\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/elainanna
Review Requests: OFF
33 Public Reviews Given
97 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by elly Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello! I chose to Review the GEN Project, chapter 1 because it sounds very interesting. I hope any comments I make will be of some use to you.

Overall Impression:
There is a lot of potential in this story. The plot is strong,and it has a very diverse scope of possibilities. Meaning, you can go anywhere with this plot, the treasure hunting business has always created the best stories. So the concept is worthy, and you have a winning idea.
Plot:
You've chosen to jump right in to the action at the beginning. Some times this usually leaves the reader scrambling to gather facts about the novel. Ennix's first words though spark interest, and create curiosity. As it progresses on, the two characters, Ennix and Ranke manage to give the reader a picture of what is going on right then. It is obvious their relationship is new, and Ennix is the main character, I believe as it progresses, the plot begins to emerge nicely.

Style and Voice:

Using Ennix's thought process to tell the story, does give the novel it's own unique style. The flow of words, for example, "....Pheh, he was a little dramatic for Ennix's taste, but Ranke was all that he had, making him important." defines your own personal style of writing. It gives personality to the story. Scratch that, the worst that could happen is that he could be decapitated in a horrible, gruesome fashion. Let's just hope that doesn't happen This is also another example of the unique flow of words, but I think that adding the last sentence which would mean that it was Ennix's thought, the use of italics to show that he was thinking that is better. Otherwise, it looks like the writer is making a commentary, in his work.

Scene/Setting:

The description of the crypt is on the mark, it is easy to see the "decrepit" part of the tomb. The addition of coffins, the need for light, and the corpses adds to the setting.
Characters:
Ennix is obviously a man after adventure, and money, to the point that legends don't scare him, instead they drive him to prove them wrong. Ranke might be a man doing things under pressure, for money, pressure from the one who's hired him...and so forth. On your characters, I have to say you've done an outstanding job, because they make the story come together. Their reactions, their comments, and unexpected actions, favorite part is when Ranke considered to be somewhat scared and a wimp, suddenly attacks the bandit fearlessly. very well done.
Dialog:
This is witty. Especially when Ennix encounters the bandits at the beginning. I found myself smiling, in the face of danger as it were. Hehe.

Grammar and Mechanics:



Suggestions:


"With the momentum of his thrust, the man was unable to stop himself from barrelling straight into Ranke and tripping over his shoulder, hitting the floor with a loud mmph. This line is part of a stunning description of action. The only thing I would just urge you to change is the last part where you say he hits the floor with a loud mmph. The "loud mmph" is ambiguous, mostly because there are so many types of sounds when things fall it would be easier to define it, and express it to your reader.

Also, I think it would be good to read the story to yourself out loud. See how it sounds when you read it, and whether, what you hear, is what you wanted to express. Sometimes this helps the flow of the story a very long way.

I had a good time reading this. And I hope my comments will be of some use to you.
2
2
Review by elly Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Nat,

My name is elly, and this is a review from the Showering Acts of Joy group. I read this so fast, it was amazing. Thanks for the chance to read Airianna.

First thing I have to say, is that I was truly impressed by your character development. From the beginning, I immediately was on Faith's side, rooting for her to save the princess. Her fear and courage are so well defined, that when she sinks that knife into Airianna's attacker, the reader is caught in her adrenaline rush.

The visualization of the scenes is amazing, lines like "..floors and walls were splattered with the life blood of nobles and servants alike; all were as one in their sudden deaths." give a realistic view of the situation.

It is a good start to a longer story if you wanted to continue this. I think you should because you have a strong plot here, and it would be a fun read too.

I noted that sometimes you left out the (') when it came to Airianna's life, nursery. Just a typo I caught.

Airiannas life - Airianna's life

This is a fabulous story, and it was my pleasure to read it. Keep writing on.

Sincerely

Elly.




3
3
Review by elly Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi toan, i find cherry blossoms so beautiful, they are small and delicate yet they come out so many, its breathtaking. Reading your story, i find myself deeply moved. The pain of loss can only be explained by those who have felt it, for it is a pain like no other. At the end where there is the mum in the cemetry crying that moment clarifies so much about why we grief. why we hang on, your story is exquisite and thanks for the chance to read it.
sincerely elly
4
4
Review by elly Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi leah, this is a great statement on life and i have to say a spectacular tribute to self expression. i had a good time reading it.
5
5
Review by elly Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Brockers,

This is a review from the showering acts of joy group. My name is Elly, and I want to thank you for the opportunity to read your work and comment it.

