Damn, I am both encouraged and depressed. A story a little too close for comfort. I won't go into arguing any small stuff, you did such a good job just telling a story. Spectacular characterization and honesty. I like this type of writing. No frill, no BS, no attempts at being something fake. you write for you, and know one else. Hell yeah! I am not sure what I could simply add. Uhhh, can you make the guy less of a dick? Too integral to the story? But seriously, you have done, what I consider, honest writing. I can't ask for more than the story people wanted to tell.
Well, You seem to have a large amount to tell, but i fear that this seems a bit like the middle of a story. From my perspective, someone who has no idea what is going on, this was a wee bit difficult to get a solid grip on. You have a cast of diverse characters with an interesting dynamic, but it is lost on the fact that I cannot grasp any single one of them as the "main" character. Granted, you don't need to roll out the red carpet for the reader, but I just personally believe that stories that go straight into a huge cast of characters have difficulties on accurately defining the characters.
If I had to make only one suggestion, it would be to make the main character evident in the beginning, and focus around their goals, their perceptive, and their experience. It would give me something to anchor my mind on, and, in my opinion, improve the fidelity on the creativity you already have in your characters. You spread you characterization talents across perhaps too many. I would rather have two superbly defined characters than a a myriad of characters.
I love steam punk, and you do well to keep an interesting setting. I like originality in steam punk, and having this as the backdrop to a post-apocalyptic modern world is new to me. your detail work and setting creation is your strong suit in my opinion. you spend a lot of time on those aspects.
Keep it up. Don't let me get you down for some reason. Be crazy and have a good time.
I will say this, you have spectacular imagery that moves. You only had one noticeable area of just strictly background information on your character. You keep this brief which serves to keep your pace going. You have a knack for keeping focus on your character while still including meaningful plot. I am too terrible at grammar to bring myself to point out anything in particular. I will leave the nit picking to the literary critics. I am but a simple man.
For all my enjoyment of the piece I do feel strongly about one thing though. This might not exactly be the best place to start for you piece I feel. Hang with me here. It is obviously opinion, but hey, that is why I am here. This seems like a chapter two to me. You start in with him recovering from wounds. wounds from what I imagine to be an awesome battle I barely missed by a few paragraphs. Action pulls me in more than anything to a stories beginning. This piece seemed a little lore heavy at this juncture. I continued reading for your many positive writing abilities, but some might turn away at the sight of lore. While lore build your dynamic and interesting world for the reader, I believe it should be presented in a way that still keeps pace. You do this so well I am hesitant to write this, but I feel like you could balance the pace a bit.
By reading this I can tell you have a great ability to write with dynamic imagery. I just don't want people to turn away because you started on a slower paced and somewhat difficult to grasp introduction. I implore you to continue on, and take whatever I say with a grain of salt. If you feel this intro best represents a taste of your piece for the reader, then by all means go for it. Just keep in mind that while the lore may be alive in your mind readers may struggle to grasp your material at first. Lead on with a lore light action scene and I believe you can bring in more readers.
Keep it up and have a good one.
He had still been bleeding out when they had portalled him and it had taken all his remaining strength to weave enough fire to cauterize the wound, and faugh! a weave of fire under a pure purple ether, of all things!
Truly stellar pacing. You jump right into the action and never throw in speed bumps of context explination. Too often someone might pepper in where these characters are and why theyare doing something. You unfold these naturally. In your story. The begining scene. Grasps the attention of readers well. You make truly meaningful characters and paint a unique universe in few words. The writing leaves me filled with questions, which is good, questions keep me reading. I wonder why bringing him back was considered bad? What will they do? What in the tribes past brought on such a taboo? So much more to understand. Keep it up. Good work.
I enjoy your connection of military experience and the construction of a shed. You connect your childhood and adult life via the shed. This is both clever and meaningful. You are honest and I can clearly see that you care for what you write. I believe wholeheartedly that you should continue writing what you care about and submit this to whatever contest that fits. Don't shy away from them. your writing is spectacular, not because of some sort of literary excellence or wonderful construction, it is because you are honest and your writing is real. You felt what you wrote, no more no less. I find that people who question whether or not their writing is "good" often produce wonderfully written stories. That fact that you think something might not be up to someone else's criticism unfortunately will sometimes make you qrite too little or include things you think will please others. One inspiring thing that got me to write in the first place was the challenge to write the worst thing ever written. If I were truly a poor writer than this would be no challenge at all. I found that me not caring produced the best, most believable and honest writing. I guess what you can take away from my rant is that I do like the piece. You don't write for others, you wrote down a memory, a feeling, an experience. Keep writing! It is healthy to write.
I fear I have accidently replicated the jester being the protagonist in my story as well. Only upon reading your story did I realize that. I enjoyed you elaborate descriptions on the jester's actions. He seemed like an unlikely hero. You described scenery well. My only issue lies in the old adage "show not tell." But I still am struggleing with showing myself. Specifically the begining seemed to just go on about the world, and while I realize this eliminates the issue of presenting the setting easily, I allways feel like the story could explain the setting. Just my thoughts I guess. I am doing this on my phone at work so I shall leave it at that. Enjoy.
I like to use quotes. It is how I do things I guess. Here we go.
" Although the girl was much faster and more agile then her brother, he was very clever and strong."
I will use the tired and old adage of "Show not tell." How is he clever? How much faster? Did she win by feet or twenty yards? I feel it is so much more vivid in your mind than on the page.
" Katherine remained there crying uncontrollably over her father’s body for a long time."
I feel as though you see more in your mind than her just crying uncontrollably. Do you believe this is all she would really do? Perhaps her reaction to the initial sight. May be the inclusion of an object of importance. I just don't feel her sadness carrying through the rest of the story. I assume finding and vanquishing the killer should be a motivator for her, but this isn't reflected in much in her training.
" A blast of energy blew the bandits away from the wagon and left them unconscious. She breathed heavily as Thomas stared shocked. Katherine fell over off the wagon, passed out."
Again I really want to see what you see in your mind. What color is the blast? How did it blow the bandits away? What did she look like during this? What did she fall into? I just know you have more to say, and I want to see it.
“While you are eating, I will explain why you are here and why I am here too."
should be to not too i think.
"Katherine’s training continued. She spent the next two years strengthening her body and mind. Cronos taught her everything he had said he would and her skills grew each day with rapid growth."
"A few more years passed as Cronos taught Katherine magic and the finer points of swordsmanship. Katherine also received lessons in archery from Cole and lessons in healing and charms from Natalie in secrecy. Over the years, Katherine not only grew in her skills but her appearance too. She no longer resembled the gangly girl she once was. She had grown much taller and had an athletic look that complemented her as she matured into womanhood. Finally, it was only weeks away from her fifteenth birthday."
I really think something more valuable happens in between these times than strengthening and teaching. she is young and developing. Do you think she patiently waited every night and studied every day? You make her seem like more of a firecracker. She has too much spirit to simply be so mundane as to diligently study for years on end.
You also had her ask basic question to Cronos after these two years. I realize that stories sometimes need a quick progression of time to move the story along, but I really would like some highlights along the way. Just including a few brief meaningful scenes can be a great way to develop the character in my mind. Perhaps she met a boy while training. Time can still go fast, but some paragraphs on her development in between would really bring her to life.
While I am surely a person who often complains about a stories slow pace, I feel as though you skip over things I would love to here about your characters. You do a spectacular job describing Cronos. He has a family, a dead wife, relationships in the council, and many friends and relatives. He often does the talking. This all serves to make him the character that most stands out in my mind.
I mean none of this as negative. Quite the opposite really. I want more. I think you have more to say. By no means describe something simply because I mentioned it. What I implore you to do is write what you see and feel regardless of whether or not you think someone else will like it. You clearly have something to say, and I want to hear all of it. Write what is important to you and obviously have fun. Please, hit me up if you feel the need to ad more to this story. See ya! :)
MMMM! Tasty! Nom! Nom!.... All foolishness aside I really enjoyed the piece. Your pacing felt real and kept me reading. At no point did the story seem bogged down or sluggish. I write in a similar fashion, concentrating on the characters actions thoughts and responses, but you seem to manage a bit more setting than I can. While some might claim you could have more detail, I say you have the right amount of detail. The character you added to the vehicle was relevant, not just a purely critic pleasing addition. I feel a little lost as to why John used a gun as opposed to a fireball or something, but explaining that could be an interesting inclusion later I suppose. The basics. Your tense was correct and the first person style was consistent and beautifully done. I did not notice any blatant grammatical or spelling errors.
I suppose what could be improved upon could just as well be explained later. I wonder why Iris was so quick to let John join her vehicle. Hidden motive? Who knows? I wonder what powers she has. I wonder what John can do. I wonder why those men were chasing them. This is exactly what good pacing should do. Making me want to read more. Thank you for keeping me interested. I have no specific negative feedback. I will say that I thought you had a better "feel" for the story near the middle. I say "feel" for lack of a better description. I guess I just felt like the beginning was a little forced and seemed a bit disingenuous at times. The middle truly developed the characters in my mind. That's what made them real.
But hey, what do I know? Thanks for the writing. Keep it up. :)
Unique and powerful descriptions. This writing in particular caught my eye at the amount of creativity in each sentence. This was balanced out by the still fast enough to keep interest pacing. You have a knack for keeping interest. Here are just a few things I noticed.
Consider revising " As she *made* to get out of the bed she *dimly* noticed she was still wearing *yesterday* clothes." I am pretty sure somethings wrong.
I am not a comma master but " Soon deciding that it was not the most important thing to worry about she left to find out what was beyond the door." should be "Soon, deciding that it was not the most important thing to worry about, she left to find out what was beyond the door." I am pretty sure at least. May be not. Check for sure.
If this is just the beginning to your story I cannot wait to see if you can keep up this amazing balance of descriptions and pacing. Good luck!
Let me start off by saying you seem to have a spectacular frame for an imaginative truly action fantasy story. While I do enjoy your willingness to have an extremely quick pacing, I feel as though you could slow it down a bit. Things in the story just seem to happen to Jon. He never seems responds emotionally or uniquely, I feel.
a few simple things.
This part "He told his best friend, Jon (Also a farm boy) every thing that had occurred."
can also be written as "He told his best friend, Jon, a fellow farm boy, every thing that had occurred." It seems a bit more natural for the flow of the writing. People won't wonder why there is suddenly parentheses in the story.
I felt as though this part could have been explained in a bit more depth. " She struck Aiden and Jon with lightning, paralyzing them for a few seconds. Aiden ran to her, and she shot lightning at him. He dodged it, striking her down with his sword."
Perhaps something characterizing the lightning and how she conjured it. Did the jagged blue light scream from her hands or a staff? As it hit Jon did he get knocked back several feet landing in a filthy ditch or bravely withstand the blast due to his courageous love for his father? did his strike deeply cut her shoulder, shredding tendons, and covering the sword in a visceral amounts of blood while she cried for her life? I am sure this scene is so much more alive in your mind. I encourage you to write exactly what you see and what you feel. If you can take a few of your shorter paragraphs an write what is in your head your writing will turn many more heads.
I implore you to keep writing and by no means take my lowly opinion too seriously. I just want so badly to know what exactly your mind sees when your writing this. I want you to hold nothing back. Ignore conventional wisdom and that tinny voice in the back of your head saying no one would like that part. I know I have that voice. I just wish I could ignore him more often.
I enjoy your descriptions of the environment in your world. It appears as though you have a true grasp of the world in which your character lives. Each sense seems to be tested against the backdrop of the forest. The environment seems dynamic and palpable.
Your characters, however, do not seem to reflect what I think is truly in your mind. The banter between the two seems rehearsed and traditional like the dialog came from a cookie cutter hostage plot. The banter attempts to build a history between the two, but fails to mention what was significant about it. Specifically
“Elm, you’ve hated and distrusted me for the past year.” “Don’t come any closer or he gets it,” she warned Mar. “I mean it.”
“No, I haven’t. Maybe I didn’t trust you, but still. Just because I don’t understand anything you do, or enjoy spending time with you, or even like you... That doesn’t mean I hate you.”
This doesn't build a deep character in my mind. It only serves to give me a thin idea of what the deeper relationship between the two must be. I need you to express more than a basic idea to keep my interest. From all of the dialog I didn't pick up on a unique defining factor of Elm. She responded exactly how I expected her to for every situation. I need to know what your character would do, how she would respond, what history she has, her connection the this man, not what every other heroine I can think of has.
I am no expert but I know that you didn't feel “Don’t come any closer or he gets it,” she warned Mar. “I mean it.” you wrote it, but you didn't feel it. I think if you write exactly what you feel she would do and say, regardless of what you have been taught or suggested, the uniqueness of what you have in your mind will pour through.
I hope my pathetic attempt at being a critic helps. I just want you to write whatever you want, not what you think others expect you to write. Continue to enjoy writing this :)
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/eshedgie
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 1:24pm on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
