Hi Kei Kei Good story, you touched on some hidden fears that are shared by more then you know. I would suggest you let yourself go, and write what is inside of you. No one can tell your story like you can. Could be a little more explicit in your times of temptation. you have all you need inside of you to create an earth shaker. Have been away from writing .com also took off to go to college. Like you I am back good to from you. I now write under the pen name Bookie Taylor
I thought your story was very good,but not quite like it is in an orphanage. Having spent several years in an orphanage myself there is a lot more going on behind the scenes. Most of us kids actually had parents and dreamed of our parents coming back for us. Some things that happened behind the scenes were favoritism,and the adoption system was never honest. Corruption with in the system would be a good story. However your story is a good fiction story. Keep up the good writing Eddie John
Hi Peedee Funny my experience has been along those lines. My Daddy always said if it sounds to good to be true it is. Good information might prevent someone else from getting caught. There has to be some real doors out there I hope we find them. Eddie John
Great story . Everything flowed well . A lot of the story was left up to the audience. It could be a recovering addict, or one recovering from mental illness . I thought the story was well written. the only thing I could see was the paragraphs could be broken down a little more. Would make it a little easer to read. You are a good writer keep it up................Eddie John
You totally captured the essence of a cry for help. That is very hard to put on paper. Add a few happy parts with it and you can create a great story. Noticed you missed a couple of words at the end. Should have been as I study them instead at I study them. Also I am surrounded ,I ma surrounded. You would have caught that in your first edit..............Good luck writing .....Eddie John
Very skillful use of adjectives. Almost poetic. You are a very skillful writer. However I didn't see some sort of conflict in the story. surviving the conflict togeather would have cemented the story. I don't worry about you. You will go far with your writing. I wish I had your skill............Eddie John
Well" let me try to put my take on it. I liked the individual little pictures you painted with adjectives. I don't know what you are trying for, But I thought the main character was starting to come off as a bit of a snob. Which is probably what you are trying to portray. The story has a totaly feminine outlook. I agree with you It could use a bit more action. All in all I liked it. It was a good chapter can see tremendous opportunities from here. Good luck and good writing. Eddie John
better chapter then chapter one. I thought a couple of words might have existed in the wrong tense ,but you will catch them on your rewrites. I usualy have to rewrite and correct many times I could see marked improvement in your story from chapter one till two good job Eddie John
charactors were good. I thought some words were repeated somewhat. setting was good. confrontation like it was repeated dialogue was good,but could use some variety. I believe your portrayel of a bully was quite accurate
good job. hope you finish the book it has the possibility of being quite good. Eddie John
I really enjoyed the story . I have to admit you are good at entertwineing the story togeather. A funeral is a hard subject to write about,but you seemed to have no trouble with it. Very good dialog ,in stead of reviewing you I was able to learn something from your writing. Thanks Eddie John
Begining of a very good story. could use a spell check. The change of one time span to another , could use alittle more explanation. Did not know if the character was the same or the begining of another story. all in all I think you have a winner just work with it . I can see a lot of possibilities could easily become a book. Eddie John
I can't speak for any one else. I can only speak for myself. If I found the bible to be in one part I would have to suspect the whole bible . It only takes one lie to make me a liar,I only have to steel one thing to become a thief,and so on and so on. I think the ratings are good,although I am surprized at some of the results. some results scare me ,some incourage me. So in that sense the polls are good. Eddie John
Good sense of direction, you play the struggle out in seasons,but we know the struggle is eternal. Seems our winter will be awakened by springs new kiss. I liked the poem . it adds a sense of direction to our stumbling in the dark. you follow the steps of Jesus for he also pointed the way. thanks for picking up my day, eddie John
Nice manipulation of the story. keeps you off balance not knowing what is coming next. thought the characters could be built a tad more. Of course thats just me. the characters that had the potential love connection could have slipped away to be alone and landed in a scarey situation. but then thats another story. all in all I thought it was a very good story Eddie John
Good story . you carried the story line well. However I think the story is to complicated for small children . Could work well for teenagers. Charactors are good . Scary place you created ,but the older children would enjoy the story. I did. Eddie John
Not a bad analysis . How ever I could tell it must have been written from a womens point of view. The information was good, and could possibly keep me out of trouble. However from a mans point of view ,I found myself wanting to smoke a cigarette, and take a long hot shower. Good story I enjoyed it Eddie John
Very informative. As a fiction writer I could see where copywriting borders on fiction with out crossing the line. one never knows when we might need a little knowledge here. Thanks for the information. was very informative,and well written. Eddie John
Very good,how easily you caught the essence of what we all believe. As some one who has been there several times,you nailed it. Me thinks maybe you have to. Great way you carried the story from begining to end. I enjoyed it. Eddie John
Great story,I am an old guitar player my self,so you know I really enjoyed the story. Funny I knew an old guitar player like that my self,and as you recanted your story it brought tears to my eyes. Didn't expect a trip down memory lane. Great story . Thanks for the ride Eddie John
I liked the story,I liked the plot,even the ending was good. The only thing I had problems with. I didn't think Africans had any knowledge of heaven or hell or God at that period of time. very good story though. Eddie John
Good use of adjectives . Very nice pace to the story it flowed well.Good story line thought you had done real well with it .Enjoyed reading it Eddie John
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