Hi
You've reviewed some of my works so I am returning the favour.
I really like it, good flow, commenting on what all of us have asked at some time in our lives.
That said, I just have one suggestions to eradicate the deadly "and" that plaques us all. It inhibits the flow in my mind.
These are just minor suggestions feel free to use them or not as you see fit.
Wow, sorry about the pain, but true love is never given with conditions.
You are hurt of course, but I would think Lucky to have been done with this self centred, narcissistic, person
Very well expressed. Only a dog lover would understand that they bond with you and become family.
The only family member who will never criticize, is always happy to excess when you return to them, be it 15 minutes or days.
A family member, a friend who always is there for you.
It have happened to me several times over the decades, I still remember each, tho a bit hazily at times. The pain of their passing is only overcome by the great memories.
Remember these good times and know the you have been loved unconditionally by your wonderful friend!
Edgework reviewed a difficult piece of mine and directed me to this essay. The review was right on and has helped me immensely.
The good news is that this essay clarifies both prose & poetry to a fair degree. Perhaps a bit heavy on the prose side and a touch repetitive while not quite so good on the poetry description.
I agree totally with what has been said.
It defines my frustration with so called "poetry" that is in fact prose. Perhaps I am old fashioned, but I am at a loss to see prose being touted as poetry.
At my best, poetry should be emotional, the reader should feel the flow of words, meanings and, like a poem or not, it will have evoked various emotions. To me, that is poetry.
Welcome to this site, you have great talent and I love this poem!
I am sure it will help you grow in your art as it has me over the last 16 years. I suggest you read the reviews and discard any suggestion that doesn't fit your style. Some reviews may have one valid suggestion out of many. It is just the reviewers opinion.
I like your imagery, butterflies and birds symbolizing all that is gentle and peaceful. Bemoaning our faults in glorifying unending war.
Lines 3 & 4 are delightful and shows us your humor & humanity.
I love the line "fluttering up my day"
Now the critique.
First some minor stuff, capitalize the first use of "america"
I was sitting in a field of meadows
Where the sun has shined all day
And the tips of the grass ,tickled my feet
I started to giggle just like a little girl
There were two butterflies flying
They were both in love
Each --- landed on my shoulder,
then whispered Words of love,
two ---- are better than one
They were flying so very peacefully,
fluttering up my day
And they kept on saying, True Love will come some day
Then a little birdie chirped
we are all here for love
Until humans "get this"
there will always be war
We don't like the sound of bombings,
or the sound of guns
For they hurt the environment
and the sky above
The grass that you are here on
how long will it be
Then the birds kept singing
"America" is not free
Two swans grabbed each of my hands
And brought me to the water
And showed me how clear
the water could be
If only America will learn
to make peace
When will people get the message
two by two we shall lead
Instead you gothave a generation
where love is something they cannot see
They are destroying this whole planet
with their chemical driven minds
They are ruining the love
that some of us want to find
Brain washing people with their antics
When the solution is plain to see
TheyYou keep on bringing on war
There will never be peace
So the butterfly whispered to me,
I know you are not like them
You understand love
You are one that don'twon't give up till the end
The butterflies said
the last whisper we will give to you
love is like a song, You just have toFind the right partner thatwho knows the tune
Hi
Congratulations, having just turned 70 years it resonates with me.
Perhaps some minor changes to suggest. As I read it aloud (important to me to get the rhythm) I stumble just a bit.
I would eliminate all of the "and"s classic stumbling blocks and not needed in your delightful work. Except in "Boys can smile and play"
Second stanza second line might read "Allergic all to exercise" the repetition of "now" on two lines doesn't work for me.
Being a father of two girls I find this poem inspiring.
I will make a few suggestions that you may use or discard as you think fit.
You may find that eliminating "but" in the second line and "and" in the sixth would be of benefit.
I usually find that these types of words slow the readers eye and are unnecessary. Your thoughts in this poem come across clearly without them.
Perhaps the third line could read "I was youthfully independent"
Rhyming in the second line of each stanza falls a bit flat for me. You have ended these words with "ight" which is the same for the last line and repeated "tonight" which could be improved by changing to a different word rhyme or not rhyming this line at all.
I find this very moving. The repetition of "I'll say..." in the first line gives the poem a great deal of "punch" and reinforces what your are attempting.
