Honestly, this felt Victorian, her rejection and her way of speaking were prim and proper. I could feel her, but it is not as if she was denying to herself. She was lying to him. When a woman protest too much, it is not the other person they are lying to, it is themselves. They are trying to talk themselves out of feeling what they feel for the person. This felt more like a play on words, batter back and forth and Victorian denial. Everything would be fine if you could see the inner turmoil as she talks herself out of loving him, of course I don't love him, these were the feelings of a child, they haven't change a bit so cant be real. Give her a train of thought that brings her to the denial of feelings.
First off. Bravo! Some of us learn that lesson early, others later. When does not matter. I have spent my adult life teaching this very point as well as others. Now I find myself turning to fiction to get the message home. Dad's idea don't look at me like that ;)
As for the writing, It was not clear from the start of the narrative that this was a first person story. The first paragraph is written in 3rd person omniscience. That may be very tempting with a morality tale, however if you are going to use that keep it up through, the rest of it is written first person. Personalty I believe the first person has a greater impact.
Wonderful imagery. however it seems, stunted? The flow feels a bit off to me. perhaps I am reading it wrong. I would ditch the "THE" in the second line. and perhaps a "they" for the "That" in the 3 line second verse. Honestly I think it is a wonderful work. But I think living with a poet has made me to critical.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/eranex
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 11:54am on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
