type of stereotype, I feel ts honestly biographical. Don't ever loose the ability to look at your life objectivly. It's the greatest gift a person has as an asset and doesn't realize half the time. I'll be back. =) I think this Daily Writing Challenge was a great idea to get the lot of us up and going! I know I needed it. I'm giving you the whole 5.0 based completely on your choice of gramatical styling, honesty, approach, and complete availability to draw the reader into a situation they can easily feel a part of. Great job!
_____EyeKahn_____
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Ok!, for starters, I feel like a twit for even attempting to critique the work of a Sr. Mod, but because I learn better when I attempt to critique, or learn from people who know more than I if they can help me correct my critique to better understand, I figure you're the PERFECT person to talk to. :)
Overall: I thought it was a very beautiful take on a piece that reads like a very sincere prayer of earnest appreciation. You focus on the small tiny things, and give a very tangible picture of each different environment in each stanza. You provide us with contrast that is clashing enough to tryly see what is not there, and yet by placing the last line in the stanza, offer hope to keep an uplifting feel to the piece; which I determine to be important when one writes about anything with a feeling of faith that you might wish to lend support to.
I like how this piece is very open in interpretation. Christian or Pagan alike it leaves a very open feel of you being appreciative of your environment for whatever reason and letting the reader feel comfortable to understand the *meaning* behind syour intentions and feelings without being distracted in any possible differences or argument. I feel you really unite and include *all* readers with your handeling of this piece.
And the critical portion:
in the first 2 stanzas the 1st two lines rhymed, but the following two didn't and it didn't carry out through the entire piece.As with:
This is all yours,
The dirt and rocks and shores.
This is your riverbottom,
Dry for now, but soon again
To be flowing with your water.
I've always found (poersonal opinion area, be warned) that a piece should be consistant so that you don't go into a fluid rhyming form and then hit rough water when a word falls out of harmony; or, alternativly, sailing through the rapids at full tilt and then hitting a dead harmonious spot in the water that steals your momentum; also creating a slight cacophony.
I would honestly go one way or the other but it was slightly rough to read untill the 3rd stanze, but only for that reason.
I really liked the the last line:
Without your quiet touch to smooth the edges
This world would indeed be a rough place to live.
I think it ties all of your images together under a united message. Very strong move on your part. :)
I was ver intreagued by your choice of topic. As a poet myself I love finding new ways to express extreme, repressed emotions. Currently while working on my falling angel piece I decided to see what others were working on and became intreagues when I read this. It caugh my attention that I spent quite a while on it. Thank you. To point out some of the things I saw I(Since I was on it for a while) I felt it only fair that I share with you.
Have I fallen so far
that there is no redemption for my soul,
can I be forgiven?
I feel this life of sin has taken its toll.
This is a nice opener. It sets the mood while preparing you for the sort of answers we're going to be trying to find. Kudos!! :)
Eyes once so full of life
now dead from the inside out,
heart once so full of love
now empty as the world without.
I'm really groovin with dead from the inside out. Powerful, captivating, more importantly, it's not a contrived image that's been overused as a phrase. Great way to keep your work fresh! :)
I have come so far
only to fall so short,
I have tried so hard
and never received any support.
If you are going to rhyme your words (not a personal choice for me but I respect its form and ability for lyrical clever usage) there has to be a balance with the pairs of lines you are rhyming.. This perticular stanza is very bottom heavy in the last line with the syllables givng it a more clumsy adn ackward feeling. I like what it is saying and think it is pinnacle to the frusteration and pain, but shorten it up, or elaborate the previous lines a tad to balance it out. like, maybe saying:
I have come so far
only to fall so short,
I have tried so hard
and never had support.
it's an idea, but just by removing those 4 syllables it flowes a tad more fluidly.
I have screamed into the night
and never heard a reply,
I have cried till the tears turned red,
and wished that I could die.
I'd honestly leave this one alone too. :)
I have held up to the pain
till I no longer had the will the breathe,
I have so longed for peace from my past
but in the end have always been left to grieve.
you say you've held up to the pain. I don't see what the pain is though. You could easily give this first line a TON of weight with a stanza previous to it illustrating WHAT is causing this anguish and HOW it is doing so.
I would also consider a possible revision of the last line to something shorter (this one was a tad bottom heavy) maybe saying:
Being always left to grieve.
It gets the point through with emphasis on the futility wihtout being so wordy about it. (lol I'm really good with being over wordy. It's my #1 offense)
My sins and I we are one,
we shall always remain together
whether I find peace within them,
or remain their prisoner forever
Diabolically clever! Perfect! You touch that last verse, I promise I'll cry. ;)
Really, I very much enjoyed this piece. Sorrow and anguish & abandonment and rage happen to be my 2 favorite colour combinations for my work. I didn't mean to be critical, but I really truly enjoyed it. If you'd like to help me counce a couple ideas around or whatnot, I am always open for friends to collaborate ideas with. If you are interested, please e-mail me back. I have a couple of forum links for poetry you might really enjoy!
_____EyeKahn_____
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"People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs. "
Nihil tam absurdum, quod non dictum sit ab aliquo.
~~Nothing is so absurd as not to have been said by a philosopher.
~Cicero~
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