Review of Cubits, Chapter 1 of DAHGRI (by Lon)
All right so...
I'm back after I got thrown off this here boat on account I ain't done my reviews regular-like. If you good folk'll have me back, I'd be right grateful. I'm sure glad the old boat's still flyin. I'm good for the weekly reviews now, won't take up your time with explanations and excuses and suchlike, but safe to say I won't let you down again. 'Course it's up to you whether you'll have me.
Any rate, here's my first review for the good lady Lon. And yes, I've been watching too much Firefly, if such a thing's possible.
Chapter 1: Cubits
Paragraph 1 is good, tells me a bit about Daghri. She lived in an orphanage and is hungry for information. Added to what I know about her from the prologue, she's shaping to be an interesting main character. As always Lon, you don't mess about, and Paragraph 2 gets to the active narrative.
He walked over to the desk and handed the older man reading a paper a cubit.
Why bother to say he walked? Unless I might've thought he got there some other way, what's the point? Am I making a trivial point? Not really, my idea of good writing is that it should be succinct, meaning it gives all the information that's important, and no more. In general, I think phrases like "he walked over to the whatever" can be removed losslessly.
How would I say it, then? Let's look at this sentence, it's kinda clumsy anyway, "handed the older man reading a paper a cubit".
How about, "He handed a cubit to the older man at the desk. Looking up from his paper, the older man glanced around..." This preserves everything important, makes the sentence more graceful IMO, and doesn't tell me what I automatically infer anyway.
When she didn’t move immediately he stood, intent on chasing her away, she didn’t wait any longer.
Clumsy sentence structure here. How about: "...away. She didn't wait any longer."
she leaned her head against the building.
Which building? The way you've got it here, "the building", it seems like you're referring to a specific building, mentioned before, which you aren't. It's just a generic building she ended up standing beside.
Her pulse finally slowed.
Don't really need the word "finally". "Her pulse slowed" is fine. "Finally" doesn't really make sense here, it's not the last thing she's ever going to do, unless her pulse slows a heck of a lot more. "Her pulse finally slowed" sounds like she's dying. And is she that unfit that it takes her pulse a long time to slow and she needs to lean on a building? She ran what, half a block? Wouldn't she be used to running from assorted Authorities, being a classic street rat in a hostile city? And I would expect her to be more alert, not going about leaning her head on things willy-nilly.
Dahgri eyed the clerk, the station was across from him and he’d surely see her take the post.
Here's that same thing you've done that I complained about above in this sentence: "When she didn’t move immediately he stood, intent on chasing her away, she didn’t wait any longer." What's the general issue here? Ok, you've got your basic simple sentence with subject and predicate.
{eyed the clerk.}
The predicate tells you something about the subject. Generally if you want a more interesting sentence, you need to join up two or more simple sentences in a valid way. In your case you're making a compound sentence; two simple sentences joined in one of the following ways:
1. Use a joining word:
{Dahgri eyed the clerk}, BUT {the station was across from him.}
2. Use a semicolon:
{Dahgri eyed the clerk}; {the station was across from him.}
A simple comma does not suffice to join your sentences in a valid way. Has to be a joining word or a semicolon. There are probably other joins, but that'll do for now.
Why crap on about this, I hear you ask? After all they were brobably just tpyos. Hah, well, you see I just learnt something. I know sweet F.A about grammar and mostly when I see something wrong I can say "That's wrong" but can't explain why. Now I know why those sentences bugged me, and I'm justified to point them out if you do it again. =D
Now where were we...
She saw the unit shutdown
"Shutdown" to me is a noun. You need a verb here, so it should be "shut down".
As was normal for most working people with V-jobs, the young man stayed at his station for several hours.
Hrm. Why would he do it in a cafe? Surely in this day and age, whenever it is, such links to people's virtual workplaces would be available in their homes. The cafe is portrayed as something like an internet cafe; a casual sort of affair, hence the name cafe. Doesn't strike me as the best place for people to show up for a day's work. Oh well, guess he could have a reason, like if he doesn't live in this city but is just visiting.
Two more people exited, bumping into her. [...] their complaints would always go unattended by officals.
These three paras are kinda info dumpy.
She stared at her image in the glass.
Argh, the catch-sight-of-self-in-mirror trick. I can't tell you how much I hate this. SUCH a cliche. Please think of a more inventive way of getting a description of her. You might even consider doing it a bit later; we can already tell that she looks like a boy, based on the other characters' reactions to her.
Short black hair with blue streaks belayed the fact that she was female.
And weh? Belayed? This is hardly the time for her hair to wander off for a spot of rock-climbing. Or perhaps you meant it belied?
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/belayed
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/belied
Ohmysides. Sorry, I'm sure you remember me now for my lameness if nothing else.
their complaints would always go unattended by officals.
"go unanswered by" or "be ignored by" would fit better here IMO.
She counted to five and slipping inside the door before it closed.
Slipped
He was eating now, and still reading his paper.
Who takes several hours to read the paper?
She stepped onto the id plate and placed her hand on the UC, uplink connector.
Seems not quite right. Sometimes with these sorts of acronyms, the best way to deal with them is to write it out in full the first time, and then refer to it by an acronym thereafter. Otherwise you could put "the UC, or uplink connector."
The screen before her returning to its original data feed: a news editorial.
returned
The way she gets cubits is, to me, completely implausible. Surely the young man would log out properly after doing his job. And I just don't buy that the station would just dispense cash. The loophole she uses is completely too obvious, surely there would be better security measures.
“They’re all over the place, Dag. What the hell were you doin’, man?”
Eh? What are all over what place?
She smiled as she saw the Farren change colors, his skin tone matching his mood.
That is cool.
“Yeah, three times! The id from Farris bit the dust on the last pass.”
I would steer clear of having major characters/races with very similar names, i.e Farren/Farris.
seeing as how the coding on them seemed to always be degrading.
"seeing as how the coding on them seemed always to be degrading" sounds better to me.
With plans set, Coco pulled a holo-die from his pocket and tossed it in the air. “Care for a wager?”
Heh, now I remember how good you are at catchy lines that draw me on to the next chapter ^_^
That was quite good as a first chapter. I briefly read the prologue before I started doing this so I know she is part Drex. You have some interesting races set up and Dahgri has good backstory.
I was confused at whether Coco knows she is female. It seems like he doesn't, which adds an interesting dimension to their interaction.
You have a good way of holding my attention with a narrative. This seems like you have put a lot of thought into world-building and you have some cool ideas. However, at the moment I'm not blown away by originality of the world, story or characters; all the themes are quite common. However, you communicate honest empathy in your characterisation and have injected life and personality into the story.
Some more detail as to what the city looks and feels like would be good. I like that you don't get bogged down in description, but I still think you haven't got the balance right. The locations lack atmosphere. All that would take to rectify is for you to throw in some offhand little details about the city for me. Off the top of my head, some things I would like to know are... What vehicles does she see, is it clean or dirty, how does the air smell? Is the info cafe small and cramped or clean and spacious? Is the equipment old and s***ty, or sleek and modern? Does she see a lot of homeless people shuffling around, or do they keep to the bad parts of town? How wide are the streets in the different places she goes to? How tall are the buildings and what shapes are they? Any sort of stuff like that would help. I'm sure it's all in your head, you can see your city, but as yet, I can't.
I particularly liked the last line.
Until next time then! Keep flying. |
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