I think this story was about
A human who lives in a world of both humans and nonhumans. He is accused of killing the kitsune who killed his fiancee, and when threatened by the kitsune's stepfather, a dragon, the real murderer, a werewolf, must save the man.
My favorite sentence was
The last one. This reveals the motivation of the werewolf, who is the true protagonist of the story. The end of this story is where I had the biggest emotional response.
My least favorite sentence was
"In a large house owned by a prominent man, two men stand in the dining room, looking at the owner, who is dead, as by the fact that he has the end of a horn coming out of his mouth, and his blood is pooling on the floor." I couldn't see the scene and the sentence felt clunky. I think you don't need to say "who was dead." If you just tell the audience he has a horn rammed through his head, coupled with the following dialogue, the murder is apparent
Here are some other things I think need work
The story moved a little fast for me. I think you have a very interesting world put together here, and I'd like to see it in further detail. My biggest questions lie in the political setting of this world. The judge and his son seem to be able to get away with anything. Is this because of power, or what kind of creatures they are? Furthermore, Jacob seems to be the target of racial conflict. Are all races equal in this world? Or even if they are, do some races look down on others? Why? Is there some sort of racial hierarchy? If you rewrite this, I would recommend expanding it, putting in some scenes about James in the beginning that let us get a feel for him, as well as the world he lives in, maybe let us see his fiancee before she dies. You could also expand the scene between him and the dragon, letting the dialogue and action extend to build tension.
And some things I like the way they are
Like I said, I really like the world you've created here. I think it is imaginative, and would be interested in reading more stories that take place in such a setting.
Thanks again for letting me read your story
Happy Writing!
--Em
This was great. The "All You Need is Love" addition was especially great. Hope the Beatles don't just become elevator muzak! It sent shivers down my spine and kept me reading. I couldn't wait to find out what was up with the record. The fact that his name was Anderson reminded me of The Matrix, which I thought was interesting. (I'm not saying it's a bad thing.) This was especially fun to read because it was about a Beatles record.
Happy Writing! I'm reviewing Lynn McKenzie for "Invalid Item" !
The ending's fantastic. It sends a shiver down my spine just the way a good creepy story should. The creppiness itself was great. It drove me forward. I really liked where the poem is being read and beginning to come to life. (The burning and rewriting of the poem was also a nice touch.) I also think it's great that you were inspired to write this by a song. (Of course that, ironically, makes you seem more like Poe. The blackness at the end of the first section reminded me of The Neverending Story the way it swallowed everything up. But I'm curious: how did they escape this blackness (obviously giving evil the need to rewrite the poem in Paul McCartney's head.)
Happy Writing! I'm reviewing Lynn McKenzie for "Invalid Item" !
Ending:
A big surprise. I'm a fan of irony, so I loved it.
Something to think about:
If you want to play with this story, you could play out the vision differently, to make it look like it's about her, but play it out so that after the final scene, the audience says "oh! The dream was him!"
Good Tension:
I was gripped from beginning to end.
Allusion:
I'm a fan of incorporating music into writing and alluding to other works. I'm not familiar with this song, but knowing that you allude to it adds another demension to the story.
Happy Writing! I'm reviewing {susuer:lynnmckenzie} for "Invalid Item" !
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