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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/eposic
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57 Public Reviews Given
58 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by MKEidson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Kenzie. Thanks for turning one of your blog posts into the article, "Maybe We Can't All Write a Bestseller." I realize the article has been on WDC for over 4 years, but I thought I'd rate and review it anyway.

I believe that you are spot on with your suggestion that we writers who wish to sell our work focus on markets with which we are familiar, to the extent possible. When a submission is rejected, however, we must look for other markets if we believe the work is salable. Then it might be desirable to submit to a market with which one is not quite so familiar, though of course any submission should be preceded by the research necessary to know if there is even a chance of the work being accepted by that market. (I don't think that is contradictory to what you had to say on the subject.)

In the time I've been on WDC, I've not received any reviews I'd call "mean," so your mention of it having happened here got my attention. I don't know if I've just been lucky with my reviewers so far, or if the "mean" reviewers have mellowed or decided to leave. In any case, it was interesting to read that bit of history.

As for your writing style, I find it quite readable, and it helps to get your points across. It's obvious you've had lots of practice writing. I need to peruse your portfolio to see what other helpful, encouraging advice I can find there.

Thanks again for posting your article.

-- Mike / Eposic

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Review of The Silence  Open in new Window.
Review by MKEidson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Thank you, Prosperous Snow, for this ominous tale of Christmas magic. I enjoyed the dark tone set in the opening, then lurking in the background until the ending, where the true depths of the darkness are revealed. Well done.

I noticed a few instances of what I considered mistakes. For instance, you wrote:

Then there was the stench it permeated the room and smelled like an open grave.

I think this should have been written as:

Then there was the stench that permeated the room and smelled like an open grave.

Or it could have been written with an active voice, although you might consider that as too much of a departure from your voice in the opening paragraph:

A stench permeated the room and smelled like an open grave.

I believe there are a couple of commas that create comma splices, such as the second sentence of the second paragraph and the third sentence of the fourth paragraph.

One bit of dialogue felt awkward to me. You wrote:

“First, the machine where is it? “

To me, that line weakens the character of the speaker. I think a person with an urgent need would more likely have used fewer words and gotten right to the point:

"Where's the machine?"

Overall, it was an enjoyable read, with only a few technical concerns.

Thanks again for sharing!

-- Mike / Eposic

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Review of Bad Carnitas  Open in new Window.
Review by MKEidson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, SoCalScribe. Thanks for sharing your horrific tale, "Bad Carnitas." This story had me cringing in my seat. Your descriptions are very well written.

As for suggestions for improvement, I can say that some of the sentences felt awkward to me. For instance, you wrote:

Her stomach was acting up yesterday, which she attributed that to the bad carnitas plate they shared for lunch.

I felt the word "that" didn't belong in the sentence. Your sentence is still understandable, of course, but it just feels awkward to me.

As a creepy story, "Bad Carnitas" works. I assume it was not meant to be more than that. Without the story title, I'd be wondering whether these tendril creatures really did come from the carnitas. Given that they came from the carnitas, I then wonder why these creatures haven't spread across all of Mexico already. But, yeah, I think the story was only intended to creep out the reader, and in my case it succeeded at that. Well done.

-- Eposic

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Review of Guardian Lover  Open in new Window.
Review by MKEidson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Ellie Mack. Thanks for sharing your story-in-progress, "Guardian Lover."

I'm not a huge fan of paranormal romance novels, so consider that as you read my comments.

First, although this review is on Chapter 2, I did read Chapter 1, and in my opinion you don't need it. It only delays the real story. Jump right into Chapter 2, and so what if readers don't have all that background on Caleb. They will figure out from your mention of him in Chapter 2 that Lexy has some feeling for him. If Caleb is important to the story later, you can introduce him then. Just my opinion.

I also wonder if you are delaying the appearance of something paranormal for too long. The only thing I noticed so far in the story that has a hint of the paranormal is that the stranger (Kyle) mouths some words that Lexy doesn't understand, but that could just be due to her state of mind. I know the delay of the paranormal won't be a big deal for some readers, but others who are looking forward to a tale of the paranormal may lose patience. It's the same concern I've had with some of my own stories, such as an urban fantasy where the fantasy part isn't apparent until later in the story. It's not a problem, per se, just a concern.

I hope these comments are of some value to you. Keep writing!

-- Eposic

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Review by MKEidson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
Hi, chefcolby, glad to meet you. Let me see if I can make a few constructive remarks about your story, "Magic Realized." Don't consider me a writing expert by any means; these comments are simply my point of view, which is all I have to offer.

