I love this poem in all four versions, although if you want my vote, I’d choose version one.
This is written in such an engaging style. I can hear a small child’s piping voice asking away as the day goes on. The questions continue as it becomes night, even to the point of wanting to sleep with mommy. Because Monsters!
Favorite lines:
I hear a monster
Under my bed.
Why can't I sleep
With you, instead?
And
When will we be there?
I have to go pee!
When do we eat?
Are you listening to me?
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
None noted.
In summation:
This is such a cheerful poem! It’s been an honor and a joy to read and review all four versions!
Revelations was always the book in the Bible that scared the crap out of me!
Your poem is very well written. Each line stands on its own as distinct. Each stanza rhymes well. The pacing is certain, leading us from the first noticing of something wrong to the “this is how we fix it” ending.
Favorite lines:
No need had they of horse’s shoes
Delivering God’s wrath. They fly.
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
I would suggest consistency when using He vs he. There is one instance of He (in the first stanza), but then the other instances are not capitalized. Standard would be to capitalize throughout, when referencing God.
In summation:
This was well worth reading. It was my honor to do so.
Women described as houses? I’ve never heard of that before.
It makes sense though, the way you describe it.
Women are filled with different compartments (rooms) and they can choose to fill that room with whatever they wish. Beauty, fulfillment, maybe a cellar full of regret.
Then to juxtapose upon that calm interior the hollow core of a man who must build and destroy, fix and tear down…
This imagery which you have written made me think of a man like that, at the end of his days, no longer hollow…but instead of rooms full of whatever, there is rubble and debris. So. Not hollow. But also not exactly full of grace either.
This (above) is why even a short piece of writing like yours can evoke such strong thoughts. It’s a testament to the power of your words.
Favorite lines:
When all a man really needs is for someone to say he's already whole.
And for him to believe it.
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
I would suggest that you use "Each Other" in your title.
In summation:
Really thought-provoking. It was my honor to review your work.
Ugh! The constant battle between being nice and wanting to be shed of telemarketer calls!
This is a really interesting story. A ghost story. But the best kind of ghost story!
What I liked:
Nothing is impossible. Hearing the voice of her husband is what Karen needed to get herself over the hump of grief and burn out.
Favorite bit:
The cruel comment about killing herself was a skipping record, but she lacked the strength to turn it off.
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
In this line, I would add the words “on her” after “up.”
and most people hung up.
Is this word part of the contest? I didn’t understand why it was italicized. If it is part of the rules, perhaps a note at the bottom to explain. If not, perhaps a short addition of what you mean by the word and how it relates to the character
Disconnection
Finally, I would suggest removing “in many pieces.” The sentence without it gets the message across.
The landline ring broke her reverie in many pieces
Your story(?) starts off with commentary on the human condition. I’ve had the same thoughts at times (happy birthday someone!) that you wrote about here, so could relate.
Then, this morphed into the telling of the events of your recent chaotic Monday when you realized you were late.
The telling makes you human. We all have faults. This approachable style of writing will be a great attribute to anything you write.
What I liked:
I love stream of consciousness writing. You’re telling a story, clearly, but written in such a way that no detail is unimportant.
Favorite lines:
Every day is someone's birthday. (Happy birthday, I guess.)
my eyes' curtains—ok, my eyelids—
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
I suggest you increase the font size and use paragraph breaks. A well placed paragraph break can make important points stand out even more in your writing. They also give the reader a natural break to take a breath and digest what they just read.
In this sentence, I would add the word “same” before “direction.”
so I turned to grab it but forgot to move my legs in the direction.
The title indicates this is a WIP so I assume you have some editing ahead and perhaps some additions. It will be interesting to see how you flesh this out.
In summation:
There’s some good stuff in here.
I encourage you to keep writing and honing your skills.
This is a really engaging story. I immediately liked all of the characters.
There is humor in here as well (the aside about the not-fuzzy slippers for instance) that carries the tone for the rest of the story. The main character is seen as a generally happy guy who must tell his daughter some truths while still keeping some of the illusions alive. He also needs to maintain his own faith, for the sake of not only his daughter and his wife, but also for himself. The world would be a dark place for him if he let the bad things in life take him all the way down.
Favorite bit:
I was very proud of my little girl. She understood that the man in our house was a “bad man,” but she still insisted that Santa Claus is real. The Bad Man stole the presents AFTER Santa left them. Danielle still had faith, but accepted reality, too.
Below are my suggestion(s). Please use or discard them as you see fit.
