\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/eilatrag
Review Requests: OFF
1 Public Reviews Given
1 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of The Nightshift  Open in new Window.
Review by Eila Trag Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I'm impressed with how you kept this story consistent to it's main plot and brought it all nicely to a close!

When I came to the bit about an 'Indian Burial Ground', I admit, my eyes did roll slightly, but in those last 3-4 paragraphs things did take a good turn: I liked the way life carried on as normal for Jewel, knowing that she's a lowly shop assistant with not much of a say in matters when up against 'the Company', but keeping her very own normality at work.


The only things I really thought could be worked on was some of the ways you addressed certain descriptions:

"She was proud of her new place of employment."
I understand what you're trying to put across here - that she's satisfied. But maybe the way you've phrased it doesn't suit the rest of your style.

an aisle or two over.
I like how this puts the reader in the protagonist's shoes, but it also makes the author sound unsure of what's going on - the author should know all!

To finish on a better note, probably one of my favourite descriptions:
The lights around the store would sometimes flicker off and then back on. One evening Jewel stood watching them as they did their little dance. It’s almost like someone is standing at the breaker box flipping one breaker after another.
I like this imagery! but you know what? I think you could work on this a bit and have something spectacular! (Maybe that's just my bad habit though as it could also be seen as an unnecessity to the plot!)

Overall though, well done! You've written a neat little story there that does hold the reader's interest from beginning to end.
1 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/eilatrag