1. You need to pay attention to spelling and grammar. The spell checkers don't catch everything, especially misspellings of words in a way that the result is still an actual word. For instance, spelling "were" as "where."

2. You also need to pay attention to punctuation. Some of your phrases need commas after them, and some sentences need periods. Some dialogue should be delimited with quotes. It's not that readers can't make sense of your writing as it is, but it's more work for them than if you punctuated correctly (and spelled correctly and used correct grammar).

3. I would suggest that you avoid phrases like, "it was colder than anything I have ever felt before." The reader doesn't know how cold that is. Describing the effect of the cold will serve you well, and help the reader picture the scene. You could say, for example, "My skin burned from the frigid blast and my lips froze together. My limbs stiffened, so that I could not react, and the force of the chilling blow sent me crashing into the side of the house."

4. You may have read writing advice that suggests you start your story with conflict. That doesn't necessarily mean to start with a combative situation. Writing about a combative situation before the reader has a chance to emotionally invest in your protagonist can make the reader wonder why she should care about who wins the combat. Don't fall in the trap of thinking of conflict as equivalent to combat. There are many forms of conflict, and one that helps the reader understand the personality of your protagonist is probably better than one that requires the reader to accept that the protagonist is a good guy without knowing anything about him.

5. You eventually reveal the reason why the good guys/girls and the bad guys/girls are pitted against each other, but it comes late enough in the story that you may lose readers before you get there. It would be nice to have some hint early on. You don't have to give the full reason early on, because you need to keep some mystery to keep things interesting, but some hint more than calling the protagonist a "mirror" would have been welcome as I read those early paragraphs, especially since you began the story with a combative situation.

6. Lastly, I will say that you have obviously worked out a good deal of detail about Magic in your fictional world. Be careful that you not make your system of Magic more the focus of your tale than the characters. You don't have to explain how your system of Magic works; just describe the effects of using Magic, and remain consistent in your descriptions. The reader will then learn gradually, as she progresses through your tale, how your system of Magic works, by observing the results of it. By going into detailed explanations of Magic, you run the risk of losing readers, many of whom are primarily interested in the characters.

This review is meant to be constructive and encouraging, and I hope you have taken it that way. Your story has promise, but it will need much revising if you intend to extend it into a work of longer length for publication. You have good ideas. Just try to moderate them, by being honest with yourself as you write, and not pushing everything "over the top." Your readers will appreciate it.

Thanks for sharing your story!

-- Eposic

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Review of Nine  Open in new Window.
Review by MKEidson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Sum1, I'm dropping by to give you a review in return during the WDC Power Reviewers raid.

I must qualify my review by saying first that I am not a big fan of most poetry, nor have I ever been able to write decent poetry myself. Your poem, "Nine," is magnitudes better than anything I could write.

Your poem rhymes well. There are a few lines where you had to fudge it slightly. I felt that the stanza whose lines ended with "covered," "hovered," "clustered," and "blustered" worked better than those stanzas that used a plural word in the rhyming, such as "flies" with "why."

The flow of the poem was decent overall. There were some lines that felt awkward to me. "Every chance they got, they’d rest a little bit" might have felt less awkward to me without the "little," for instance. Again, I'm not an expert on poetry, so I'm just telling you how it felt to me.

The focus on the number nine, prevalent throughout the poem, almost felt forced in places, such as with Dennis killing "nine with just one swat." The word "swat" is a huge hint that they were insects that he killed, although the use of the word "flies" in the context of a ball game brings to mind an image of a ballplayer catching nine fly balls simultaneously. That would be a real killer feat, eh? :)

As I've mentioned, I'm not a poet, but perhaps something I've said will be of value to you.

Regards,

-- Eposic

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Review of Scales  Open in new Window.
Review by MKEidson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow, what imagery. I especially love "a yellow line of light that marks a floorboard overhead" and "a bottle of rotting memories, corrosive and unreleased."

This story is such a tease. I want to read the novel this is excerpted from. Seriously. If you haven't written the novel, you should. I want to know more about who They are, what They are doing in and to the world above the floorboard, why They are doing what They are doing, and what exactly is enabling the sister's dreams to become reality. I also want to know if the narrator is able eventually to find a way to not be "stoppered," and if, indeed, not being "stoppered" would be good or bad in the long run. Above all, I want to know whether the narrator and the sister eventually escape from their prison beneath the floorboards, and if so, what happens after they do.

Thanks for sharing your work!

