This is really cool. Terry is a really interesting character, so I you achieved your goal there. I like your description of the anger/corruption that goes through Terry when the power is in him. A few nit-picky things:
I had touched the thing that was my power many times before, and this time was no different. I reached towards the intangible source of my power, the second "my power" is repetitive. Maybe change it to "that power" or something along those lines?
The first thing that caught my abstract eye, was my greed. no comma
"Terry! Get up! Get up! I saw it all," Dior got me on my feet. I'd had enough, though. I wanted that power again, I wanted those feelings. a little confusing. What had he had enough of?
last thing...I didn't really read the guidlines for the contest so I can't say for sure whether all this was meant to happen, but at the end, when you have Dior stop the power from consuming him, it doesn't really have anything to do with his character. Maybe just add a bit at the end that explains Terry's reaction to what Dior did and you'll be all set.
You have a great passage here. Maybe you could stick it into a longer piece, or use Terry in one. It would be really cool. Let me know if you do.
This piece is very good, but I'll say the same thing I say to everyone writing a novel. Make sure it's long enough! This story is what, three or four pages on your computer? It looks like the adventure is about to start, and while you do NOT want to make the beginning boring, you want it to take up some space. Give a little bit more background on the characters, where they live, or the world in general. If you're having trouble with this, try reading the beginning of a few of your favorite books, and just analyze them, then do it in your own style.
Another thing to think about when writing a novel:Character development. For me, this is the most difficult but funnest aspect of writing, and while I did not see any big problems with it in your beginning, I'll warn you anyway. Developing a character is not just thinking of a name, what they look like and what they do. It even goes farther than the way they talk, what they're hobbies are, and even what there emotions are. In fantasy, and in any genre, you are your characters. But when your writing fantasy, don't even think about the real world. Pretend you are in your own world, and you are the character you're writing about. Forget about the writing, and just imagine the scene. Use that as a formula. The words are secondary, the feel is what counts.
You've done well so far. Keep going, and make sure that later on, you have the beginning in your head. It keeps the novel from rambling off.
Great story!
Shadow
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