\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ellie_mack
Review Requests: OFF
38 Public Reviews Given
39 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Stars  Open in new Window.
Review by Ellie Mack Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Creative, concise, and pleasing. I like the flow, I'm not much on poetry - this was a random read that I let the computer pick. I like your explanation after more than the poetry.
2
2
Review by Ellie Mack Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You have a clear concise writing voice. YOu convey your thoughts well. The story moves along at a fairly steady pace. Not overly tedious, and not so vague that it leaves the reader clueless.
Watch an overuse of commas. Written grammar is not the same as spoken English, although you can take some cues from it.
Overall story : well done
Flow: Excellent
Voice: excellent

There area few spots I personally would like to know more details, but then I'm a detail writer.
Overall, well done.
My only advice, which is very common; brush up on grammar. I picked up a textbook from an English comp class at a garage sale for a quarter. I find myself referencing it often. Also, invest in William Zinssers book "On Writing Well"

Would love to read more of your work
3
3
Review by Ellie Mack Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
I enjoyed reading this very much. Each of our reasons for writing may be different, but the passion, or compulsion to do it is always there. The consistency and diligence you have shown over the years is admirable. Nerds unite!!! IN my time, we were called nerds, geeks, and many other things. I have two daughters who are straight A students who are already writing their own books.
Just remember, all the popular cool people with all the cool toys may live in the world, but it's the geeks who rule it!
Where would they be without the programmers who designed the smart phones? The authors who penned their current popular "movie"? (as most want to see the movie without ever cracking the books.
We create a magical world that entices others to enter, sometimes at their own risk. Yet they are drawn in . . .and wander deeper . . .running their hands on ancient stones . . .skirting the swamps . . .avoiding the monsters . . .compelled to continue forward.
Well done, and well put!
4
4
Review of True Beauty  Open in new Window.
Review by Ellie Mack Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well done! This has a good meter.
I think this is beautiful. YOu have an understanding beyond most in your age group, and many older than you!
Be consistent with punctuation as below:
Covering your face (Be consistent on punctuation, you used it on the lines before then not here, same in next example)
Or the flashy clothes you wear (Be consistent on punctuation)
Overall, fantastic.
Write On! And welcome aboard!

Ellie Mack
5
5
Review of THE MESSAGE  Open in new Window.
Review by Ellie Mack Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
You have a descriptive voice. This was a real sensory pleasure. You have incorporated the senses around you - sight, sound,smells, taste. You have great potential.
Some things I noticed:
P1: comma after eye, first line; realized - spelling
P2: realized - spelling
P3: whatever (that) had caused the movement - I think you should delete that. it makes more sense without it
P4: realized - ok, you need a new descriptive. The first two paragraphs had realized in it, twice in this paragraph. Can't you say this without overusing this word?
P6: quotations, where are they? Always set your dialogue off with quotations; again with the realized
Watch your leading words - then, next, this time. YOu can show sequential actions and statements without telling them.
P7: confused; I'm assuming He's talking? Again quotations to set apart the dialogue. What happened to the descriptive voice you started off with? What facial ticks are noticable while he's talking? Does he clasp her hand, fondle her fingers, lift them to his mouth and kiss, what? Or does he just stand there, speak then turn. Use that voice from before and give his big moment some oomph!!

Overall, nicely done! Remember all comments are just my opinion. Take it for what it's worth or trash it, your choice.

Write On!

Ellie Mack
6
6
Review by Ellie Mack Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Intrigueing!!
An unusual view, but interesting.
Grammar was good, punctuation good, and writing style excellent.

Not much more to say, but well done!
Write On!

Ellie Mack
7
7
Review by Ellie Mack Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I think this has a lot of potential.
Storyline: Great!
Flow: well done. I think there are some places that it's maybe a little too play by play, moving at a pedantic pace. I realize you're setting the stage, but it needs to progress quicker.
Think ACTION! YOu have a very descriptive voice, and an eye for detail.
Grammar: Here's where you need some work. I know grammar classes were boring for me, but it's necessary in written form. I made a few (remember my opinion only) suggested corrections in a section below.
One of the things that helps me is after I write it the first time I let it sit for a day or two. Then I go back over it and make any corrections that I see. Then, read it out loud to yourself. You can hear where you need to make changes better than you can see it. You the author kinow exactly what you're trying to convey. When you hear it, you become the reader, and those quirky places don't sound right.
Also, before you post, do a self edit to check punctuation, grammar, and anything else that you are aware of in your own writing. Me? I know I have a problem with run on sentences, slang, and sentence fragments. My brain doesn't think in complete grammatical sentences. I have to write it down to get it on paper, then go back and edit because I know I wrote it down just as I thought it.
Just a thought, it's what I do that helps me. It may not be the right thing for you. Experiment to find your groove, then go with it.
All in all, well done!! You have a great idea here, a fine story base and a good voice. It just needs a bit of spit and polish is all.
Fantastic, keep writing!!

Ellie macki





The day had started as any other day. (Unnecessary, delete this word.) The girls and I had woken up and meditated, (wording awkward, can you say this differently?) Kyra looked over at me, the hint of a request etched on her face.

"Can we visit the runes of Tanara? I've recently looked up the history of the place and I would really love to study the language written on the walls?" she asked, a twinkle of excitement radiated from her open eyes as she waited for my response,(.) I glanced over at Tera, (.) She was day dreaming again,(.) I snapped my fingers in front of her face, she blinked a couple of times.

"What, what did I miss?"

"You missed me telling Kyra that we are going to Tanara." I replied as Kyra squealed, we finished our meditation and went to eat.