In this sentence, I would add the word “about” after the word “never.”
With me, it was never the gifts.
I would break for a new paragraph after the first sentence here.
To prove to myself that he really did exist, regardless of what my older brothers told me. Sheila and I raised Danielle to believe in Santa.
I read this sentence several times. It’s my suggestion that you eliminate the words “that spoke volumes to each other,”
We shared a knowing smile that spoke volumes to each other, then walked down the hall to the stairs.
Finally, is this a low wall? I was a bit confused how Danielle would be able to climb off without getting hurt
Danielle was perched on top of the wall surrounding the library. Sheila was finally in high spirits again, and even I let my guard down for the first time since Christmas. For a few moments, neither of us noticed that Danielle was gone.
In summation:
This is a well-written story and hits all the high points of a good Christmas story with a moral.
It was my honor to review it.
I encourage you to keep writing and honing your skills.
This quote came to mind when I read your poem: “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” Anaïs Nin
Your poem is about exactly that. We see our reflection in the mirror, but who are we looking at? Do we truly see ourselves, or is it merely our projection, weighed down with the years and questionable choices and regrets?
A good poem evokes questions and thoughts. Yours certainly does that, for me.
Favorite lines:
Tell her, tell her, let her see
Who she's truly meant to be.
Below are my suggestion(s). Please use or discard them as you see fit.
None noted.
In summation:
This is a well-written and thought-provoking poem. It was my honor to review it as it will stay in my mind for some time – every time I look in the mirror!
Something big is about to happen. There is fear. There is trepidation. There is also courage and fearlessness to take that leap…
What I liked:
My heart was pounding as I read this. I could feel the fear in your character as courage was gathering. The pace is good. There is tension in the telling of how the decisions are made and how we got to this point.
I like that you added in at the bottom that you were writing about three vastly different events at the same time. This piece could be applied to any situation.
Favorite lines:
I am completely focused on my breathing. I’m afraid I’ll forget how if I don’t.
and Everywhere I look I see my future.
Below are my suggestion(s). Please use or discard them as you see fit.
In this line, either change the period to a comma or capitalize But
adventurous. but we all
My preference would be for you to remove “in my ear” in this sentence, as it seems you have more than one person who is whispering (and they can’t all be in your ear at the same time! 😊)
I’m surrounded by professionals all whispering encouragement in my ear.
In this passage, I would suggest amending “x’s” to “times”
This is adventure x’s 100!
And finally, here I would spell out the number 3
I was describing all 3
In summation:
Really well-written piece. You used the bolded words appropriately. The message is loud and clear: we can do hard things.
What is love? How do we react when our “one” is near us? Are we “lesser than” when they are not here to shine a light on us?
So many questions arose while reading your free form poem.
What I liked:
There are some powerful words within your piece.
I like how you repeatedly refer to your weakness.
Favorite line: My weakness has me so honest and true.
Below are my suggestion(s). Please use or discard them as you see fit.
I suggest that you break this up into paragraphs and make the font larger. There are a lot of thoughts here that, to me, get jumbled together. Adding some space to the piece will give each of your thoughts room to shine on their own.
In the same vein, I suggest you tighten up the punctuation within this poem. While free form means you can say whatever you want (pretty much!) appropriate punctuation gives the impression you really care.
The word ‘then’ should be ‘than’ in two instances in your poem.
In summation:
Love trumps all. Love lets us rise to the top and stay there, because we know who we truly in the eyes of those who love us.
There is a singular kind of heartbreak here. There is such pain upon the realization that you are truly alone with not only memories but also thoughts of what the future might look like.
What I liked:
There is a rawness to your words, used to great effect.
I also get the sense that while you don’t hold yourself out to be “special” in the sense that we all, somehow, suffer through our childhood hell, you still realize that you are unique. We are all unique and special in our own ways. Abandoned or not.
Below are my suggestion(s). Please use or discard them as you see fit.
I do realize this is non-fiction, but for readability, I would enlarge the font and use some paragraph breaks. In my opinion, paragraph breaks allow the reader to take a breath between thoughts and to really get the impact of what you are saying.
In summation:
This is a powerful piece of writing. Sometimes, we delve into pain with the idea that we will be able to place it somewhere in our hearts and get on with the business of living. And to find peace. I hope this is so for you.
I can relate to the realization of abandonment. It can be soul-crushing. It is also not the end.
This is a sweet poem, an ode to a mother dearly missed.
