I like the content...I'm just a bit confused about the main character. She sounds like a powerful, self assured woman/entity...so why wouldn't her dialogue be more contemptuous in words? It would actually borderline arrogance. If you were as powerful and as self assured as the character, would you be that...I not sure how to call it, but, wimpy?
I had the feeling that her dialogue should be more aggressive, since she is narrating the story/event. Then you can move the story along with the dialogue between characters, where she plays the more docile role.
The action sequence should play out as if you (the writer) was actually performing the action. Since this is a first person narration, I think the action part would sound different than it does.
" Using my arm to pin his appendage against my side like a vise I simply stepped out to the side to lock his arm out and cause his front to thrust outward. Without hesitation I kicked sharp and hard to the side of his closest knee, hearing the satisfying pop of broken ligament and the immediate scream of pain that tore itself from his throat as he went down to his other knee. Then I delivered another swift round kick to his jaw, keeping his arm locked and feeling the joints dislocated under the torque of my rotation for the attack. The unrestrained power behind my kick broke the mandible and fractured the vertebrae in his neck, and I let him drop lifeless to the floor."
Could have sounded like....
"I used my arm to pin his groping appendage against my side. I held him like a vise as I stepped out to over-extend his arm and caused his front (torso?) to thrust outward. Without a second thought I kicked, unforgiving, to his exposed knee, feeling it shatter underneath my foot. A satisfying scream of pain tore itself from his throat as he collapsed...."
I don't mean to offend you by rewriting, I just wanted to make my point clear. Keep the fight in the past tense if that is the way it is being told. If it is a "real time" narration keep the fight in current tense. Also, the way she moves and or fights says a lot about your character. The less energy she expends the more powerful she is. Remember the reader is playing this described fight scene in their head like a movie, it has to make sense to them.
I look forward to more of this character, she sounds like someone I could hand around with...smile.
I liked it! Really! After the first few sentences I was wondering what was going on, who this character is and what happened to him. That is perfect execution! There was enough real dialogue to make me feel that there are humans speaking. My only warning is to watch the spelling a bit "than and then", I'm usually at fault with those kind of things as well. but it was so minor that it didn't effect the way the story flowed. Keep up the good work and I expect to read novels from you soon.
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