-- Eposic

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Review of Church Vote  Open in new Window.
Review by MKEidson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I liked this story. It felt like something that could happen just as you describe. I could feel the frustration of the point-of-view character.

There were a couple of sentences that I had to read twice to clearly understand them, but other than that, I didn't see any problems that would interfere with the enjoyment of the piece. Great work!
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Review by MKEidson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Great story! I was laughing by the end of it. Everything leads logically up to a very satisfying ending. Well written.

If I should make any criticism, it is of this phrase:

He veered into their neighbor 24-year-old Shelley’s backyard

I'm not sure if it's technically wrong, but if it were me, I'd look for another way to phrase it. To me it reads a little clunky. But since you're limited to 300 words and you were pushing that boundary, you had limited options.

Thanks for sharing this story!
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Review by MKEidson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Thanks for your reply on the Streets of Urban Fantasy forum! I'm still learning my way around here, but I do enjoy the reading and reviewing aspect of the site.

You have an interesting concept and protagonist here. Since the protagonist is so physically powerful, I expect the conflict in this story to be more emotional and mental in nature than physical. A superhero with a conscience always makes for a good read.

There are several things I could say about this excerpt, but I'll focus on a few items in particular.

"Pressing close to me, he slid his right hand inside my duster coat against the side of my left breast and laughed under his breath."

I would reconsider the use of "pressing" unless the man is actually pressing *against* the character, in which case I would say "pressing against me". Typically "pressing" means to apply pressure to something, which means you're touching it, not just getting close. Since there's nothing and no one else around against which the man might be applying pressure, it sounds as though he must be applying pressure to the protagonist, which means he is pressing against her. Now if he had to fight against a crowd to get to her, I could see how "pressing close" would work.

Also, it's more of an affront to be "pressing against" someone than to be "pressing close" to someone, so "pressing against" would better indicate the offensive nature of the man. If there is a reason why the man can't press *against* the protagonist, here is a perfect place to tell that to the reader. If the protagonist won't allow that to happen because of some aspect of her character, then why let the opportunity to tell the reader about it go to waste?

Continuing on. In the above sentence I would cut "the side of" and "under his breath". I personally think the reader would envision the hand sliding against the side of the breast if you said that "he slid his right hand inside my duster coat against my left breast". And why is the man laughing "under his breath"? If "laughing under his breath" rather than "laughing" is an important distinction, then what is that distinction? The reader needs to know. If there is no important distinction between the two, then why use the extra words?

If you want to portray this bad guy in a bad light, why hold back? "Pressing against me with a taunting laugh, he slid his right hand inside my duster coat and grabbed my left breast." Ooh, now this guy is really asking for it! (Again, if the protagonist wouldn't allow the guy to grab her breast, then that sentence won't work, but why would such a sensitive character allow the guy to even touch her, to slide his hand against her breast? It makes sense to me that she would either stop him cold from touching her at all, or she would not flinch at being grabbed, but still deal harshly with him for his transgression.)

Another thing for you to think over. During the action sequences, what does the protagonist "see" as she deals with each individual? Let me ask that another way. Okay, so she's an Eternal, a Drifter. The reader doesn't know yet what that is, but you do say at one point that she can "see the truth in him, know his lie". So she has some power to read minds or see a person's aura or some such thing. In my opinion, the action sequences would be a perfect place to give some hints about what she can do without going into details about how she does it. For instance, before she engages each individual, you could preface the paragraph dealing with that individual with a one-liner stating what she "sees" about the man. (Looking into his soul, I saw the abuse he had taken as a child, but that did not excuse him for what he had done to the girl.) It would help break up the fight descriptions and validate the abilities of the Eternal character.

One last critique: "And I had barely broken a sweat." I respectfully suggest you think of a unique way of saying that, rather than using the cliche.

I hope my comments will be of use to you and that I will have the opportunity to read more of this story.
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Review by MKEidson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I enjoyed reading Chapter 1. I respectfully suggest cutting the Prologue; I think that if the information in the Prologue is necessary to the story, it would be a more enjoyable read if that information were revealed to the reader through Sam's eyes. As it is, revealing it in the Prologue takes away some of the mystery of the cloak.

I like the flow of the Chapter 1 prose in general. Some areas could be tightened up. For instance, the sentence "He was in the midst of conversation but stopped speaking when he saw us" could just as easily be written as "He stopped speaking when he saw us" without losing anything, because the only way he could stop speaking is if he were speaking to begin with, which implies he was in the midst of conversation. No reader would assume he was speaking to himself, since he walked in with another person.

All things considered, I would like to read more of this story.
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