I like your story, and the characters you paint are so vibrant and in synch with their ages : typically non-chalant and so carefree Alexis, self-protective and reserved Jasper. The story’s unfolding is fast-paced and just right for a Chapter 1, that one would want to continue reading to know what happens to the characters..
I read your words, and a deep longing to say those words to someone hit me..why, i could have written those words myself. You have a way with words that i love; it expresses the same feelings so eloquently. Sometimes you are cruel ( i can be the fire that ignites you and turns you to ash ), you can be empathetic ( we share the same ache ). You have used similes and metaphors very effectively, and very vividly draw a great emotional picture. Write on!
Your sense of despair and helplessness is well- expressed in this poem, and the reader can relate to your emotions expressed here. At first i thought you have given up, but then you take the higher road and considered a future even as you accept regretting your past. Humans share the common experience of Regret, but Hope is also one that will take us through Despair and to Joy. No one lives thru life without regretting at least one major decision made in this lifetime. Keep writing!
Your poem describes a close, serious relationship that is affectionate yet fun for the both of you, and i like that. You have an understanding tolerance for your girl’s “ shoppaholic “ leanings , and your sense of humor is apparent. If only lovers of all ages can show such a sense of humor in their relationship,especially after they are married, then a lot of marriages will survive the ravages of daily living. Write on!
Very simply put, both as a warning and as an advice to how reviews must be done. It is very concise and tight, too, a well-written rhyming poem. Thanks a lot!
My first impulse when i finish reading your handiwork: run already, what are you doing in this sadistic relationship? You are graphically able to drive home the point. I like freeform, but i think you need to review the use of the coma, periods for emphasis, believe you can still enhance this by improving on the minute details of the technicalities ( example, placing a period at the end of a stanza, rather than just leaving it hanging ).
Bravo! I can relate to the feelings you so freely expressed in your poem. Sometimes one can hear this comment : drives like a girl, or a woman; of course being a woman this drives me crazy : this vague innuendo about a girl/woman's ability/or lack of it is so unfair, but one can't control other people's opinion, only one's responses to the provocation. I like the orderly progression you presented , and the exit line : and I'll walk away like a woman: like me. It's standing up for your conviction and self-respect, and I like that.
did you mean " your insecurity "? or you're insecurity " ?
Keep writing!
I liked your characterization of Grandma Lee amidst the threat of the super storm Helga. She had spunk and a quirky sense of humor. It is just unfortunate that her " couldn't care less " attitude and lack of preparation had cost her her life and probably that of her young grandchildren.
The beginning of your play, or novel ( whatever it is you intend to end up with ), is reviting , suspenseful , very fast-paced , and sinister. I'd like for it to have a happy ending for the royal passengers in the coach (but of course, you have the liberty to write and end the story ). This will make a terrific story.
You have a very tight, well-written story there. And the fact that it is a true story which saw the passing of the years before the secret is revealed did not allow the story to suffer in the telling ( the memories remained vivid in your mind ). You have captured the haunting sadness of your mom's suffering and grief, and put a lump in the readers' throat when you described the contents of that box . Made me think about the future...what will my own family be thinking once I'm gone as they go through my personal things?
First, I really like the poem, and what you said about resolutions is so true. Second, thank you, Ken for the Dorsimbra form lesson...this is a new thing for me, and I appreciate the tutorial.
I condole with and identify with your emotions regarding the passing away of your mom...your work serve two important purposes : catharsis which helps during the grieving process, and creating and recording fond memories about a very significant other in your life. I am glad that you seem to have undergone a normal grieving process which starts with anger ( usually directed at the loved one who left ) then the fact that love had really surfaced and the pain had mellowed and you are able to recall the good times more than the bad. A little polish and editing and you have written a great piece about the pain of losing your mom and the memories of the fun times you had together. Keep writing!
I like the rustic scene you've vividly painted, the people and their characters, their habits and preoccupation, even the thoughts in their heads...there is a sense of timelessness and a predictability of it all...like the rose's surviving the frost every after winter, and the fact that Ben, the main local character,outlives them all...i also like the fact that you have put structure and rhyme into quite a long poem, which is not easy to do..keep writing !
I like the imagery and the words you use to paint it. The only correction I can make in this vignette is your spelling of solace ( not solice ), and a typographical error of jusitfy (justify, you meant?)
You've written a refreshingly pleasant romantic short story which reminds us about the innocence of youth and the excitement of falling in love. What memories you have evoked ...have fun and continue writing!
Your poetry is so full of raw emotions . I can just imagine the kind of home life and atmosphere your characters have during this time. A child who grows up in this environment will find it hard to love another, for he always feel the hurt, the anger, the violence emanating from the father. An unhappy,bitter person have nothing to give but misery to another. It is like acid, corroding anything along its way. It is not healthy to stay, better to leave until both are healed and learn to be kinder to each other.
I can feel the agony and the bitterness in every line you wrote, but my favorite is the last 3 lines : And you the cold metal scraper....
The decision to end love is truly a brutal, raw thing, especially to an offspring of that love...it's like erasing all memories , and it is so sad. I hope you have moved on, and had forgiven whoever the parent who initiated the separation.
I can relate to your thoughts, for this is sometimes how a busy person deals with a lot of things to do , but so little time: fantasizing and shelving instead of acting on them, as if it were really going to put order and meaning to his/her day . But I like it that you beat us into putting these thoughts into a poem ( *- ).
The person in your poem is a character; the hodge-podge of knickknacks that surround her attest to the "quaintness" of her ...she is an interesting collector of sorts, more like an absent-minded gypsy who just forgets to clean up after her ( *- ), and your title is so apt .
Great story,and what imagination! I also love the lessons the author is trying to teach through Droleen : to lighten up and be happy as opposed to the attitude of the Grettas in this world!
You have chosen to write an essay on human value, existence and man's intrinsic struggle for meaning, which is quite difficult enough to do. The premise upon which you based your arguments, and the conclusions you've made are abstract and hard to grasp ( for me ), that is why I admire your bravery in writing about such a difficult topic; it is not really light , but heavy ( pardon my pun for your choice of your title ) because it is a serious treatise on life.
This is a sad sad poem about a child ..metal shackles...is she/he handicapped ? If so, it is understandable, the feelings of being alienated, of hopelessness, of being different at such a young age of eight, is so well-expressed in your work...write on!
A knight in shining armor? You wish rescue from a predictable, boring domesticated married life ? I like the imagery you spin by the words you use in your poem...but it is also a terrible thing to be torn into two worlds, and I can understand your pain. Poetry can be a medium of escape, for many. Write on!
What a pain, I can imagine. I hope your professor reads this ( : - ) so he'll be more prepared and do justice to his students. Can relate to your experience, because when I was a student I used the boring classes to write poetry or an essay to pass the time and not fall flat on my face and be caught napping. Very creative of you !
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