I read the Road to Revolution, Chapter One. At first I wasn't sure I'd be able to give you a long comment on this, mainly because of the genre, politics is not my strong side. But, I have to say, you might have changed that for this one. You make it interesting. Your characters have personality and are very strong. The conference room scene is very well executed. The crisis is well defined, and Ethan Brook's murder certainly sparked my interest to keep reading on. What kept me there even more is that the prime minister was discussing Ethan's murder with such worry, making it state business.

The tension among the coalition leaders also helps push the plot forward, and develops the reader's curiosity. I call it the bonding process that will make the reader read on to the last chapter. The differing opinions, frayed tempers and hidden dislikes make it seem like the coalition of leaders is ready to break apart at any moment. Perhaps one of them killed Ethan Brooks is my thought as I read through that scene; especially that Mr. Smith.

The background on PRP would have been a lot of information at once in another book. But, I find it is important to understand why Ethan Brook is so important, thus the information is useful where it is. Campbell's opinion of the man paints a visual picture of Ethan who'd otherwise be expected to be an extraordinary man with great looks and such. I sought of get this, "He's just a regular guy" feeling about Ethan.

Mike Martin is an interesting character. In my point of view he also becomes a suspect in Ethan's murder. He has too much to gain from this. He plays the friend very well, and his connection with Ethan's family is real, and I feel their pain as the reader, of having lost a family member they all loved.

"I still can't believe he's gone," said Campbell solumnly.

I think the word solumnly should be Solemnly.

You have done an excellent job with plot and suspense. Your character development is also very well done. In the space of a few paragraphs, I already feel like I know Mike and Ethan who is actually dead.

As I said before, politics is not my strongest suite but I can say in terms of a story,you have one good one. I hope my comments help you in some way, and thanks again for letting me comment on this.

Sincerely,

Elly.
6
6
Review by elly Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Alright, you have it. I love how well you've portrayed Cathy,and the grief eating away at her. Also the tension between her and Hannah, at the airport is very well written. I had to laugh on the bit with the dog. Cathy's attachment to her pictures is also very well in league with what is truly bothering her. The man on the ground is an interesting touch of mystery, it makes me wonder what he's about. It's amusing how Cathy runs out to check that he's not dead.

Wondering if we'll be seeing more of him yet.

I like this story very much and would like to read more, keep going okay...

No ambiguity yet, the story is progressing well into Cathy's life, so bring on more.

7
7
Review by elly Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
These story has a promising beginning. There is always so much to do with revenge plots and murder. What I would suggest is that for the dialogue, separate it so that it's easier to read and it will help the reader get more engrossed in the story.

Something like this might work for you, notice the change in the dialogue grammatically that is.

"Hey bud," I said as he walked by.

"Hey Owen," He replied.

I watched him wander over to the fridge, open it, and take a long drink of milk, straight from the carton. He put it back and let out a loud belch
8
8
Review by elly Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Well, I like your character Cathy. You've developed her stubborn characteristics very well, and they are apparent to the reader. You immediately define who the protagonist is, which is important. I like that you have her doing the whole writing thing on the newspaper, and of course it becomes a source of frustration for the aunt who would read the newspaper, and at the end it defines her boundaries when her other aunt tries to take it away from her.

I like the plot and the promise of more to come. I hope that as it comes, it will be as interesting as this beginning. Great write, hope to read more.

9
9
Review of The Engineer  Open in new Window.
Review by elly Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
"Telhan, I won't be alive much longer, I'm 65, while you're only 18." He spoke as he glanced up at the cloudless blue sky, shaking his head as he brought his attention back to Telhan. "I understand." Telhan spoke, silently agreeing with the Professor.

This is a really good story. I like the concept because it is unique and has the promise of adventure and discovery. So points for the plot development. What I can suggest for you is separating your dialogue and making it simpler for you reader to go through the story.

For example the paragraph I've copied on here can look something like this,

"Telhan, I won't be alive much longer. I'm 65, while you're only 18, " Professor Relin said.

As he spoke, he glanced up at the cloudless blue sky, shaking his head as he brought his attention back to Telhan.

"I understand," Telhan said.

Also, something really important to remember whenever you write dialogue. Using the word said, is better than spoke. The reader never notices it even if it is written a lot. It helps you make the story flow better.

Anyway, great job, keep writing.

Goodluck
10
10
Review by elly Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I rated this because it truly is a cute story. Which girl doesn't dream of being the princess in the tower and prince charming coming to save her. I like the diary part. It sets the scene giving the reader information about Princess Zyena and why she would be in the tower in the first place.

You have a great sense of plot, I wish you the best in your writing.
10 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/elainanna