The kitchen was painted a mellow shade of blue decorated with swirl marks every so often. (Nice visual, can you reword like – occasional swirls?) On the wall above the stove was a plentiful amount of different kitchen utensils hung up by shiny metal nails. None of them was (were) used this time, because the girls opted out of a big breakfast and went for the cereal and milk. (choosing cold cereal instead.) I stood at the door and watched them sit down and start to (omit) eat.

"Girls there is one thing we have to talk about before we go anywhere." I said

"What’s that?" they said in unison(.)

"Have you ever wondered why I haven't let you girls out in the world alone?" I asked hoping they didn't hear the sorrow that was laced in my voice. They looked at me but didn't reply so I continued.

"This world has become dangerous for us mirrors." I said flinching at the word mirror,(.) It was a stereotypical name, never changing(,) almost cursed. The word although (change around – Although, the word) was an exact representation of how our power works, but the history behind the word was terrifying to say the least.
8
8
Review by Ellie Mack Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Great poem!
Nice wording, great rhythm, and flows well.
You have a talent for poetry! have you been published?

Great job! Keep up the writing!!

Ellie Mack
9
9
Review of Love story  Open in new Window.
Review by Ellie Mack Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Is there more???
Other than a few grammatical errors, and some possible rewording in a few spots, this is great.
I think you could add some more emotional punch as well. What emotions are they feeling? Who is the love interest? Is this going to be a romance or a mystery? What???? TELL ME MORE>

Ellie
10
10
Review by Ellie Mack Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I don't write poetry but enjoy reading it. I really like this. Well Done!
Ellie
11
11
Review by Ellie Mack Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Good, very good. I only found a few things, do with them as you will. This is only my opinion, so take it for what it's worth.

The first sentence is a run on - change this to two sentences with more descriptives. Show me the scene, make me feel like I'm on that bluff overlooking the ocean.

The "hem" of her dress - at least I don't think you meant that she had a ham tied to it? LOL

Keep your verb tense the same - and remembr active tense is more exciting. The reader doesn't want to know what happened, they want to know what is happening right now.

When the old woman says "There's a storm" can you elaborate a little more, give more of a sense of intrigue. I want chills down my spine here, not oh there's a storm, big deal. If he's the captain of a ship he knows how to handle storms. What makes this one so ominous? Need some more foreshadowing, or hint of danger..vvYou know how some people say 'what would Jesusdo?" Well I often ask myself what would "my favorite writer" like Agatha Christie or Carolyn Keene do here? How would they handle this?

Expand this some more before you change to Lorena. The story so far wuldn't keep her interested, which tells me that there's a lot more to it that you haven't written yet. It's always easier to cut words out after you've added everything you possibly can.
I think this is very good, and has the potential to be great!
12
12
Review of Why me?  Open in new Window.
Review by Ellie Mack Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I think you have a very good rough draft here. Go back over it and make the grammatical corrections. Watch your run-on sentences. Punctuation is needed.
Watch your tense. Don't switch from present tense to past tense. Action verbs in present tense carry a story much better than past tense verbs.
Don't give up, I think there's some gold here, you just need to refine it a bit.
Remember first year piano students don't give concerts, professionals do. That means practice, practice and more practice. In our case - writing, writing, and rewriting.
YOu have a good voice, it just needs a little work. I think there is lot of potential here.
One thing I've found is that if you read it out loud, you catch more mistakes because it doesn't "sound" right.

Never, never, never give up.
Ellie
13
13
Review by Ellie Mack Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Fantastic.
You stuck with your main theme, didn't ramble.
Emotional Impact - the last few poems I've read, were lacking that.
Only a few typos - Line 3 Then I not i
3rd stanza "Oh why is it I never (you) saw" Did you mean to put you in there?
There are a few places where I s lower case.
Last stanza - setting on the sun - should that be of?

Other than a few minor grammatical errors, this was great!
Ellie
14
14
Review by Ellie Mack Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thought provoking. YOu have good visuals, I almost shivered. Probably would have if it hadn't been so hot here.
The only thing it might be lacking is emotional impact. BUT, keep in mind I don't write poetry, I like to read it though.
I enjoyed reading it!
Ellie
15
15
Review of In the Garden  Open in new Window.
Review by Ellie Mack Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Intrigueing! I like it. Edgy, quirky.
16
16
Review by Ellie Mack Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
You have a lot of potential here. I loved the creative ideas. It could use more descriptive writing - more show less tell. Would have been higher rating except for the grammar. There are a lot of grammatical mistakes, punctuation mistakes.
power got CAUGHT; resin = reason; last DITCH effort; couldn't foresee;
I've never felt anything (double negative here); men who BOUGHT ME; very men who POURED;
suggested change: If I speak even one word in front of anyone
don't remember what THEIR faces; what I looked like (awkward); beast isn't ALLOWED; forcefully THROW; bloody PIECE of ; my BOWELS (suggest stomach or insides); everything ELSE; mouth began to salivate;
like a SOLDIER.

Make the grammatical corrections and a few more descriptives and this will be great. I think you have a vivd imagination, and a clever writing style. Just work on the grammar, boring I know, but it counts if you ever want to get published.
17
17
Review of Gender Translator  Open in new Window.
Review by Ellie Mack Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Love it! I'd be willing to bet the divorce rate would go down. Of course there would have to be a screening feature to filter out the more explicit "what they're really saying". Good job!
18
18
Review of Strange Affair  Open in new Window.
Review by Ellie Mack Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I've only tried my hand a few times at poetry, so I don't know how much this helps.
YOu can feel the passion building. A sense of rawness, the sex act without emotional bond.
It builds to the climax, but then falls.
Somewhat disappointing, yet intrigueing.
19
19
Review of Trick or Tweet  Open in new Window.
Review by Ellie Mack Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Interesting. Realistic dialog. Flows smoothly.
19 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ellie_mack