It took a bit to understand you were actually saying goodbye, but I would not change that.
As a matter of fact I see nothing that I would change.
Elby
Hi
Interesting start. While I concentrate on writing poetry I enjoy reading massive amounts of Fiction.
Since the "Orb" is a key item in the story I would always capitalize the "O"
I believe your solution would be to map out a sequence, very basic as you will fill it in as you go. You have four points of interest you need to incorporate in your story so make a list of points on a page for each. No idea what you will actually do but the following is a sample that I hope helps, it will work for short story or long one to just focus your thoughts. As your imagination goes to work you can add, change or ignore any of its points.
It is my impression that if you write a semi complete story for each person, start to semi-finished, then interleave the paragraphs or chapters where they fit best you may have an easier time of this project. Any of our book authors out there may provide better advice for you.
1. Kalina - apprentice, shocked/frightened by Arien, Orin saves, seek solace riding in woods, meets new stranger (call him NEWBOY, who attracts her (later this could prove to be Arien in disguise or not, could be her new hero, surprisingly to her becomes proficient in use of magic even Orin can't do, eventually defeats Arien to much acclaim, kalina gets Newboy or not.
2. Orin's history with the Orb, why he has it, why hiding, what reason Arien has for wanting it.
3. Arien's point of view, why he wants it, what he will do with it, and how he plans to get it .
So that was just a quick idea for you, hope it helps
Elby
Just a few short suggestions
Line five should be "therefore" and further down you should use "accept" not "except" and second last "Freedom's.
I know, I know perhaps being too picky.
As a suggestion, read it aloud to yourself a number of times and you will find it helps you know where to make changes.
Keep up the good work
Elby
Most importantly, I like it.
I do find that it does lose some impact being double spaced. This prevents the reader from grasping the flow and the impact that can come with appropriate line groupings. You may consider this.
Dinner was at six P.M.
Send So Joey was sent to the chicken pen.
Knowing well, one chickens fate
Joey saw there was found no chicken crate.
So deftly with his bare hands
He began chasing the hens
As they scattered around round the pens.
The rooster came out loudly crowing
Then And Joey shouted all knowing
“Go away number ten
I will take me a nice fat hen”
“Go back to your roost
or I will give you a boost
Or would you like to roast”
“We will start a the New Year
With rooster number eleven
For you will be in chicken heaven.”
This really is well done. It grabs you from the start and pulls you along. Love the way you follow the path of diminishing fonts with I am not going to die.
Some of the middle paragraphs should be joined together as the extra spacing there seems to detract rather than add to the story.
When you use them for effect you do it brilliantly to in the action sequences. It is a matter of too much use detracts from the dramatic effect your repetition of blank space adds to the story. (Did I just do the same, Grin)
I am definitely impressed.
Please do not send me any points, I am sending you some.
You wrote this poem for yourself. You know what it means, I know what it means but it does not tell the story to others. Each poem must allow the reader to understand what is happening. Perhaps not until the end, but it must be a story they can understand and relate to.
The first stanza is good, it sets up a question in the readers mind. What is happening here.
In the second stanza perhaps try
‘He’s got to face the truth,’
He wouldn't call to tell you' she says.
How strange
she feels the need
to do what’s right, when he won't
although she knows
full well
they’ve betrayed me
Slight changes to the third stanza carries the story forward.
Betrayed me since they met
so wrong.
How strange
to hear her speak
of my belov’d as her own,
as if she’s the one
who’s loved him,
heart and soul,
a decade of cherished years.
You have changed the person to whom you are talking jumping from her to him. As if she wasn't there when actually he isn't. Change the last stanza to
“I know,”
is all I say
as everything
fades
to
black.
Hope this helps. Read it with the changes and see if you like any/all of them.
Ebly
Attention members. this newbie has some very good poetry and I highly recommend her to you.
Give her all the help you can.
Here I am again. I like it.
Accept or ignore as you wish the following, then read it aloud to yourself and see if the changes help.
Basically delete all of the "And"'s with the possible exception of the very last one. But even there you could use "To celebrate your gift". I know this uses "to" in both the last two lines but occasionally repetition is good.
Elby
PS - welcome on board. I see others have already rated some of your poems.... Great, I know many more will enjoy your work.
