First let me say that i like the story, which is after all the most important consideration. A few remarks then, for the sake of being critical;
'The figure sprang into focus, as if the universe finally woke up and put on its glasses.' leaves me confused. The POV is with the protagonist, not the universe. In addition it would be stronger if you applied the end position rule; The most important word or idea in a sentence, a paragraph, or a whole composition should come at the end. The way it stands now the sentence is dragging along at the end. Several sentences in your story could be stronger if you rewrote them with this principle in mind.
'Oh. Er... zing.' does a great job in giving me an idea of character, but the word 'zing' was the first word in the story that told me i was reading urban fantasy. If this is intentional i can only commend you for it. If not, you may wish to alert me sooner.
This is about the only advise i can give you. Your writing as a whole feels crisp, clean and strong. Dialogue seems to be your strong point, although i wouldn't mind if it was broken by a chunk of exposition slightly more often.
I'm not going to review this one as I usually do. That means no ramblings about drama buildup, POV, voice and the likes.
This piece touched me to deeply to analyse it so, and I feel therefore, that it stands at a firm 5-star rating.
Good luck to you in the future, and my sincerest sympathies for you loss.
Just sharing my opinion here, so please understand that it is only that; an opinion. Take from it what you can use to enhance your work (if any), and discard the rest.
-I like the mood of your story. You really do a great job describing the setting in order to create a bleak atmosfere!
-Good use of strong and powerful words!
-That being said, I think you could consider your setting to be your theme carying element.
-Since you have focused so much on your setting (probably your original inspiration?), I would advice to either switch it to a POV of the setting (hard and risky), or start adding the other story element to really make the setting shine.
-I especially missed a protagonist POV, to add human emotion to the piece. It hard for me to feel true emotion from a piece that is mainly exposition. Try to add to the dramatic effects by further developping your characters and consider a thrid person limited POV.
-Use characters emotions and traits to mirror/contrast with the strong setting.
Well, just a few thoughts. Like I said, I like your work (Hence the GP reward for the review is coming right back at you - This one, although rough, was actualy a great pleasure to read.)
As on content; It seems it was written from the hart. If I may be so bold as to offer some advice;
-I would encourage you to break free from external factors of stress, and try to be at peace while you are alone.You'll see things much clearer, and things that may feel all important now, may no longer matter. There is a difference between love and emotional dependence.
Well, just an opinion. Feel free to use what you can relate to and discard the rest.
Just sharing my opinion here, so please understand that it is just that; an opinion. You may disagree and you may even be right.
-I like the dark mood of the chapter
-Why did you opt for 1st person voice? Your protagonist is clearly a normal human being, so unless you are hiding something (using 1st person), I would consider 3rd person limited.
-Try not to include to much exposition. Especially in your first chapter. Try to focus on what's emotionally relevent, and cut out anything you don't need (remember: If there is a gun on the wall in the first scene....).
Well, just a few ideas. Take what you can use and discard the rest.
Just sharing my opinion, so please understand that it is just that; an opinion. You may disagree, and you may even be right.
- Your strory has a high degree of emotional turmoil, and I feel this might be shown better using action and dialogue. The sole focus you put on exposition (while a valid story-element), keeps me as a reader from forming the emotional connection with your character (which really should be there, considering the subject). - Show me that she is sad, don't tell me.
-Is your protagonist male or female? Due to the choice of a 1st person POV (see these a lot these days), I can't tell. Have you kept this from the reader on purpose? (Hiding facts would be a great reason for using 1st person).
-You seem to have a very nice emotional character worked out, but due to the POV and voice of the story It reads to me like a page from a diary. Everything is past tence so I do not feel the suspence that could come from these events.
-I get the distinct impresion that you have a nice outline for a story. Try and step into those events in a present voice, and keep true to your POV.
Well, like I said; Just an opinion. Take whatever you feel will improve your story from it and discard the rest.
Just sharing my opinion here, so please understand that It's just that; an opinion. You may disagree and you may even be right. I only hope that I can inspire you to consider certain aspects of storytelling.
- I like the basic premise of your story!
-I would try to include a bit more exposition (yes, I know...show don't tell...bleh), but your focus seems to be on dialogue a bit to much, creating confusion from time to time. I looks like you tried to compensate by throwing in your characters names a few times to often. I feel this is a fix, that should not be necessary if you balance exposition, action and dialogue a bit more.
-Have you fully thought through your POV choice? 1st person can certainly lead to interesting story's, but it best reserved for protagonists that "act,think and feel outside the "normal" human frame of reference. Did you dismiss 3rd person limited for a valid reason, or did 1st person just feel natural?
-Try to introduce less (a lot less) characters during your first chapter. Remember that this is the time for you to endear your protagonist to your audience (and demonising your antagonist). Your support cast can be introduced at a later time, more gradually (and only when you really need them- Guides, Contagonists,Sidekicks etc).
Well, like I said; just a few thoughts. I'd like to review this one again as it progresses.
Good luck, and have fun!
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