It rhymes and flows well, and gives the reader a good sense of the relationship between mother and daughter until there came the day when there was no more talking.
What I liked:
I loved the poem in its entirety, but two lines stand out:
In this line, there is such longing for what was, and really tugs at the heartstrings If you could've stayed we'd be chatting still
This line also tugs, with sadness and regret I said goodbye, but it wasn't by choice
Below are my suggestion(s). Please use or discard them as you see fit.
I would suggest breaks between stanzas. This gives the reader time to take a breath between thoughts. Perhaps as so:
I miss you Mom and our frequent natters.
Nothing was taboo, all topics, matters.
Chinwags, gabbing, talk, call it what you will.
If you could've stayed we'd be chatting still.
Current affairs, gossip, family stuff
our conversations were always enough.
You'd tilt your head, grimace, and roll your eyes
swat the annoying as if they were flies.
Ranting and raving? Yes, sometimes we did.
Whisper? Acceptance? Submit? God forbid!
Our love language listening and sharing,
words and their free flow echoed our caring.
I miss you Mom and the sound of your voice.
I said goodbye, but it wasn't by choice.
In summation:
Tears stood in my eyes during the reading. Anyone who has lost their mother will surely enjoy this lovely tribute to yours.
This is a true story! It’s almost too good to be fiction.
Written in an engaging format, the story flows from one event to the next, leading the reader through not only the events leading to the tragedy but then onward to the fix that saved the day.
Buster’s untimely and unwanted sampling of the cake actually turned out to be a boon. NO one ever had a cake exactly like his.
What I liked:
I liked the story in its entirety, and this portion in particular: …Buster, up to the front porch then had gone back down the walk to boss his little brother around and watch for his friends to arrive.
Below are a few suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
I would suggest adding in the word “themed” in this sentence:
Marsha placed our order for an A-Team decoration with the supermarket’s bakery section,
Perhaps “Marsha placed our order for an A-Team themed cake with the supermarket’s…”
And here, I would think about taking off the first portion of the sentence, for readability:
Meanwhile up on the porch, as soon as Buster…
Perhaps “As soon as Buster…”
To me, Buster needs to get in the house and he’s already up on the porch with Grandma.
Finally, you did mention George Peppard by his full name. Perhaps this is nitpicky, but Mr T’s full given name is Laurence Tureaud…
In summation:
This story surely has been told and retold throughout the years. What great memories! And kudos to Marsha for thinking on her feet!
This is a poem about heartbreak. There is a longing tone throughout the poem. Love that cannot be. Love that causes pain and regret. Love that wanted more. And finally, love that finally realizes it will never be and has come to a place of peace.
What I liked:
As sad as it is, I loved the entire poem.
My favorite line is: At the end the brokenness strengthened me.
That line speaks of hope. As long as there is hope, we are buoyed.
Below are a few suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
I stumbled on this line, perhaps because it starts with “Leaving”
Leaving me with a mess to clean.
It doesn’t feel like a whole sentence to me. Again, just my opinion. Perhaps “You left me with a mess to clean?” Something to think about.
Also, “cant”
Is a contraction, so should contain an apostrophe.
In summation:
This is a well-crafted poem. While it rightly made me sad to read, it also made me reflect on my life and past loves. All good poetry is a chance to reflect.
This is a poem about heartbreak. Ongoing heartbreak which, in my opinion, is worse than just ending things.
What I liked:
I loved the format of this poem: two lines to one stanza, then a summation one line before moving on. It reads well.
Something I wanted to point out: Please use or discard as you see fit.
I’m not sure how I would suggest fixing this, but I’m not in love with the very last line of the poem. The writer admits early on that the issue is their own fault, so when you say
I wish you would fight for me harder
It feels like the writer is shifting blame. In my opinion, this last line doesn’t fit the tone of the poem. I encourage you to play with the wording. At the very least, you could try
We live in a world of self-doubt, made only worse by the comparisons we make with people who are not us. Before social media we had doubts. LOTS of them. But certainly not to the degree we have them today.
What I liked:
This is written from the viewpoint of a young girl who, if nothing else, is disappointed in herself. The clarity of this angst stands true during the entire narrative. There is an uncomfortable feeling through the reading, making the character very relatable.
Below are a few suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
I would suggest breaking this up into paragraphs and enlarging the font for readability.
Replace the period with a question mark here
so why can't I.
In summation:
I’d like to give this girl a message: don’t compare yourself to others. No one leads a perfect life. Be yourself, in all your glory. If you don’t know who you are yet, give yourself a chance. Lots of chances.
