I am a frozen angel, - love this opening line - it is really gripping.
I got in trouble.
Cause i fell for the wrong guy. I want to know MORE about this.
My halo is cracked in half, - great imagery, but how does it fit into the idea of frozen angel?
I think i have a horn on the of my head. This line is awkward. I know you're going for the opposite of an angel, but it's too overt. I'd like it to be more subtle.
I was a good angel till, it's that redudant? A good angel? Aren't all angels good?
I fell for the wrong guy. Too repetitive from the third line. It's a short poem, so choose your words and lines carefully.
He broke my heart,
made it frezze. - do you mean freeze? I don't like that last line. I would like to see something stronger, but I see the tie in to frozen angel.
I like this overall. I think that maybe you could add some more details and stronger images to make it really pop. Stick with the frozen angel tone. I really enjoyed the different take on heartbreak. Great job!
I liked the opening paragraphs on the story, though. They pulled me in. I wanted to have some suspense or some tension built into the lines, to help set my frame of mind. Adding some imagery would help your readers feel understanding the emotions behind the main character.
This is a very rushed story - so much happens in such a short amount of time, I feel like I'm being cheated at a true story. First thing's first - tread lightly in vampire stories where the mortal girl is in love with the vampire boy and the vampire boy doesn't want her to be a vampire, etc. It's Twilight and it's been done. Be original, be unique, and be different.
The twist with the brother was a little bit confusing to me. So, the brother was a vampire and the guy she loved wasn't a vampire, but pretended to be? Is that what this line means: "I was afraid you would leave me because I'm not who you want me to be." So she wanted a vampire and he wasn't? I'm confused...And she is mad at him because he lied to her and left her and then she became a vampire and she's leaving him?
What's the motive behind the brother "turning" her into a vampire? Why would he do that? There needs to be a back story here. Just a little. And what's the story with Erica and him. Where'd they meet? Why are they together? What's his connection to the brother that turned her? Do they live together?
In all honesty, I was very nervous going into a vampire story in a post-Twilight world, but I was pleasingly surprised. The character "Tranquility" had the best tone and was described really well - she was the anithesis of the other vampire-series heroine (except, avoid the description raven-black hair).
I enjoyed the series of three questions that were presented at the front of the story - they pulled me in, made me wonder, and made me want to continue reading.
Also, the details: "smiled playing on his chapped, cracked lips"; "shaggy black hair, deep hazel eyes, a lip and a nose piercing"; "blond hair and black lowlights came in with a smile" were great. They really brought a clear and exact picture in my mind.
What was lacking for me was the room of vampires at the end that all stood around looking at Tranquility and thinking about "Is she the one?" That was a little cliche, a little typical for was created throughout the story. Maybe if you narrowed the number to just the main players, Tranquilty, Frank, and one of the others, it would help with the feel of the story.
For me, the names don't work. (But, that's just a personal thing). I want to connect with the readers, and I want to see who they are and that means through their names too. Tranquility doesn't suit her - unless of course, you're trying to convey that. And Frank for a vampire hero? Frank doesn't fit his stature... his essence... Again, that's just a personal thing, and it would be interesting to see how other people feel about the names.
Last thing I want to see, is a clearer setting created. The characters are very real, and I want to see a real place too. Add that imagery in, and it would be interesting.
The overall plot, I feel, is not quite developed yet. She's hit by a car, rescued by vampires, and then bitten which will inevitably mean that she will be a vampire is lacking. I want something else to happen.
I think that you began with some really great details: "The rubbre soles of a small pair of boots meet the carpet..." That was unique and different and I enjoyed that.
I am a little lost about the purpose of this piece. Why exactly did she get on the plane? What is she running from (if she is even running from anything)? I need more answers in this short little piece to help me better appreciate it.
Some grammatical things: Canada should always capitalized; reamerged should be reemerged; towards doesn't have an s on it (unless you're in Britain); nervesly = nervously; god damm = God damn
Wording wise: "got out what she wanted from her bag and stowed it under the seat in front." Tell me what she got out of the bag, just add a good detail or two in there, and you don't really need the extra detail - "in front" we get it.
Overall, I think you have something good to work with here. I think that you just need to refocus some attention to the appropriate areas.
I enjoy the tone of this short piece. i like the character you've created... she tells it like it is, is truthful in a sarcastic / humorous / brutal way, and you can actually hear her very clearly... she is real.
The first line really brings me in. I liked that aspect of it.
I really want to see more details. Since the title is "Sunset" I want to see the actual details of seeing the sunset, what it looks like, the smells around her, and the special moment with Kyle. Go with this mantra: Show, don't tell.
Show me that Kyle is different... don't just tell me. Give me details that make him different.
Watch out for the run on sentences your piece. Also, check for spelling errors and other things that detract from the overall purpose.
Overall, nice job.
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