A charming poem that invokes the many small magics of Winter. It's a wonderful season and I have always had a particular fondness for those works that bring its spirit to life, and on the whole that is the strength of this poem.
The tone of this is fanciful enough to give this vivacity, but unfortunately rhyme and meter don't quite work to support this. Ermine/begins and diary/memory read very uncomfortably, and the tercet style you have chosen for this poem is perhaps a little too unforgiving to these imperfect rhymes.
There is definite beauty to this, however, and with a little more work you could really make it shine. Good job. :)
Gentle, tender and inspiring. I found it a very enjoyable read even if I may not quite understand it. The use of alliteration and assonance is a definite strong point, contributing to the overall elegance of the poem quite effectively.
My favourite part:
Devotion in its clearest form,
if transparent love you're after,
to wash away my worldly woes
by bathing in your laughter.
This poem has a very well-balanced buildup and pace that perfectly complement the topic. It whispers suspence, roars violence and withdraws tenderly to a whisper once more, invoking images of natural violence that are otherwise hard to grasp. Chapeau.
This poem made me shiver. It echoes the voices of the fallen, and reading this was like hearing them speak. We often forget the sacrifices of our soldiers, now and in the past, and take for granted the freedom they delivered- they have no more voice to remind us, but if they did then this is what they would say.
The rhyme and meter of this poem may not have been perfect, but the chosen words are so powerful that the small flaws of this piece are easily forgiven or forgotten. Very well-written; keep up the awe-inspiring work!
An immensely beautiful poem. There is a tenderness and fragility to it that had me captivated the whole way through. The choice of words invokes an air of dreams both bitter and sweet, and at the same time is reminiscent of the plight of many. I was impressed with the way this poem captures the essence of eternal love, but most of all how it symbolises undying hope.
My favourite part I think was this:
The thing which you long for and can never attain--
She planted blue roses for Willie McShane.
But of course, I also particularly admired this:
The blue roses nodded in the morning light
then turned red, and yellow and, finally, white.
I read this poem as a tribute to the human spirit, on top of everything else it means to me. I would comment on things I think could be improved, but this is a gem of poetry. Simply amazing.
A thought-provoking and touching poem. I like the way this captures the essence of a war's bitter aftertaste; reading this took me back to memorial sites I have visited.
I had some trouble reading this through in one go, the poem seems to lack a little in rhythm. The rhyme, too, wasn't always perfect, but on the whole this was well worth reading.
Very engaging, I enjoyed reading this to the end. The descriptions are very vivid without being excessive, and on the whole the tale is well told. It's a shame that the characters remain relatively flat; there is a solid base for them to be very interesting. I thought the end alluded to more possible stories of Mahir and his new friends; those, I think, I would like to see. This story certainly is promising enough.
My only real problem with this piece is that it doesn't appear to have been proof read. There are numerous grammatical errors that spell check won't catch (e.g. there vs. their) and after a while that started to interfere with normal reading. There were some spelling and punctuation issues too, and in one instance, I think an entire sentence or even paragraph disappeared:
Morgan opened his mouth as if to say something, then seemed to think better of it. He nodded and his
For the most part those are very small issues- a little polishing would improve this piece a lot. It's a good story, but even a good story can be ruined if there are too many small mistakes.
Amazing. Simply amazing. I found this on a friend's favourites list and I can see why it belongs there.
The poem reads very well, its flow is simple and elegant. Here and there the rhythm falters a little, but the evocative power of the words chosen to bring the piece to life completely negate any imperfections.
I particularly enjoyed this stanza:
Let me hear you tell your stories
Of struggles, failures, joyous glories
Let not your voice be stilled in death
But ride the wind and give it breath
Let me hear the wind in the pines
I enjoyed reading this immensely even if it wasn't perfect- the rhyme is a little off here and there, and little flaws in meter sometimes disrupt the flow of the poem. These little flaws do little to diminish the overall charm of the poem, however, and seem to stress what is said rather than undermining it.
Example: "So young was he and how he dreamed of gold and fame he'd take / Of the home that he would build her once he'd earned a fitting stake."
The second line here counts an extra syllable, and when read aloud disrupts the flow. The drawback is that it easily confuses the reader or may foil the rhythm of a speaker, but the strength here lies in the underlying imperfection: the flawed sentence may serve the purpose of drawing attention to the failure of the knight to live up to this ideal.
The phrase "Defender of the Faith" reminded me a little too much of Henry VIII of England, and I'm not sure this was intentional. As a phrase it suits the theme of a knight errant, but considering the ambiguous nature of the title itself it draws the poem towards history more than fantasy. This makes the use of the phrase uncomfortable at best.
"Some roads once they are taken lead but one way...never back." I found this line particularly evocative and moving. It captures the essence of what this poem seems to be.
There's a lot of effort and it has visibly paid off, although this epyllion could do with some more polishing.
A lot of the lines don't scan very well, and you seem to have some trouble with the meter. Most lines fall short of the traditional hexameter of an epyllion by at least two syllables, and the irregularities that have crept in had me struggling with the overall flow a lot. I couldn't work out if you were aiming for a pentameter or something else entirely. Try reading this aloud once or twice, you'll see what I mean.
The work overall is charming, I liked the choice of words. Sometimes the rhyme feels a little too artificial, but it never gets clumsy.
I've greatly enjoyed reading this, and I think that with a little more consistency in meter this could be a perfect 5. All it really needs is some technical tweaking. Keep up the good work!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/elvy
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 12:43am on Nov 11, 2024 via server WEBX2.
| (4.0)
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