This poem is about heartbreak and love. Can a parent wish their child well? We can only hope that it would be so simple.
I loved the repeated usage of “It’s the middle of the night again” between stanzas. It gives the reader the idea that this constant worry is never-ending and ties the stanzas together well.
Below are a few suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
In this stanza, I feel the cadence is a little burdened. I get what you’re saying, for sure, but wonder if something like this might work:
I keep you in my bed to have you close
You're too big you're growing up
Taking all the space
My pillow is yours (LOVE this line!)
I keep you in my bed to have you close
You’re too big
You’re growing up, taking all the space
My pillow is yours
Did you mean daybreak when you wrote day? Or dawn?
The day is getting closer
I'm too scared to fall asleep
Just a little while more
Listening to your breaths
In summation:
I was so sad reading this, while also filled with love for both the child and the parent.
Oh gosh! This poem is so very appropriate for WDC! I loved it in its entirety. Each stanza, with each rebuttal, made me smile and nod in agreement.
We’ve all been on the receiving end of helpful reviews and then those that are just a little too much.
Suggestions:
I’m wondering how I dare point out something in a poem about editing? But it’s just my opinion and I’ll be brave!
An easy fix to rearrange. I can see where ‘rearrange’ might roll a little better, but mightn’t ‘arrange’ do just the same? (This might just fall into the “a little too much” category!)
In summation:
Rhyming, tongue-in-cheek poetry about the bane of every writer, here at WDC and elsewhere.
I’d nominate this for the 101 portion of this website! A must-read for all new members!
Had someone offered to read me a poem about a snail, I most likely would have turned them down.
Had I turned them down, and it had been your ever-so-cute poem, I would have missed out.
Donning my editing cap/Suggestions/Just My Opinion:
I like that you capitalized “Bold” here: And Caractacus the mighty was the bravest of the Bold. However, I wonder if you wanted to take it a step further and also capitalize “mighty?” That makes his title “Caractacus the Mighty.” Just a thought.
I enjoyed reading the assignment about Sam Hartman. While I am more of a fringe enjoyer of football (by that I mean I don’t have a favorite team nor do I get wrapped up in draft picks), it’s a very informative article. I came away feeling like I knew a lot more about the Jets potential pick.
Donning my editing cap/Suggestions/Just My Opinion:
The main thing that stands out to me is the capitalization of quarterback in several instances throughout your article. I believe it is more appropriate to leave off the cap unless you are using it as a title.
Example: Notre Dame Quarterback Sam Hartman. Here the capitalization is appropriate as it is part of his title.
Example: bring yet another Quarterback into the mix. Here I feel ‘quarterback’ is more appropriate.
Question: which could prove costly and help him in the long run. When I think of the term “prove costly” it doesn’t stand out as a pro to me. Perhaps I am missing the meaning you intended in this line.
In summation:
In these days where quarterbacks are more than just passers but are also expected to run the ball when they can, I’m curious how our Sam Hartman stacks up.
This is a clever short story. I liked how the lady/birds kept interrupting and flustering the inspector.
Donning my editing cap/Suggestions/Just My Opinion:
There are a few things I would suggest you give some consideration to. I’ve listed a few below.
“Thanks, — ” Here I would perhaps add, “and you are?” or something like that. He is an investigator and would perhaps want to give the illusion of being in charge.
“Dotty,” said Dotty.” Then, with this, you could perhaps take off the “said Dotty.” To me this is a little awkward. Or, you could amend it to say something like, “Dotty,” she supplied helpfully.”
“Ah,” said Inspector Bin. “Evening ladies. Sorry to bother you all.” I would add a comma after “Evening.”
For a challenge, perhaps consider using synonyms for “said” throughout the story.
In summation:
This is a fun story. I would encourage you to continue honing your skill.
Eight lines of poetry to convey a setting, a feeling. You managed to do that quite handily with this poem.
It must be a universal dread. Yard work. Ugh.
The last line of your poem reminds us that the effort is worth the while.
Donning my editing cap/Suggestions/Just My Opinion:
My own personal preference would be to amend the word “beds” to “bed” to keep with the rhyming pattern. Of course there might be more than one flower bed in the gardens, but keeping the word singular just flows better when I read the poem.
In summation:
I admire the brevity of this poem, along with the emotions it evokes within me.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.45 seconds at 8:37pm on Sep 07, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
This is a matter of style, but I think you could easily make each stanza into two lines. As an example,