Just a couple of suggestions.
1. I would change it to "That even the hardest diamonds
Could all crack"
I would suggest that you would achieve better impact if you put changed the last words, first line of stanza 4 amd last line of poem to end with be "What If".
Bye the way, if you find the button let me know as I would love to use it to fix a failed/failing relationship.
Interesting and I find relevent to me just now.
when I read it aloud to myself I find a few "stumbles"
Line 2 I would drop "just" as it will flow much better.
In the third stanza I would drop all "and's" they really are not needed and just impede the reader's eyes.
In the fifth stanza "Redo all the past mistakes" seems to me to be contrary to what you actually mean. We want to undo those mistakes. In understand the need to have a "re" here but can't quite think how to phrase it for you. as the effect. something like "To redo the past without mistakes" (I know this is weak but you see what i mean?
Personally I would like to see "gotta" change to "got to" or "have to". You may have used them for effect but to this reader it doesn't work as well as it could.
I like the poem, use what you will of my suggestions and discard what you don't like.
Some really nice lines and thoughts. second to the last line needs some work. Isn't it the minority, elected ones who abuse the power and authority, without going back to the majority who elected them in the first place? Darned if I know how to put that in your poem tho.
I really like it. It captures a moment that I can relate to, were you watching when that happened to me?
I would change "the dance is strong" to "the dance has force" or "dance is magnetic". Also "they push him" needs some work, as does the last line.
I have always found that darned last line is the hardest to get just right. It may help you to read your poem aloud, when you stumble over a line or word then that is the one that needs to be worked upon. Try it as this method does work.
you have some very good lines and stanza's. I love the first one.
The second is weak, you were stretching to make the ryhme. I know I have been there! Remember, poetry does not have to be complete sentences with structure like a sentence. Try something like:
I need a place to run
My legs are far too short
I'm not here just for fun
Please mend my breaking heart.
You must try to keep the first person viewpoint throughout, "I" and not switch to the "YOU".
perspective.
the third is pretty good but the last line may need another look. what do you think?
I think "Faded handprints on our hearts,
And tears that wouldn't come." us great, but you switch again in the next two lines. How about:
"I felt our life was missing parts,
My heart, it just felt numb"
in "Take a breath, take a chance
Smile your frown, laugh a real laugh.
There's more to this world than romance-
And another who's your 'other half'." I think you are using too many words that affect the rythem. Try
Take a breath, take a chance
Smile your frown, laugh a laugh.
This world is more than just romance-
And another, "other", your "other half"
The rest is also good.
Overall I like your effort and really admire some of the lines. Take my comments for the help I intend, discard those you don't like, use any others you want.
Good luck and keep up the great work.
Interesting, I can see a few problems but overall I like the style.
The first and second stanza are good. Third stanza last line is weak to my view. Consider revising it in some way. The last line in stanza five needs some work, the last word just doesn't make it for me although I can't think what you should use. I like the last stanza except for the second line. How about "Sad memories filled with gloom".
Please use what you will, I really do like it but tend to be objective and hopefully positive in my remarks.
I like what you have written.
From a strictly personal point of view:
Either delete line one or three, both are not needed, if you keep line three correct the spelling of "Taday".
The line that ends with "all is well" is not strong nor constructive to the poem. Personally I would delete it.
the line "And now I hope you see that this" should be rewritten to " And now you see that this"
Forget your hope and be positive at this point, it adds strength to what you have said.
If you accept none of my advice, I still think this a very good work. Keep on, keep on, keep on. You have got the idea.
Hello
This is very interesting.
May I suggest that the dreaded "and" should be reduced in your work? It is a word that really breaks or slows the reader's eye. In truth we do need to use it but try some changes mentioned below, then read the line aloud to yourself. If you find it better great, otherwise change it back.
I have found if I read my works aloud it helps to show me where I need changes. Hope this may work for you.
Try
2nd line 1st stanza replace first "and" with a comma
1st line 3rd stanza replace first "and" with a comma
Perhaps capitalize "Fate"
2nd line 3rd stanza replace first "and" with "the"
1st line 4th stanza replace first "and" with "the"
Remember that a reviewer is not always correct in their suggestions but are a gift of another perspective for you to use if you wish.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 3:14am on Nov 24, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "