This poem seems to recall a familiar feeling, very well captured. I don't know that I would change all that much in this poem, it seems to be just right as is.
I like how this poem starts and ends at pretty much the same point, a nice complete circle.
The only criticism I have is that the same rhymes keep cropping up, I haven't really racked my brain looking for replacements or other ways of rhyming the card, yard, hard parts but it seems that there must be another way...
Anyways, very nice work, well written.
Robert Elbaz
There are a couple of questions I find myself asking when reading this poem. Is the he in "he is the metaphor of youth" the same he as "he sits in the white orb of him" and presumably the reaper, or is the first he the same as the I in the rest of this story? Logically the former would make the most sense, but the latter would give this poem the feel of "Death of a Boy, Birth of a Man," which is how I seemed to read the poem.
There are a lot of phrases in this poem that I really liked: "the inevitable ending of
start fast, end slow."
Was by far my favorite,
I did not like this term to describe the cigarette, "a stub on green tile" I think you can find something better to replace this with.
This is a fantastic poem, I don't think there is much to improve on. I'm not sure where the girl comes from with her suggestive moans and sighs, but I can see that she is important to this piece.
There are a few things that could be corrected by editing, the .! after thoughts can run together, and a couple of capitals at the beginning of lines.
Aside from that I thought this was well written and coherent.
Robert Elbaz
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