Ohhh wow. I have to be completely honest with you and say that I did not think that this poem was going to be good. But, you pleasantly suprised me. The only thing that bothered me was the change of dialect in the thrid stanza. You went from "modern" talk to Shakespearen. Also in the fourth stanza the way you phrased "In THE ocean" you should cahnge the next to last lines "here" to "there." That to me would help the flow. My favorite lines out of the whole poem are the first few lines " Where are you hope?
I have been longing
For your deceiving presence" Those lines just drew me into the poem and made me smile, because some people wouldn't think hope as decieving but rather inviting. To end, Ireally loved this piece and I think that you are a really great writer.
♥E
This has potential to be a great poem. There are, however, some things that you should think about revising. In the second stanza, the first line, I think the sentence would flow more if you had it as " Years before we were in love.." Also in the second stanza, second line the sentence seems like it should be " We shared the blessings from God above..." In the third stanza, the third line, I don't get the we shared long not brief thing. I think you should either make it more clear or more descriptive. Another problem in the third stanza, line four, its sounds better if you changed it to "were those words all lies..." In the sixth stanza in the first line, the "don't you" should be changed to "can you?" In the seventh stanza for the second line the "adore" should probably be changed to "adored." Thank you for listening to me blabbing on! Haha. Thanks too for allowing me to read this. I hope you take my suggestions to heart!
♥E
You have potential to become a good writer. The only thing that really bothered me about this poem was the sort of enjambment of the piece. The way that you used the word that ended the last sentence to begin the next sentence just made the whole piece a little awkward. It didn't really flow as much as I would have like it to flow, it felt as if I had to pause at the beginning of each sentence. Also the meaning behind the poem is a little unclear. If you could make it a little clearer it would make the whole poem much better! Other than that good job!
♥E
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